The Apex of Western Culture

it just has to be all downhill after this "Moment of Truth."
be forewarned this is so so sad and difficult to watch

Wow, what a question to lose (absolutely) everything on. We are all going to hell

[RELATED: Here is some information about what happened before the above: Lauren Cleri admitted that she had been fired from a job for stealing money, would rather give food to a dog than a homeless person, knows things about her father that she keeps from her mother and has avoided sex with her husband by pretending to be asleep.

And they're now separated because of it all... That's really sad and makes me feel dirty]

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When Tyra Met Huckabee

That long anticipated and awkward conversation between Mike Huckabee and Tyra Banks is in the can and though it won't be broadcast until Friday, Queerty has obtained a transcript of the juicy bits and I'm happy to say that though I worried about it Tyra actually stood up for her gays. or at least persisted in questioning

TYRA BANKS: I know that you are a preacher; do you believe that homosexuality is immoral?

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: Well, I think a lot of things in our lives are missing the mark. The word sin means missing the mark. It doesn’t mean that a person has committed murder. I miss the mark if I don’t tell the whole truth. I miss the mark in a lot of ways. I think that we were created to have relationships with someone of the opposite gender, that how’s we reproduce, that’s how we live our lives. So I think sometimes if you say is it a sin or immoral and people think you’re making these terrible statements about somebody. I’ve had people who are gay that worked on my staff. It’s not like I’m some homophobe. If you ask me is it the normal pathway? I don’t think so. But, you know, I respect that people have different views about that.

TYRA BANKS: Do you want the gay vote?

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: Sure, I want every vote. Seriously, I want to be president of everybody. And I can disagree with people over a choice they make in their life or a over a lifestyle, and still be their president and still say I want to keep you free, I want to keep your country safe, I want to make your taxes lower not higher. I want to solve some issues like the problems we have in education, and rebuild our health care system and I think whether a person is straight or gay, they want a president who is solving issues, not just pointing out differences among people.

TYRA BANKS: What if they say, I want to vote for you Governor Huckabee, but I’m a gay man and I want to marry my man. What do you say to that?

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: To change the definitions of institutions like marriage is beyond saying, if people want to live a life that’s different than others, that’s fine but when you redefine basic institutions of marriage, government, whatever they may be that’s when we really should have a pretty thorough public discussion about it.

TYRA BANKS: You’re open to a public discussion at least?

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: I think we’re having that. Whether or not we should change the rules and marriage and redefine it someway, I’m not comfortable with that.

TYRA BANKS: Comfortable or opposed?

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: Opposed. I think it’s something that is not a good thing. I go back to the point the a marriage ought to be, the context in which two people not only have, they may not have children but have the capacity and ultimately to train replacements and create the kind of environment in which people are able to thrive.

TYRA BANKS: I’m asking you some many questions about this because I love the gays and the gays love me. And I know I cannot walk down the street here in New York City if I didn’t press that issue and truly ask you that.

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: I think you should. I think people will respect my views on that, I respect theirs. The great thing about America is we can have totally different viewpoints and we can do it without having animosity, and hatred. This is one of the great countries where you can have sharp disagreements without killing each other over it. That’s where I think we need to celebrate what is great about America and that is we all don’t have to agree.

Yeah can we please stop the killing?

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Eww, A-Rod!

Alex Rodriguez just always seems so awkward and here he goes again pimping out his daughters
In an ESPN article dismissing steroid claims A-Rod let slip

"Andy [Petitte] is one of the greatest human beings I've ever met," Rodriguez said. "I have two daughters -- well, I have one and one on the way. If I had a daughter, I would want 'em to marry Andy Pettitte. The age difference might be a little awkward, but in today's day and age anything is possible."

For the record Andy Petitte is 35
Alex Rodriguez's daughter (because no "if" he has one) Natasha Alexander is just over 3.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.

Alex- no more talking for you

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Nas’ Shirt May Offend You

As may the title of his album, Nigger, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't care . And in fact Nasir makes an incredibly accurate and articulate point about it, as the red carpet interviewer at the Grammys Brooke Anderson squirms a little awkwardly

Nigger, due to be released this month probably going to be pushed back. hopefully it’ll come out on Election day in November what a coincidence that’ll be.

From BallerStatus
I'm debating whether or not I want one of those shirts...

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That Was Probably Awkward

In a story about Mitt Romney, Keith Olbermann totally in passing mentioned that Mike Huckabee was taping a guest appearance on The Tyra Banks Show and my jaw just dropped.
No way- that didn't make any sense to me; it seemed like Huck would be the last candidate Tyra would have on her show but apparently it is so (and part of a mini media blitz followed by a taping of The Colbert Report.)

Really what could they have talked about? I'm sure Tyra will talk about his weight loss and like crusade for better diets or whatever and all the feel good Huckabee stuff but there would totally be a giant pink elephant in the room (that if Huck had his way would be quarantined) and that would be the Scary ultra Christian Huck.

For a women whose career is based in a very large part by the gay community, who probably has a tonne of gay friends and who has a very large and loyal gay audience and following is she just going to skirt over all those issues? I know it's not going to be a hard hitting journalistic interrogation, I don't expect that from Tyra but still how could that not be brought up?

I really hope Tyra takes a stand- that truly would be fierce.
And speaking of awkward television moments here is a case of TMI on your local news

once again, pick your perversions. I've never tried it so I won't judge
(and yes I may have just used this post as an opportunity to share the anchorwoman spanking clip)

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Sexman!!!

This is too good for words and I don’t want to ruin anything so I’ll just say this kid is my new favorite person, probably ever



Ok hopefully you already saw it because I really wanna tell you guys OMG OMG OMG- ah to be a teenage boy. Sooo awkward phase. I seriously haven’t laughed that hard in weeks and I have to say I started laughing the second he started talking- his voice was just so stereotypically teenaged edge of puberty whiny voice crackly that it made Mclovin’s voice sound like Morgan Freeman’s. “There were a lot of heads being blown off and violence-it was great!) And the fact he loved it so much because it “just wasn’t a lot of back and forth crap” and talking, well I’m laughing trying to write this. ““It’s been a damn long time …” priceless
I laughed till I cried- this Sexman film definitely gets, and I don’t do give this out that often but it gets a 5! out of 5 stars

P.S. Sexman?!?!
P.P.S. He’s still a lot lot lot lot more credible than Shawn Edwards


(from BWE , though I think by tracing it back, Gavin Purcell’s Twitter first recognized the genius )

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Cringe Worthy

first in a possible new series where I share things that made me so incredibly uncomfortable while watching.
This inaugural edition was sparked by a link in Bill Simmons' latest linkapalooza and it is of an incredibly incredibly awkward encounter between Jeffrey Ross, Trey Parker and Matt Stone and Lorenzo Lamas from the March 12th, 2003 episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live. Prepare to cringe

