"Ladies and gentlemen*, whether you like it or not-Hedwig!"

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been in Nevada, outside Vegas since late last Sunday working for a Miracle and the Edwards Campaign in preparation for the caucuse on the 19th, so that's where I'll be until next Sunday. And I'll be sure to write more about my feelings and all that jazz later but this weekend is a huge statewide canvassing effort so I need to rest up so I can be at my persuasive best.
Anyway now that apologies are out of the way, I had also been stuck because my next post (this post) would be my 1000th post and I wanted to make it somewhat special and so since I couldn't think of anything that would stand out and because this movie is my absolute favorite and an inspiration for this site I decided to (after a lot of ripping and uploading and all other types of illegal technological mayhem) post it.
And so here is 2001's so utterly beyond fabulous "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" (a movie I loved so much that I saw the stage play in Rome, in Italian, which was quite an experience.) But... I hope you love it as much as I do

*and those in between
(and just remember the fat lady has never sung after the first two scenes)

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Candy & Daddy

A Mid Day Movie starring an inspiration of mine and one of my heroes, the beautiful miss Candy Darling, in what has been described as " a riotous satire of Park Avenue life."

It is Candy & Daddy, a 1972 film by Anton Perich "Taylor Mead plays a pervert and increasingly drunk father of gorgeous blonde minx Candy Darling, who, with her boyfriend (Craig Vandenburg), has just thrown a wild party and totally destroyed their Central Park West apartment that is filled with large Marilyn and flower paintings by Warhol. Within this tranquil domestic setting, Daddy attempts to seduce his daughter and her boyfriend"

sounds like a blast



Happy Thursday.

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TMI: Last Night's Dream

I told you I'd try to slut things up and so since my dream last night was really interesting and fun to experience, plus the fact it's stuck with me and I've really had nothing for TMI in weeks, what the hey.
Anyway the dream started and I feel like I was working for a local politician in one of the big cities of Australia. She was really attractive and a lesbian but I think she left office or something because I stopped working for her, and she sort of vanished. The next thing I rememeber is moving into like an apartment building filled with some other girls but it was more like a dorm because the showers and bathrooms were communal and so there would be a pretty regular stream of girls leaving it wearing very similar bathrobes made out of what seemed to be taffeta and terry cloth that was a dark coral color. Anyway when I went to the bathroom to take a shower before I could open it I had to hurry back to my room because I had forgotten my robe and it seemed to be like mandatory. And so I made it back to the bathroom and inside was a guy that I felt I knew, maybe we had worked together or something because it was comfortable and fun and mildly flirty. I think he said something like "we're both in here at the same time I guess we have to shower together" which made perfect sense to me. So we get in and I feel he suggested that since we were in their that I "help him out" and so I guess I was either in a very horny or just suppliant mood because I reached for his dick but it was like really small, like even hard it was only like two inches, it only reached to my ring finger and I told him that i couldn't work with that at which point he got out of the shower and, this part is a little hazy but I'm not sure if he turned from a black guy into a guy that looked exactly like Dermot Mulroney (i have no! clue where that came from) or from Dermot Mulroney into a black guy but his cock got huge and so I welcomed him back into the shower. I then proceeded to give him a hand job and then to grind like a stripper against him, and there was a full body mirror right under the showerhead so I could see anything and I saw I looked like Kristen Bell as she looks on Heroes kinda with the bangs and so I was giving Dermot Mulroney a standing up lap dance (if you will.) That scene ended and I found us on the harbor in like a katamaran and we were chasing something , I can't remember what, but Dermot at some point told me that my (former) boss was really attracted to me but she knew I was a guy and so she couldn't do it. And then I was rearranging my place in the most perfect manner that I wish I could remember right now.

No I don't know what it means exactly, though I'm sure it's ripe for interpreattion, but it was one of those dreams that while you're dreaming it it just felt so funa dn awesome.


(ok and the experience of writing this has been so full of deja vu it's a little unsettling.)

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Things To Do This Week: Weekend Edition*

*including Thursday of course. And I almost forgot all about this

• Thursday
• Metal:A Headbanger's Journey "[follows] Canadian anthropologist and metal enthusiast Sam Dunn as he travels the world on a quest to understand the origins and controversies of the genre at Silent Movie Theatre"
  
• The Idiots at the Steve Allen Theatre
  
• “The 7th Annual Attack of the 50 Foot Reels” at the Egyptian “Twenty filmmakers compete with this challenge: shoot one 50-foot cartridge of super 8 film, edit entirely in-camera, and create your own original soundtrack without seeing the film. Flicker then assembles the bits and pieces, without the filmmakers seeing the final product until tonight, when the results are revealed."
  
• Grindhouse Film Festival Presents She Freak at the New Beverly
  
• Atlanta: The Musical (co-written by Adrian Pasdar) at the Geffen Playhouse
  
• Benedictus at the LA Theater Center “America plans to bomb Iran, in Motti Lerner's political drama, translated from the Hebrew by Anthony Berris.”
  
