Thursday, August 30, 2007

TMI: I Want A Perfect Body

I should want a perfect soul. This post was originally going to carry on from Agrado's monologue in the last post where I was going to talk about how expensive this life is and will be. And I think that will be what some of this post will end up being about but in the intervening few hours this heat wave we seem to be going through, along with me eating (probably too much) has sapped much of my energy and enthusiasim for that. (and I still don't have a song for stuck in my head; I'm a mess right now) But I need to start this someplace so let's start here.
My life has always been an expensive one. First by going to the wealthiest high school west of the mississippi (according to one of my old classmates) then going to Duke where one year of school cost more than all 4 years of my brother's. Not to mention all the accesories and things you must do (i'm sure that throughout college I must have spent at least 7 thousand dollars on alcohol.)
And then of course there is the price of being a transsexual. Growing up I'm not sure how much money I spent buying clothes or lingerie (that my mom would inevitably find and throw away all without saying anything to me about it) or other enhancements (I think a pair of silicone prosthetic breasts, like professional ones cost like 450.) But all of those were minor expenses. The hormones I'm currently on, total about 400 dollars for about a 4 month supply. I need to somehow cobble together a full working woman's wardrobe (all of my clothes to this point hae been more party dress and club wear oriented.) In my mind at least I feel I have to leave in a big tolerant city, like New York or San Fran where people wouldn't care that I'm a tranny ( I can't live in L.A.- it feels too much like I'm trapped by the notion of home and the oppresion of my "past" here) but of course those are like the most expensive cities in the country, almost as if once people live there they're really open to all types because they're paying too much too hate and worry about if that girl has a penis. But once I somehow live in this city and split a 2400 dollar per month rent the upkeep on being a girl is incredibly high and a little frightening. Especially on like 30 thousand a year ( which I'm not actually sure how far that goes, but it doesn't seem like a lot. Of course I've never had to work in my life so I probably don't know the value of a dollar.)And though the upkeep alone is pretty high, just to reach the point where I need basic upkeep I feel at least in my mind that I need quite a bit of work. First my therapist and god knows how much she's charging but I also need voice therapy ( it was weird how I've always had this very sonorous and gorgeous and dignified voice, but I always hated it because it is in no way feminine, and though it is slightly better I still hate to talk.) I really need electrolysis just because shaving is a total bitch, but that's going to cost all total legs/face and misc. about 1500 dollars (thank god I'm not really hairy.) And then of course there are the major surgeries a tracheal shave, (electrolysis and a tracheal shave are all I really think I need right now) and forehead surgery as well as breast implants, a slight tweak of a nose job, the reshaping of my jaw and then the big one SRS all total is going to be around 15 thousand (and I'm quite lucky that I've always had rather girl features)And that's if it's performed in Thailand, where they have a tonne of experience because it is cheaper there but, call it ethnocentrism or whatever, but for most medical things I feel I would be more comfortable with someone in America.(and I'm not even sure what all other surgeries I may need; I haven't gotten that far in consulting) Right now I 'm happy because I look "like a girl" and even if I were to try to dress like a boy (I still get called Miss) that tends to confuse people more then when I'm wearing a skirt but it is like I am in the process of becoming who I've always wanted through the act of physically changing my body, and while I'm in the midst of it I'm as tempted to make myslef idealized and super attractive, right now I'm just cute, at times hot, but I do live in L.A. and I think I fall under the sway of the superficial.
Just the idea of how I'm going to get all that money is really scary, just because I don't know how to picture that amount and expenses for anyone just out of college are so high. (and yes there are dark times when I figure I could get a few hundred bucks if I worked as a sex worker, though I probably won't, though I never say never)But also the physical nature and results of all those surgeries gives me pause. I've never had any sort of surgery or gone under anesthesia and I'm not sure how my body would actually take it. Since I was a little kid I keloid and though it has gotten better in recent years I'm still scared of the scarring that may result. I mean I haven't even gotten my ears pierced for the very reason of I don't know if there will be a gigantic amount of scar tissue, or whatever. That is actually one of the reasons I delayed starting transition because I didn't think I would want to start it if I could never actually complete it ( i figured, in one of my self sacrificing moments, to suffer this life as a boy and just pray karma built up for the next life) but now when I am really just totally stuck in the middle I can see how and why some transsexuals choose to be non op. I don't think that's for me though. I mean my penis (which is really odd to say) has gotten to the point where most of the time I forget it's their but of course there are always those random and awkward situations, and also just when I actually want something sexually (desires which I have felt only in the abstract of abstracts for the past 5 months) that itself causes so many potentially harmful problems. I hear a lot of stories about other transsexuals who absolutely hated their penis all growing up, I hated mine for what it stood for and represented but never the physical reality of it, though that was before I was trying to fit into certain jeans and have no unfortunate bulges. But anyway in this one documentary my mom and I watched about transgendered inmates there was one inmate who was very self destructive and castrated herself and then removed the phallus and I had never thought about that. It guess I thought it was the reserve for people who felt they had no other option, or those with sever psychosis. But to be honest,though I would never actually take a pair of scissors or anything (though it seems like it would be so easy) I can understand that desire to have it gone of just wanting to be rid of it. (too bad I'm not fond of blood or pain.)It serves no function but to mark me not as a freak, but if someone were to be in that intimate a situation it would label me as a sexual threat and a disruptive element in most people's world views. And I have really begun to get upset with myself because I'm spending so much time and effort and thought on trying to perfect my appearance ( I thought I was above wanting breast implants- it seemed so shallow, but I would kill for just a B cup), to make my body the right shape, to convey the right movements, to be undetectable, gorgeous, desired that I fear many of my other interest may be taking a back seat. Even if it may endanger my health. (Though as I think of it I've been trying to make sure and prepare my body for this day to make it as pliable to ebing female as I could, by having my eating a bit disordered since I was 17, and like cutting out smoking because (GROSS ALERT) smoking removes the elasticity of the skin, including penile skin, so to wuit would allow for better vaginoplasty results. ) I never fully understood the so called feminine focus on looking their best, back when I was a boy I didn't really care how that body looked because I felt no affinity or connection to it, but now I weigh myself every 6 hours and obsess constantly about my hair and face and how to get better cleavage.
But like Agrado said, kind of, sure all of this is and will be so expensive, and though I'm not sure where the money will come from, the tens of thousands of dollars, but sitting where I am now I can say it has totally been worth it, and not just in the monetary cost but in the emotional turmoil fear and self doubt and feelings of isolation, and I really have no doubt that as I'm attending my reunion in 2017 those whole journey will have been the most wonderful part of my life. But I would always know that the next day will be even happier than the last.

and i really feel like that all made no sense and came out nowhere close to what i wanted. that was poor. ugh. i totally have to try to restate the crux of this post later. hopefully when i'm not sweating and feeling disgusting in a bad mood.

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