Lorenzo Lamas on Jimmy Kimmel Live - March 12, 2003
Uploaded by SaveHolmes

God that was so uncomfortable.
A Note from the Simmons article: "After the show, Lorenzo challenged Jeff to a boxing match and Jeff declined." Not surprising at all

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Your Stuck in my Head Song of the Day

I don't know where this song came from, but when I woke up this morning I was singing it.It's Mmmm Mmmm by the Crash Test Dummies and I hadn't thought about or heard this song in maybe like 12 years so I don't know what sparked it but I had to download it this morning. I do remember when this song came out when I was like 10 and my class took some trains to Arizona for a field trip and some friends and I would try to get our voices low enough to sing this song, because it seems like the only pop song, outside of Barry White to become a top 5 hit with a voice so deep. And I was thinking about ti and though I hadn't heard this song in years I think I still remembered the characters and their plights, perhaps it struck me at a vulnerable influential age (what do 10 year olds listen to today like Hannah Montana? and I was listening to songs about childhood ostracization and isolation and...maybe that's why I'm as screwed up as I am) and even though it is about being different I don't think I consciously related to it in terms of my transsexuality (I was 10; I'm not sure what I knew back then) So anyway here are the lyrics that tell of three different stories

Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The cars had smashed so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room
But when they finally made her
They saw birth marks all over her body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just been there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that

Then there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home right after school
And they went, they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

aaa-aaa aaa-a-a-aaa

I really have a feeling I liked it back then just because of the chorus. Anyway here it is, the video that I saw for the first time in years today for Your Stuck in My Head Song of The Day- Mmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmm by the Crash Test Dummies (and there were a few more easily accesible versions of this video but they were, for some reason all in black and white and I remembered it being in color so here's that version)


Crash Test Dummies- Mmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmm Mmmm [download] buy it on iTunes

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TMI: Old Crushes

So I was half watching "Wild Tigers I Have Known" earlier a movie in part about the crush a 13 year old gay/trans outcast has on his popular older friend and it got me thinking about like my old crushes, because I guess in a way I don't think I experienced the kind of longing, or the outcastness ostracism that gay middle schoolers did by putting themselves out there and I wonder if I'm jealous of that, though I'm not thinking so.
But as I was remembering I think the first time I had a crush on a gay was when I was like 16, on like my best friend on the football team Ed, something I'm not sure I recognized at the time as "being a crush" and I suppose that one of the guys in the group that I hung out with I may have been drawn to him maybe because i subconsciously had a crush on him. But once again I didn't think of it as anything sexual, because I really didn't recognize puberty was happening until I was like 14 (and when I was 15 one of my friends accused me of being asexual, which I'm not sure I refuted), so the crush may have just been a feeling of more just magnetic attraction
Going back to elementary school my first crush was a girl named Crystal and at that age nothing was even remotely sexual (though I think on our way to AstroCamp one year on our school retreat we were planning to kiss or something in the planetarium.) Oddly enough I think she became a bisexual.
My next crush was a girl named Claire was when I was like 12 and as I'm thinking about it most every girl I had a crush on back then, because I don't think I've "crushed on" a girl since I was like 15, but was a pretty androgynous and didn't have a "womanly body" or whatevs.
And now over the past year (!) since I've been on hormones I think I've started crushing more, which is kind of annoying.

This is going nowhere and really has no point so I'd just like to say it's not a Lemon Party without old Dick {UPDATE 12/14: and I'm super glad that someone else recognized the brilliance in that moment}
::dances the jig off stage::

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I Think I May Have A Type

this isn't really a TMI because it's not really that interesting or lurid and I'm not going into any depth but I think yesterday I realized or at least acknowledged something.
I was on Swampland and watching one of Ana Marie Cox's (the founder of Wonkette who I really love and miss because Wonkette sorta want downhill after her) video logs when I realized that I was like smiling through the whole thing. And then I understood that it was because she looks exactly like Hubby , my love who I haven't seen in 7 months and won't see again (most likely) for another 20. I mean I'm sure if I were to tell her that and send her a picture she would laugh it off and deny it because people have a different view of themselves, but I don't know, seeing Ana she kinda served as a surrogate in a way.
Anyway that understanding was compounded be my continual inability to look at Elizabeth Kucinich without a smile creeping on my face subconsciously, for the same reason; that she looks so much like Hubby, and seems personality wise to be so similar to her that it makes me really happy. And reading the story in WaPo about her and Dennis...well, it almost made me tear up a little.
Both of those facts lead me to have to think about the fact that they are both pale red heads and I don't know if I'm drawn or fascinated by them because they remind me of someone special or if Hubby is special because she fits the mold (I have to lean towards the former.) I mean I've always thought Marcia Cross and Kate Walsh are just stunningly beautiful so I don't know.
I mean it's not sexual at all, even if I wasn't so asexual I don't think I'm a lesbian (at least not physically- spiritually maybe) and I don't think of any of them as sexual but rather it's like a classical beauty that is to be admired. And that is a horrible way to put it and a way that doesn't make any sense, which is fitting because I don't even now what I'm trying to say anymore.
let's move on....cajun style

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TMI: Last Night's Dream

I told you I'd try to slut things up and so since my dream last night was really interesting and fun to experience, plus the fact it's stuck with me and I've really had nothing for TMI in weeks, what the hey.
Anyway the dream started and I feel like I was working for a local politician in one of the big cities of Australia. She was really attractive and a lesbian but I think she left office or something because I stopped working for her, and she sort of vanished. The next thing I rememeber is moving into like an apartment building filled with some other girls but it was more like a dorm because the showers and bathrooms were communal and so there would be a pretty regular stream of girls leaving it wearing very similar bathrobes made out of what seemed to be taffeta and terry cloth that was a dark coral color. Anyway when I went to the bathroom to take a shower before I could open it I had to hurry back to my room because I had forgotten my robe and it seemed to be like mandatory. And so I made it back to the bathroom and inside was a guy that I felt I knew, maybe we had worked together or something because it was comfortable and fun and mildly flirty. I think he said something like "we're both in here at the same time I guess we have to shower together" which made perfect sense to me. So we get in and I feel he suggested that since we were in their that I "help him out" and so I guess I was either in a very horny or just suppliant mood because I reached for his dick but it was like really small, like even hard it was only like two inches, it only reached to my ring finger and I told him that i couldn't work with that at which point he got out of the shower and, this part is a little hazy but I'm not sure if he turned from a black guy into a guy that looked exactly like Dermot Mulroney (i have no! clue where that came from) or from Dermot Mulroney into a black guy but his cock got huge and so I welcomed him back into the shower. I then proceeded to give him a hand job and then to grind like a stripper against him, and there was a full body mirror right under the showerhead so I could see anything and I saw I looked like Kristen Bell as she looks on Heroes kinda with the bangs and so I was giving Dermot Mulroney a standing up lap dance (if you will.) That scene ended and I found us on the harbor in like a katamaran and we were chasing something , I can't remember what, but Dermot at some point told me that my (former) boss was really attracted to me but she knew I was a guy and so she couldn't do it. And then I was rearranging my place in the most perfect manner that I wish I could remember right now.