• Bob’s Holiday Office Party “Small-town insurance agent throws his annual Christmas bash, in Joe Keyes and Rob Elk's comedy.” At the Lounge Theatre
  
• Gospels of Childhood “Poland's Teatr Zar collective interprets Christian texts through acting, chanting and movement.” At the UCLA Freud Playhouse
  
• Letters to The President at the Electric Lodge “Selections from the more than 130 letters M.S. Garvey has written to President Bush”
  
• Monna Vanna at the Stella Adler
  
• The Nightwatchman at The Hotel Café
• SF
• Hannah Takes The Stairs at the Red Vic Movie House
  
• Dress Up at the New Conservatory Theatre Group
  
• Stardust and Empty Wagons: Stories From the Katrina Diaspora "Cut from the same cloth as "The Laramie Project" and other interview-based stage docu-dramas, Ellen Gavin's "Stardust and Empty Wagons" assembles testimony from displaced New Orleans residents. Their tales of Hurricane Katrina's destruction, difficult personal flights and our government's failure to properly rebuild sport the inevitable power of real-life disaster reportage" at the Brava Theater Center
  
• Ozomatli at the Fillmore
  
• Van Hunt at the Independent
  

• Friday
• Jimmy Scott at the Echo
  
• The Raspberries at the House of Blues
  
• Cake at the Orpheum
  
• Carole King and James Taylor at the Troubadour
  
• The Glory of Living at the Victory Theatre Group
  
• The Life and Times of Tulsa Lovechild at the Elephant
  
• “Fusion: The 5th Los Angeles LGBT of Color Film Festival” at the Egyptian Theater Fusion 2007, a “consciously multiracial, gender-inclusive arts event” marrying film, music, spoken word, performance, panels and workshops kicks off with its opening gala, featuring short films of “inspiring personal journeys and the exuberance of youth,” including Dee Rees’ Pariah, Cinzia’s The Matchmaker, Cherien Dabis’ Make A Wish, Nick Oceano’s El Primo, and Soman Chainani’s Kali M (continues all weekend)
  
• “Ninth Annual Nihilist Film Fest” at Track 16 "Ninety minutes of twisted independent short-film nothingness, “ranging from troubling to hilarious” and “profound to completely silly.”
  
• Aimee Mann's Second Annual Christmas Show at the El Rey
  
• Bella Sorella at the Coffee Gallery Backstage
  
• The Boofont Sisters at Casita Del Campo
  
• Love Loves a Pornographer at [Inside] the Ford
  
• Narnia at Sierra Madre Playhouse
• SF
• The Comedians of Comedy at The Independent
  
• Issa (Jane Siberry) at the Great American Music Hall
  

• Saturday
• The Lemonheads at The Troubadour
  
• Bury the Dead at the Park La Brea Activities Center
  
• The John Butler Trio at the Orpheum
  
• The Mismatch Game at the Renberg Theatre
  
• Shakespeare's R & J at the Chandler Studio
• SF
• Madam Butterfly at the War Memorial Opera House
  
• "25 Year Anniversary of Thriller" at Milk
  
• Kathy Griffin at the Nob Hill Masonic Center
  
• "NEXMAP: New Experimental Music, Art, Performance" at the Recombinant Media Labs
  

• Sunday
• VHS or Beta at the El Rey
  
• Hong Sang-soo's Woman is the Future of Man at the Silent Movie Theatre
  
• Fire in The Well at the Hammer Museum
  
• Young, Jewish and Left” a new doc examining “race, queerness, spirituality, Zionism, resistance, justice and liberation,” featuring progressive community organizers, playwrights, artists and rabbis” at the Workmen’s Circle
• SF
• Reduced to Ruin, The Scotland Yard Gospel Choir at the Make-Out Room
  
• Rake’s Progress at the War Memorial Opera House
  
• Gays & Dolls at the San Francisco Comedy College
  
• Dodo for President at the Off-Market Theater
  
• "Sunday’s A Drag" at Harry Denton’s Starlight Room
  
• United Genders of the Universe at the Pacific Center for Human Growth
  
  

and that's the end of that chapter

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TMI: A Fantasy in Brief

(well a different one than in the future money will be replaced by hugs.)

Anyway I really don't have anything on my mind that I want to get off of my chest (what?); it's been a fairly tame time emotionally and any thing I may have worried about I think I hashed out in my almost 20 pages of letters to Hubby last week and various emails to my girls. So for tonight I thought I'd have the shortest TMI by revealing one of my biggest fantasies- I was going to list all of them but some would have been really embarrassing and I'm way too sober to do that.