No I don't know what it means exactly, though I'm sure it's ripe for interpreattion, but it was one of those dreams that while you're dreaming it it just felt so funa dn awesome.


(ok and the experience of writing this has been so full of deja vu it's a little unsettling.)

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So My Friend Had a Baby Last Night

and sent out a text at 10:42 p.m. (that I read but only half digested in my groggy half asleep state- the hour at which I go to bed each night is pathetic) saying "Ayden Christopher Carnell. 8lbs 6 oz. 19 inches. 8.39 p.m. Our beautiful baby boy! I'm in love in a way I have never known!"

First I'd like to think this is Ayden's first internet mention (so in 15 years if theres still a google he can pull this up in a vanity search).

Secondly it seems like 8 pounds 6 ounces is the... like a lot of babies are that weight- I think i was too, though last night I think I inverted the number and though he was born at 19 pounds.

Three, it's just really weird that one of my friend, at my age (actually like 4 months younger) HAS A BABY! I think having a baby has to be the ultimate life change, screw going through gender transition. I mean I can still be the same person after all this is over, ( except with boobs and minus a certain something) but becoming a mom I think it changes you instantly and permanently in substantial ways. It has too. Also this is the first one of my friends to have a baby so I don't know the protocol- I feel I should buy her something

Four, when I reread that line "I'm in love in a way I have never known" I think I was incredibly happy for her but selfishly I got sad and not sure if it was jealousy, maybe envy, because I don't think I'll ever have that feeling of "love in a way I have never known." That unless major major radical advances in science occur I'll never have a kid with my genes, which is kind of depressing to think about. I mean I plan on (eventually) adopting kids or whatever, but as Human Giants reminds us, and I think it may be true, you can't love your adopted kids as much. I mean intellectually and emotionally maybe but that connection of something coming from within you and because of you I don't think that can ever be approached. I mean do you think that Lily Potter could have saved Harry if he had been adopted?


oh well, at least I'll always have my cats...
(p.s. linda cardellini was once on Kenan and Kel playing a goth girl who had a crush on Kenan, or maybe Kel, and me being bored i recently saw it. some may call that nerdy- i call it research.)

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A TMI Classic: Disconnection

I really had nothing on my mind to write about this week but since today I spent a long time writing probably too much to Hubby, a kind of long winded apology for not being as dilligent and punctual on my previous letters. And the whole letter was about how I didn't want my suckiness to be a sign of wanting to lose touch, but was rather caused by my own neuroses and that I don't ever want to be disconnected from her. Which was the point of this TMI, about my precedent of losing touch with people whenever they're out of sight, It's from the 9th of August and if you haven't read it, it's new to you:
I've been stressing over this for so long and I think it totally ruined my last letter to Hubby, it was full of laments and worries about not being able to keep in touch with people, which is it seems stupid to write to a person you actually want to stay in touch with. But it was what was on my mind when I was writing and it's what came out. I really should like start planning what I write, and in a larger sense do; spur of the moment, stream of consciousness might not always be the best way to go through life.
But enough about that, it's TMI Thursday, though on nights like this, these posts would be bettered labeled as a therapy session where I just vent, because I have no scinitillating details or stories. One of my biggest regrets and character flaws that I feel I have is my absolute inability to maintain a friendship when I am not in the same zip code with someone. I don't know what it is exactly. I used to trot out the excuse of "any one that's not in my field of vision is dead to me" it seemed cool in that devil may care live in the moment way but I think it was to compensate for those times when I would just forget about people, like during breaks, or not budget time to call them. I should probably start this at the beginning otherwise I'll be jumping around so much and this will be so jumbled that your comprehension level will be the same as if I never wrote this.
I suppose it started at middle school. All my friends before lived relatively close to me and we would hang out a good deal in the summers. In my neighborhood I didn't really know any of the kids because I was bussed to a magnet school like an hour away and so that started my cycle of only being friends with people I knew from school. Home was perhaps a separate sphere, a bitter sanctuary where I didn't feel the need to be so perfect and on top of every thing but rather a place to sit in my underwear watching television. But in middle school it was different. I remember in 7th grade math class how we all had to mark where we lived on some map and I lived so far south from everyone else that another map had to be brought on. That combined with such a long bus ride, and being middle school awkward with acne and bad teeth and not nearly that level of wealth totally contributed to self consciousness and maybe feeling embarassed about everything. but I still had friends that I would hang out with that lived pretty close so that was fine, and in the summer we would have some football passing tournaments so I would see my other friends as well. But those feelings of isolation only increased when kids started throwing parties and I could never go because they lived in the valley or whereve and it only got worse in high school. I never got my licence because I was never confident about driving; I would use as my excuse that I tend to daydream like all the team and never thought I had the focus to be a good driver, but underlying that was just my parent's driving histories and how I was in like 4 car accidents before I was 11 and my mom one night got into a pretty sever multi car one. I'm sure that ruined my confidence and that fear was always in the back of my head. But as I couldn't drive my mobility in that area of the city was severely limited, but now as I write this I don't feel it was that big a deal at the time. I had friends and I was never lonely; that element of knowing you would see them all again in a few months really neutralized feelings of estrangement. By the time I graduated I was so ready to move on and start the next phase that that fall I never really thought about anyone; they were off at college and I had decided to do AmeriCorps; everything seemed ordered and in place.
My AmeriCorps year was perfect for me; everyone I needed to talk to and be close to were with me like 24-7 for months; I didn't have time to think about the outside world, but after our closing ceremony on the way to the airport I remember crying so much (before I passed out due to lack of sleep) that I may never see those people, who were my life for that year, again.
I tried to stay in touch with everyone who was important to me, and I was actually successful; I visited them in Texas and Florida, certain people I would call weekly, I even got back in touch with a few people from high school.
But as I got into college, according to popular legend, I really didn't talk for the first few weeks, I don't remember that, but when I went off to visit one of my friends who was working in Vermont for fall break, by myself a rumour was spread that I was delayed in a snow pile in Canada, which was incredibly untrue but still a great legend. And perhaps created my reputation as a loner type.
(I don't know where I'm going with this, and the rum...maybe its not helping)
Anyway everyone loved me but I guess I was still a little distant or withdrawn but it was fine. I started a frat yada yada. I guess my current malaise started. Being friends with pre Type-As has its problem, as they have planned their lives and schedule each summer with internships to further their future careers. Each summer this was the same, they'd be off doing amazing things and I'd be in L.A. chilling, because I never really cared about internships, ( I wouldn't know what to intern for) and I was more that life will work it self out. But over that first summer we had sort of an email mailing list which I never knew about until that fall ( for reasons I don't want to get into in this post) but apparently my lack of activity in that forum led to notions of my demise. Apparently I didn't talk to any of them until I called one of my girlfriends for her birthday, which, according to her, pissed off a lot of our friends because they thought I wasn't as close to her as I was to them.
Anyway time passes, everything changes I stayed the same. My friends from high school I lost touch with; people graduate and move, and the same with my AmeriCorps team and google searches don't really help when one of your friend's name is Katie Holmes (damn you Tom Cruise.) But I don't think it was the whole "preparing for life/doing amazing things" vs. whatever I occupied my time with. Sophomore year when I was freaking out over a lot of things and possibly terrifying Theresa with my depressive/suicidal thoughts she laid out a theory. I think I was telling her about a dream that I always had when I was really clinically depressed of everyone I have ever known or been close to, being a face on a series of hills and how if I did kill myself they all would be affected in some way, and how maybe I didn't get too close to people because I didn't want to be too close and then cause them more pain if I did commit suicide, hence my "distant" nature. And this came from my best and most important emotional friend. She probably was right at that point. I was quite unhappy with my life and being a boy and maybe I thought by forcing some distance, emotionally, between myself and others I would be in a way protecting them, though I think my distancing may have contributed to an aura of hidden mystery with me. I got that a lot. I'm sure my repressed transsexuality also helped to make me shut myself off to some people, to some extent.
The summertime separations were hard no lie, just because all of my friends were on the east coast where they could continue a sembalance of a social life, while I was stuck here with no one I know. But just like in high school the hope of the next school year and the knowledge that I would see them again sped the months along. But of course, as I am wont to do, while I was getting close to one group of people I became "too busy" to talk with some of my old friends. It seems that if they would call it would always be at a weird or bad time. And I never got around to calling them back. I think there was the fear of not knowing what to say, the fear of maybe our only real connection being our shared experiences without which our conversations would be full of awkwardness. The knowledge that our lives would never be so tightly wound again, that we were moving apart. But its not like I never stopped thinking about them I think I just stopped being confident in talking to them, like somehow I failed in some way.
That kind of thinking lead to a love of my life marrying someone else.
And actually I think thats it, thats what's troubling me right now. I think its the fact that, especially know when I've been called an inspiration and courageous by starting my transition that I feel pressure to be something extraordinary, to live some amazing life. And so I feel guilty about when my life consists of me being stressed and feeling inadequate and mocked by hidden glances. There just seems to be a life exemplar that I'm not living that I feel disappoints those who care about me. That and the fact I still can't get a job. And so I think i'm scared of that same old fear that with physical separation there will be an emotional one as well. I really feel this pressure and subconsciously hold onto this belief that without a job, at this point I'm a bit of a failure and so I'm embarrassed. I measure myself and find me lacking. Or maybe its that other fear that I'm really not interesting as a person and I have nothing interesting to say; that deep down we were never really friends but rather that connection was forged due to circumstance and common trial. Like now I have phone dates to schedule with some of my really good girl friends who are so far away and I'm just terrified, which is not okay. I think thats why I'm kind of liking my guy friends right now who I exchange taunting e-mails or drunken texts with; purely emotional less. And that safety blanket of knowing I'll see them back at Harvard Westlake or at Duke is gone and I think that uncertainty is something that is incredibly troubling, that playtime is over and the real world is all I'll know from now on; I need to get through that but I don't know how to yet. (Oh and the fact I'm a girl now may complicate a few of my relations with friends from high school. I would love to go our athletic alumni reunion but I'm sure that would not go over well. Or smoothly. But just most of those friendships are out until a move is made on either side. So frustrating.)
And though I keep in touch with aim and facebook and whatever they just seem so false and tinny. I'm not sure if I could call someone, like verbally at this point. I'm not sure my voice would stand for it. Plus I hate my voice right now.
But there are some people I do make an effort to reach out to and I think the fact that they haven't reciprocated is really exacerbating my feelings. I really need to work through my self esteem issues. And realize these people actually do care about who I really am, and they are maybe the only ones on this whole planet who do. And to lose them as I fear I have lost everyone else would be the worst thing I could do, in the near future or for the whole of my life. Maybe my therapists would help me get rid of this self doubt; I just wish I could trust her as much as I do this blank screen.Maybe I do do better at a distance and maybe I'm that egotistical where I want to only say my piece and control the flow of a conversation to direct it away from anything I'm not comfortable with. But that's not okay. I'm tying to be open and truthful in every aspect of my life and I feel that to keep anything from my friends is a cop out and a lie. I really need to let go and trust and hope for the best in all aspects of my life, especially one so vital and needed and vital. I think what I need more than anything is an unsolicited I Love You.
But this too will pass. Once I get this damn elusice job I'll feel better about myself and feel like a person. Until then I'm going to try to keep writing letters to Hubby every month at least, and also to Suj and maybe that will be my means of communication to all my friends. It really does convey such a sense of humanity and personality, of care and thoughtfulness which is what I want all my friends to feel about me. That I do love them more than anything. And I'm done otherwise this will end up being more of the same than it's already been. Ugh I feel like Eric Carmen, like way too much like Eric Carmen.

Yeah all of the above? It probably made no sense.

okay and as I wrote Hubby today one more instance came to memory, that I'm not sure if I wrote above but I can't read my own writing. Anyway it was about how a girl, a friend of mine in like 2nd or 3rd grade went to live in Africa with her parents, who I think we're doctors, and I promised to write her and send her tapes of her favorite show, Rescue 911. I of course never did and never read the letter she wrote to me, I think. Oh and a "romantic rival" of mine for her asked me to send her a tape, which was him singing a Color Me Badd song which I listened to and then lost someplace in my closet. I think that incident shaped my life.

oh and 30 Rock is so damn hilarious. There was a brilliant joke tonight about family skeletons in the closet and Jack Donaghy, in passing mentioned his brother Tim who "bet on NBA games." It was great for me.

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A Quick Sexuality Diagnostic

I should have posted this earlier in the day as a way for you to see if you actually needed to come out today and had never thought about it before but if you're a guy or identify as a guy or are a transman and you get....tingly then you may be gay. Or maybe at least bi; I'm not sure. sexuality and gender and all that is so fluid and swirly. How about this, if this gives you "thoughts" and in your own mind you think you're gay or bi then welcome to the Queer Kids Club:

Who said only females can be the object of the male gaze? but y'know that video doesn't do anything for me. Maybe it's because he's too muscley or maybe I've become a lesbian. Who knows. Whatevs.

Here's the Kinsey Scale so you can try to figure out where you stand
0 Exclusively heterosexual
1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 Exclusively homosexual
X Asexual

though I've decided it's a bit limited. What if when I was a boy I had "homosexual" incidents but now those are more hetero and now fun with girls is homosexual. Is it the mental gender or physical sex. Ok I'm stopping before I wrap my brain around itself and get more confused. and I need to get ready for Ugly Betty/30 Rock/The Office/TMI. I think I'll be X.

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500 Posts.

Ugh. I don't understand how I've done 500 of these. (or 499 before this one, to be specific)
I've included other anniversary post below if you wanna see how this blog has (degenerated) evolved though they're all really kind of awkward and I don't understand how it worked out so that all of them seem to be Confessionals or TMIs
What a long strange trip it's been:
1st Post
100th Post
200th Post
300th Post (this is probably the only worthwhile one of these)
400th Post

But since 500 is a bigger number and thus better and more important I wanted to do something kind of different. I wanted to share with you a song I adore. I was thinking about calling it my favorite song, though I think a favorite song would be one you listen to and sing all the time, and I don't really do that for this song and plus I don't think I have a single favorite (though according to my iTunes playlist my most played is, I think Joy Division's Warsaw-go me.) Rather Pyramid Song is probably the song that is most important to me. It's the song I listen to at those important moments (the last time the morning of my graduation.) whenever I'm down or need reassurance, it is a reminder that everything is not horrible and that I can get through whatever I need to. It calms me down and soothes me and... tells me there is nothing really to be afraid of. That everything will be alright.
It is pretty much sacred to me and I thought this 500th post was a fitting and honorable enough occasion to show it.

i jumped in the river and what did i see?
black-eyed angels swimming with me
a moon full of stars and astral cars
all the figures i used to see
all my lovers were there with me
all my past and futures
and we all went to heaven in a little row boat

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

i jumped in the river
black-eyed angels swimming with me
a moon full of stars and astral cars
all the figures i used to see
all my lovers were there with me
all my past and futures
and we all went to heaven in a little row boat

there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

(lyrics from green plastic radiohead, one of my go-to sites and one that has a lot more really cool and illuminating information about this song. bolding is my own )


Radiohead-Pyramid Song [download]
Thom Yorker- Pyramid Song (live)[download]

So that was post 500. (can i stop now?) Onto 501...

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TMI: Just Like A Woman

"One is not born, but becomes a woman. No biological, psychological, or economic fate determines the figure that the human female presents in society: it is civilization as a whole that produces this creature,
-Simone de Beauvoir

That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.
-Sojourner Truth

This was sort of inspired by this Saturday when I elected to watch an Ugly Betty marathon instead of doing what I would have most likely done a year ago, watching college football. At that point and that decision seemed to me that I had actually crossed some sort of gender divide. My theme for tonight was also reinforced by Ugly Betty tonight and Alexis Meade awakening from her coma and thinking she's still a male, and so the question is what makes a woman? I've been debating this for many years in cul anth and women's studies classes but over the last, oh 9 months it has been a far more personal pursuit. But one with a definitive answer that still eludes me, like when I go to WebMd and I'm tripped up by what biological sex I should select. I mean biological at this point I can't be considered a male, if being a male means like be able to get erections or father children and all that jazz, and I have more estrogen in my body then it probably knows what to do with. So where does that leave me? with breasts and a fattening ass. Is it your acts that define what your gender is, because I dress "like a girl", I try to behave in feminine behaviors at all times, somtimes in ultra feminie acts because I'm scared of being read, but if being a woman is a sum total of traditionally feminine acts then that disallows that large number of women who don't partake in such activites, So am I more of a woman than they are? Or is the vagina still the ultimate decider? In a lot of research and study it seems to be that vulnerability is related to femininity and I know that I'm freaked out a lot of the times especially when I'm walking by myself at night because I've learned that being in heels and being as physically unimposing as I am that there could be bad people in the world. Am I a woman because I spend so much time on my appearance and perfecting my make-up? "real" women have the luxury of kind of dressing down sometimes but no one would ever question their womanhood at such points, but whenever I lounge and am less than totally groomed I feel so gungy and assume that others will think I'm manly or whatever (especially when my voice isn't where I went it, which has been happening too much lately). Or Is being a woman a result of being penetrated sexually? because then there are many - lesbians and nuns who could not be qualified as women, and many males who could. Is being a woman about being insecure? because if so I have that in spades, with more seemingly coming up each day, like worrying about my thighs. is being a woman about not being in control of your emotions? my friends will tell you about the brutalness and bizzareness of my mood swings and my crying over sadness or beauty. I think the whole thing is, and I've been trying to figure this out to write in an essay but woman, the idea of woman was created by men and so I'm basing my behavior appearance and aspirations on what other women do which was sort of dictated by the desires of men. And going out and just living my life in public, is my gender based solely on what people think I am? like in those moments where they just see me and assume one thing but later they do a double take- everything stays the same except their thoughts, and consequently my gender. I guess I'm worried more about this is, I know it wouldn't really help or be healthy and my doctor advised against it but if I take more hormones and have more female hormones in my system I feel that would validate me in a way- I think my dosage is too low. And also I worry because if an amazing job comes along but I have to be a boy I don't know if I could play that part and to be honest I don't think that would be good for my sanity at all. If I'm not a woman than what am I? I can't be accepted by guys really and there will always be that gap with my girl friends, like if I adopt a girl I'll have to have on of my friends explain about monthly visitors. Maybe a huge part of being a woman that precludes me is that history and the past of growing up as a girl with sugar and spice. It's like I forgot which music festival that limited attendants to "born women" because those shared experiences of girlish youths were formative and shared yet unique to that sex ( though the experience and self doubt of a transsexual kid is probably a close kin to any growing up experience.) I'm not sure but I know that I don't think I'd be comfortable at some "women in business" networking conference, just because I feel others wouldn't accept me. Of course in the long run I think it's a question of confidence and experience, like when I'm 30 or whatever I kind of feel that this whole question will be moot, and not just because I'll have undergone SRS, but at that point I'll have lived through a purely "womanly" life for more than just these 3 months and I'll have lived much with people who only know me as a woman, which is probably a huge part of the problem in my mind, that it's strange for one of your friends to change so dramatically and their nervousness and awkwardness kind of makes me insecure. It really just seems like I'm a constantly molded lump of clay, or a prism where whatever people think I am, I am, be it feminine boy, androgyne, manly woman or hot chick. That my gender or sex is purely a variable decided by others. Who can tell from a distance the difference between a moth and a butterfly? I'm not sure if that versatility is a cool thing or not, I don't know if I should want to be easily confined and identified in one sex or gender, though I think now it would really help my confidence. Well maybe that or plastic surgery. I don't know- whatevs.

I'm sorry I started so late but Ugly Betty and The Office premieres were tonight. And to be honest I had much higher hopes for this piece but I screwed it up and I'm not even drunk. ugh.
Here take these instead:
Bob Dylan- Just Like a Woman [download]
Jeff Buckley- Just Like a Woman (live)[download]

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Just in Case You Were Still Wondering...

why I was so upset on, I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday it was because of a conversation I had with one of my friends who's in Durham who still keeps track of the going ons at Duke (dear ol'.) She pointed me in the direction of a story about Sarah Marshall ( my tranny "friend" at Duke who I had a few issues with after we hooked up) Anyway she's still living on campus and though she is housed in the male hall of a dorm she petitioned the university to be allowed to use the women's restroom. everything was fine until a dad of one of the girls spoke out against it in protest and now he's appearing on the Montel Williams Show to "speak on behalf of society" and the fact that Duke parents are always doing things like that.
Well that really upset me for obvious reasons but also because of the ignorance and the claim to be speaking on behalf of society. I mean even before Sarah started transitioning "he" was already more femme than a lot of the girls I know- she's not going to be lusting after anyone secretly in the bathroom.
But then I thought I should e-mail her to see how she's doing, because though I didn't live in a dorm after sophomore year and so I didn't have to deal with such shit, but y'know being a transsexual friend I thought it was kind of a responsibility, to offer support. But I thought that would be kind of awkward- a month or so ago when she reappeared on faceboook she friended me and before I accepted I wrote her an email

Hey, it's good to hear from you.
I think the last time "we spoke" was the saturday after LDOC when you left a rather acidic IM to me,why I still don't understand but it added a different level of stress at that time, along with coming out to my mom, writing and researching two massive papers and the whole graduation thing and seeing really good friends for the last (or a long) time. I was confused and upset about it for a time,and, to be honest, the IM(and the subsequent SN blocking) seemed like an erratic bitchy and somewhat bipolar move, which to some extent I had come to expect but I still worried about you and tried to defend some of your actions to my friends. I had meant to write an e-mail to you about it after the fact but I had much to do and I didn't want it to be writ in the heat of emotions. but I'm a strong believer in bygones. I just wanted to let you know circumstances and situations and feelings I had on the subject and where I stood, in an attempt at honesty and to clear the air about certain things. The way things end really can pollute our perceptions and views.
But enough negativity:
I've thought of you off and on during this summer, wondering how you were doing, and I'm happy to see you're back at Duke. Since you are in Craven (and you were quite worried about being able to come back I assume that your parents took the "coming out" (I dislike that phrase) well (?) If they did that makes me glad. I'm also happy that you seem to be so happy and truly enjoying life; it truly is a beautiful and wondrous thing

i sent it to a few e-mail accounts that I though kind of have been associated with her and none bounced back, but she didn't respond so I didn't know if things were now "cool" between us or what- it's kind of a limbo. I realize another reason I didn't write her recently was something in the article about a 'transsexual student awaiting [srs]' and I freaked out and got kind of jealous that somehow she'd "get it" before me and that once again I'm killing time and treading water (before I realized that such phrasing is incredibly vague and doesn't necessarily mean the surgery is imminent) but I was also jealous in that she was the subject of notoriety and kind of a prominent role, I guess. (i am incredibly insecure and jealous sometimes- i admit this.)

But then I read this earlier article about how the bathroom program was only a temporary thing and lasted a weekend and once there was a complaint Sarah (not Plain, but Tall) was moved, which was a relief because there are quite a few dorm rooms on campus with private bathrooms ( some of my guy friends had them and they weren't trans- just lazy and lucky with room picks) and I figured that the whole situation wasn't that big a deal but me being me I took other's supposed stress and tried to solve problems that weren't really there.
I know I didn't explain that like I wanted to but I've been meaning to write about it and that's what came out. I must admit though I am very happy I don't have to live with dormlife- there are benefits to being a "grown-up."

That being said I really wish I was back at Duke if only for the fact Regina Spektor is coming for a concert in November- green with envy I am.

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Weekend Bonus! More Random Dreams with Inappropriate People

Today I think I've really crossed some sort of gender divide- spending a fall weekend watching an Ugly Betty marathon instead of football? I don't think I would have done this, this time last year.

Anyway, in an attempt to not have the readership of this blog drop so dramatically on the weekends, and because I felt the urge, I decided to do a few posts where I write things that wouldn't fit into my weekday schedule, or things I've been slacking off on doing. Weekends will be like Special Features.

LAst night was an incredibly weird night, I'm not sure if it was something I drank before I went to bed, me passing out so early or maybe it was the rain outside, but my dreams were incredibly vivid and confusing and awkward and sooo of course I thought I'd write what I can remember about them here. I took notes early to help me along (and yes once again I am a dork)

Dee, who I had another random and completely inappropriate dream about, and I were on set watching some thing being filmed. She put her arm around me and said something like "i'm so happy you're here- your my best friend" I remember she was wearing the same pigtails, and heavy black eyeliner that she had in her facebook picture. I told herI wasn't her best friend just a good friend. It was really just a comfortable feeling moment and then I don't know how it happened but we started hooking up on a carpet on set, while production of I think like an SNL type show was still going on. It was really awkward and fumbly (I think she was the top though I don't think that would be possible; even in my dreams I don't understand the mechanics or dynamics of MTF tranny on tranny sex. Kind of like those couple of times in real life) and messy and very wet. We stopped because one of the bars in my braces had broken, though I haven't worn braces in like 8 years, and Dee looked really upset and dissappointed and shied away from looking at me and I felt really ashamed for letting her down. I then left down a set of stairs that you see like in office buildings. Later on I was at a grocery store, one of those grocery stores where the produce and bread sections have nice wooden floors and better lighting and some guy, that I felt I knew, came up and called me a bitch. I asked him why and he said he saw me when I was running away on the stairs but I ignored him. I tried to apologize profusely and explain to him that I didn't not want to see him and I wouldn't have just ignored him but that as I was on the stairs "Arnett" was called (I don't remember if someone called out to me Arnett or if Arnett called me) and I was invited to like a party.

At was at this point that I guessed I was coming out of deep sleep because I could hear my neighbors being really loud which kept me awake as I was trying to desperately go back to sleep and get back into that dream so I could make it up to Dee. It didn't work. As I fell back asleep...

It was a wooden staircase of very rich and dark wood and underneath it was a little cubby hole. On the underside of the staircase was a little door. As you opened the door you found yourself floating in a blue sky with trees and meadows beneath you. floating as if you were being carried by balloons. Like you were falling into this hole and you fell into the sky. But I couldn't land like everyone else could so easily and I was trying and they ( I guess the people I had seen land earlier) were in my voice trying to tell me to land and I just couldn't do it.

The next scene I was on a sidewalk in the downtown of some major city with a lot of skyscrapers and buildings with glass fronts, where there was in the street corner, instead of a street light, a rather large stationary camera and as I was running down the street the camera rotated its gaze and followed me everywhere I went and with it's dark center it looked like an eye and was really creepy.

The next thing I remember is playing football in like a backyard, but it was kind of a junkyard because there were a couple of old cars, and I think I was playing (or maybe just watching) this game and I think the players were all pros because I remember Asante Samuels being involved. Anyway at some point a ball went into a black window of one of the cars but everyone was scared to go in and get it because there was a really big dog, but the dog came out and started chasing people around but then it morphed into a big scary looking guy who felt really sleazy and I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

At that point I don't remember anything more.

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TMI: Family Ties

Stop me if you've heard this before. So of the ideas I had for this and things I wanted to include here I think I may have already written but I'm not sure and I'm too lazy to look and I may have confused this with time with my therapists so who knows. I doubt anyone reads these anyway; they're more for me to vent. And this is what I feel I need to vent about this week. So...
I don't know if I have a normal family, though there is no such thing as normal especially when it comes to family, but just the family dynamic and the sense of belonging and cohesiveness and mutual caring I don't think I've ever experienced. I guess it started when I was young; my dad was an alcoholic and though I don't know if he ever physically hurt my mom, I doubt she would tell me if I asked I remember, especially on one occasion when I was about 3 or 4 my mom bundled my brother and I into a car and we parked in our local grocery store parking lot and slept there for the night. They never got along that I can remember, all I can think of is them yelling at each other and me crying for them to stop. They got divorced when I was 5. Since then I saw him often when he lived out near us then he started moving around the country and I calculated that in the last 8 years I've sen him 3 times; once when we flew down to viist him after he was in a freak accident, 2ndly my high-school graduation and finally for graduation this year. I never talk to him because he really means nothing to me, though I was very close to writing him, for the sole purpose of berating him, calling his life a failure telling him that he would probably die alone because he was already dead to me yada yada, before I calmed myself down, in response to an e-mail he wrote saying he was disappointed in me. Considering how he lives in the deep south I really have no plans to ever see him again. My brother was born four and a half years before me and so we were never really close. When I was in 1st graded and was going to the same school as him, he was in the 6th and would have nothing to do with me, not even showing me around. Then of course when you grow up he enters puberty when I'm still a kid and when I'm at that tstage of trying to figure out wtf is happening physically he's off to college. Of course he was always my big brother and I always thought I cared about him and wanted to please him, and perhaps to some extent I still do but the fact we never have conversations and he seems to hate me sort of cuts that off quick. Even though I've known he was gay since I was either 12 or 13 and I, as the younger kid is wont to do, was snooping around in his computer and came upon a letter he wrote to one of his track friends begging him not to "let some gay shit" get in the way of their friendship, well for that reason and the fact that whenever anyone would ask him why he didn't have a girlfriend he would always reply that he was focusing on school, or that in college he had my mom and I come up (on the weekend of CIF finals no less) to see a reversed gendered romeo and juliet that had so many phalli. When I actually came out to him, over AIM but still, it was in december and when I told him I was a transsexual I remember him freaking out and asking me if I still had my penis and telling me I couldn't get "rid of it" for years and years and really not offering any support, which really shocked and confused me especially when I came home for winter break and his boyfriend is living in my house and my mom I guess was trying to be oblivious. Now that I've been in L.A. he's just incredibly contemptuous of me (and of course we've never had a real conversation, like ever) and dismisses anything I do with such an air of arrogance, though he's done nothing to warrant it, to the point where he's become just another asshole to me that I can do without, which sucks because I would love to have a big brother; I just wish he were'nt such a bastard. I've never been sure what caused this contempt that is so deep he couldn't come to my high school or college graduations, I have a few theories but I feel that it's one of those "all about me" things; one that he was jealous of me that I went to H-W and then Duke, both amazingly prestigious and privileged schools or that I was able to go to Africa for a summer and stuff like that and so he's jealous of the opportunites that I have been afforded, as well as the fact that apparently people who know us tell him that I'm smarter than he is, which has to be grating.. My other theory as to why he has not really accepted me is that even though he's almost 5 years older than me, and almost 30 now, I came out before him and that crushed his hope that I could give my mom her genetic grandkids and now that responsibility falls to him and now he's confronting his own fear of coming out (which at this point I don't understand, I mean he's been living with this guy, that I actually don't like and seems very white trashy, for a few years now, though maybe it's different for older kids) I can totally understand the feeling of not wanting to disappoint my mom, who after my grandma died around the same time the only male figure in my life, my uncle died, has been the most important person in my world and that fear of disappointing her was probably what kept me from coming out for so long. My mom, her brother was 20 when she was born and so all of my cousins are either in alabama, and so I never will see them, or are 50 and if I can be blunt they are a sorry lot. Though I looked up to them all when I was young; I remember when I was about 11 sitting at maybe a Burger King with 2 of them and them quizzing me as to whether I was gay, which at that point I didn't understand. Well two have been in prison, one is okay and the other has no money in his bank account and has been living in my house, smoking weed every morning and paying no rent fr five years. Oh he's 50 and I despise him, not even for the fact that he used to call me a "fag" (lovely word) And so I've never had cousins my age to grow and play with, or whatevs. Or maybe my brother's reticence comes from our family's religiousness. Both of my grandparents were ministers and I was being groomed to be the next generation until I was about 13 and stopped believing in their god when he couldn't transfigure me into becoming a girl. But so my mom is very religious and whenever anything homosexual or whatever came on television, for example she would decry the immorality of civilization (which thankfully she has stopped doing, I'd like to think because of me.) I've always loved my mom and she loves me, as all parents must,but I've always felt there was a distance between us, perhaps because of the gigantic secret I held for so many years, maybe because as a single mom who also was active in all these organizations so I never really saw her which always sucked because I would have loved to spend time with her but she was always "not there." And now as I'm about to move to San Fran the closeness that I thought we gained in the past few months is leaving and though she loves me I'm not sure she supports me. Like the fact I have no money for hormones right now is incredibly frustrating because I know if I were to ask her for "money for hormones" she wouldn't give it to me so I become depressed over the state of my life. At certain points it gets real lonely not having a family not having people you know care about you. I really envy those (obviously fake) families with large Thanksgiving dinners or Christmas parties; I don't even know my uncle's birthday. Family is what is meant to moor you, to give you some sense of place and belonging and the fact I've never felt that obviously contributes to the isolation I would naturally feel, "in my current state." I would love to know that there are people who live me no matter what (besides my amazing friends.) or no matter what I am. Even though I really think identical twins are kind of creepy ( half a soul!) I would love to be able to have that connection with someone. To never have done any of that childhood bonding stuff, to never have a real conversation (hell I'm lucky if my brother even says hello to me) it wears you down which was why I think for the past week (along with other stresses, aka working on living arrangements/job stuff/not wanting to be a boy-becoming a girl) I've been feeling just so fucking down. And I know I should try to cherish my relations and blood because I'll miss them when they're gone but I wonder about that, I can be a very cold person at times Maybe that's hwy I feel no problem changing my last name as well, because I feel no connection to it or any of it's holders.. sigh, Whatever happened to those Full House endings? I think I'm going to try to hug my mom now, while I still can.
end recording. (and yeah i don't think i can or did fully articulate what I was trying to. fuck. whatevs)

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TMI: The Weight of Expectations

I'm really glad that my crisis of confidence didn't fall closer to a Thursday because otherwise this would be a lot darker and probably less thoughtful ( though I have no doubt my Suicide is Painless TMI will come soon.) (and this is actually a midnight transmission, at least for you west of the ohio and other parts of the world)
But this is what will do for tonight and, it being the first Thursday of the month and so writing to Hubby ( which was really hard today maybe because I was trying to respond to her letter philosophically about how in life things fade away and it is not only perfectly acceptable but kind of to be desired, while the whole time I was agreeing with some points but not ever wanting her to fade away from me, or vice versa)- the whole time I was writing though I was thinking about something she told me, which I of course took to heart; that I'm an amazing writer, and each of my letters so far has been perfect. And so I don't want to let her down with a subpar letter, even if I have nothing to say. Especially not for her. I personally think I'm a pretty good writer, though reading this you would probably have no idea, and I'm pretty sure that skill is the only reason I actually got a diploma but when someone you really care about, and that you actually wanna make happy and impress says that it ups the ante. Expectations always fuck me up because, I guess it's my lack of self confidence but I always feel I'm not actually that good, that people are just being nice, and that I will end up disappointing them in the end. And there have alwasy been expectations which have pretty much run my life. For example, my grandfather started a church and so my mom really expects me to become Pastor when I'm older, though I have been a vocal and avowed Non-Christian for like 6 years, or just, and it's hard to explain but when you're a black kid who goes to a school like Harvard-Westlake you have the pressure of not only working hard to prove you're not some scholarship case, but also fulfilling those expectations that people have of you, ebing a member of the Talented tenth or whatever; I can't count how many people predicted me being called Doctor, and now ,though I may go to grad school on the phd track just because I have no clue what to do with my life, I will feel I'll disappoint them all. It was kind of the same with football, when I used to play cornerback ( and if somehow you missed the blaring neon signs, I used to be a boy) the defensive coach constantly told me that I could cover the rain, and do I felt those expectations which kind of fucked me up and when I fucked up I could feel his disappointment, real or imagined.
In AmeriCorps things were kind of the same; I'm not sure but I think people didn't expect too much out of me or to be so me, but I would constantly surprise them ( so much so that I was called the Pretender after that millenial tv show on NBC) and when we were working at Bainbridge Elementary in Port Deposit, MD, I wasn't assigned a class like my teammates, maybe because the principal didn't like my look, though the kids in my first grade class ended up adoring me ( and they're all now like in at least the 6th grade.) I'm far better at surpassing low expectations, than reaching high ones, at least in my mind. Though of course for the longest time I have failed at the very doable expectation of keeping in touch with people. In college I didn;t feel any real pressure, because it is college and no one knows what to expect, except maybe just the heteronormative pressure and that expectation ( and anyway I thought at that point I had stopped caring what people thought about me.) Once I started coming out to friends another kind of expectation took root, that I would necessarily start associating with the queer kids ( and I like the word queer so much more than gay; maybe it's because I like q) though I had some issues with that whole scene.
But now is when I feel the expectations and the weight of such a burden. I really believe one of the reasons I started transitioning so late (I know I'm young but it's been a decade of constantly thinking about it) was the expectation that I'm sure my mom must have, that she will ahve grandchildren and that not both her boys would not be straight. And since I knew my brother was gay since I was 14 I felt for a long time that I was expected to hold up the mantle of normality and get married, to a girl, not as a girl and I really never want to disappoint my mom. I also never wanted to ruin all the dreams she had for me and the esteem in which I was held by her friends as an exceptional young black male with a limitless future. Anyway I always expected that when I started transitioning that I would no longer be the wretched melancholy person I was, and for the most part I have been happier, but of course there are dark days. More importantly though I feel the expectation to live up to what my friends expect of me (or at least what they expect of me in my own mind); I've been full time since about the time I started this blog but I feel that my life should be more glamourous and happening and exciting in order to meet their expectations of me ( I'm still really hung up on the fact that I have been called the bravest person someone has ever met, and an inspiration) though my life is exceedingly boring; I'm at home most days because I have no where to go and so I do this blog. But that's not exciting, I don't have a boyfriend or any amazing stories and so I fear calling my best friends and talking to them ( well that and the fact I really hate my voice right now) because if they knew how boring I actually am now (save the occasional dance party with my pets) they would be disappointed. I also expected that during my transition that people would do the whole double take/avert eyes thing, which they have but only after a very long look where they can deduce I wasn;t born a girl; I didn't expect as many girls to flirt with me (even when I'm "butched up" because of a depressive mood; during this times people also stare so I don't know.) But I'm laways pretty paranoid when I go out that everyone has to know and so I expect people to stare and when they sometimes don't it's quite upsetting. Myabe i just hate being wrong. There was a time when I expected to be the belle of the ball, but those were just dreams. More importantly to me current situation where I am seriously debating between hormones and makeup or foo is that I thought getting a degree from Duke would pretty much guarantee me a job (albeit the degrees are in religion and cutltural anthropology), especially inn the field I wanted, of human rights and social service. And so of course that doesn't happen and now I'm scared to apply for any job which I feel is a reach and will probably settle for something basic to pay the bills, all because of the pretty reasonable expectation that in the peace corps- it might not be the best place to transition, though it has been a dream since i was 16. And so I sit here depressed that I'm not living a glamorous exciting life for my friends, and that I'm not living a good christian hetero life for my mom, and pissed that any of my expectations for myself aren't happening, though of course I am an eternal optimist and I magically believe that when I move to San Francisco at the end of this month that I will be a belle and that my life will be urbane.
I think the fact that I hold myself to an incredibly high standard is to blame. When I was growing up I wanted to be Alexander the Great, and he conquered the world by the time he was 21, I wrote a screenplay when I was 13 but I thought it wasn't good enough. I have always aimed for perfection, to be perfect and when I can't attain that standard in something really important to me I feel like a failure and worthless. I have always wanted to be all things for my friends, and like when I can't solve their guy problems I take it as an indictment of myself. I hate the fact that I am not the most beautiful and natural girl (or at least tranny) ever ( and can scrutinize every slight departure from natural womanness to the point where I'm closing to chugging pills)My therapists, of course tells me that these expectations are unreasonable but I have a very high self confidence level, though I think I'm a piece of shit that is suffering through this life as karmic retribution. To paraphrase madame Nina I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, but I always end up misunderstood. Mostly by myself. And I know my friends love me as I am and not want or expect the world, but I feel they do and that feeling is what I think I need to surpass. And so I can only do and pledge what I always do; to be better. ::sigh::

( and because of google analytics and the fact that people may actually read this I'm kind of sad that this post isn't absolutlety stellar and amazing and didn't come out like I wanted it to., though I originally intended this site as just something where I could rant and get things off my mind without caring about the consequence, hence the original motto "we're just dancing like no one's watching")

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