So I formed this one while I was in Rome and it is so specific that it'll probably never happen (though everytime I'll go to Rome I'll still by on the hunt*) but it's to hook up with an Italian named Enzo in a SmartCar that's parked by the Arch of Constantine and the Colosseum while it's raining and hopefully thundering-roman thunder sounds like the sky is being ripped in two. It's pretty cinematic, but that's how I roll. It never came anywhere close to happening while I was there (another tranny named Laura in the bathroom of a gay club probably doesn't count.)

I know "hook up" is a vary vague and imprecise term and I probably just mean it to mean make out and all that jazz. As I wrote to Suj while explaining that I wouldn't actually become a stripper was I think I'm like the least sexual person ever. I'm really not sure I give off that vibe or that I'd want to right now; the hormones have zapped a lot of my libido and sex is so complicated and a hassle. Of course I'm saying all this while dead sober and when I get a capiriniha or two in me I maybe get a little too loving. Anytime though I'm a bit of a make out whore.

This may have been a little short but, we're out of string cheese so I'm outta here (and yes 30 Rock just ended. I love that show)
*so if you're italian, named Enzo and have or want to rent a SmartCar in Rome sometime...

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Ephemeral Desires: Things that are too cool/trendy for me*

*but I still would like to see or experience

This may be a little cobbled together mostly because I haven't really been paying attention, or maybe nothing really interested me; I am notoriously difficult to please.

• Um I'd enjoy if global warming would kick back into gear. I mean I'm freezing right now.
• I need an Allison Storr.
  
• I don't know what I want more- to have The Tales of Beedle the Bard or just to be close and good enough friends with J.K. Rowling to be considered for that gift. I was happy enough with Potter- I don't think I need to be absorbed into another world so connected to it.
• I would love to go out drinking with the Princes and a rugby team. I feel that..um..."fun" things would inevitably happen, especially after a 25 hour bender (and yeah I know it's old news but I've been gone)
• Speaking of "fun things" I'd kind of like to know how you have sex with a bike. I mean I can think of one way (handlebars are involved) but I'd like to maybe get inside the head of the guy who plead guilty to that "crime." Or maybe not. He's probably weird.
• On the subject of bikes and weird things that I'd rather not have happen, I would really enjoy if my hero Lance Armstrong would stop being seen with not to mention making out with Ashley Olsen. I mean ewww. Eww. Ew. Though I was thinking about it and I now have a path in Degrees of Separation with Lance now; I went to high school with Katzenberg, he dated one of them (not sure which) and now Ashley's something with Lance. You see? Even flowers can grow out of poop.
• But I really need to find my own make out buddy (I think I'm a make out whore) Maybe CrazyBlindDate, which "sets you up with a blind casual encounter according to your availability" could be the answer...I guess. Though it seems weird; at least in regular blind dates your friends kinda know your taste in depth (and plus you can punch them if it's horrbile. Punches always make you feel better.)
• Apparently trannies are "the new hot model accessory." Does this mean we're little purse dogs now? I mean I know we have that "on the edge" cool cachet, but does this mean I have to look so flamboyant, so drag queeny in order to hang out with people I'd probably get bored with in a few days? I'm sure it would be a fun few days though.
• There was a headliine that I really hope wil become a metaphor or a prophesy that "Obama's Plane Lost in Iowa" I'd really enjoy if he lost his way there. Like a lot. Though I must say if you can't hire a pilot to land at the right airport how can you command and lead our nation and our troops out of Iraq and this malaise.
• Speaking of Barack (because I just thought of it) apparently he's irritated at the rumour that "he's a muslim plant trying to take over America." but I'd like for him to actually deny it, which I don't believe he's ever done. (p.s. I feel I wrote about that photo and I stand by whatever I said though I don't remember what that was.)
• The writer of the british Queer as Folk is at work on a drama that is "going to be about fortysomething gay men and how jealous they are of gay teenagers…" I mean that could be really interesting, not only just about aging and all the angst that must bring, or the maybe middle age longing for kids and how they express it but also about possible jealous over the growing tolerance that older people did not possibly receive when they were young and growing up and psychologically like that. But...I don't wanna see a show about old people.
• And finally I really want to end my damn Scrabulous losing streak. It's the only thing I do on Facebook now and I'm a little obsessed with it. I just wish I were better.
  

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Your Simply Amazing Stuck in My Head Song of the Day

You know how usually I try to relate this to how or what I'm feeling or how those feelings or events may have inspired a song to be stuck in my head? Well I'm not doing that tonight, in an attempt to retain, or create an air of mystery around me (and maybe make you think I'm cooler than I really am) here are the lyrics to Portishead's Glory Box, if they give you an idea of what I'm feeling...

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play,
For I've been a temptress too long.

Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just wanna be a woman.

From this time, unchained,
We’re all looking at a different picture,
Through this new frame of mind,
A thousand flowers could bloom,
Move over, and give us some room.

Yeah,
Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
I just want to be a woman.

So don't you stop, being a man,
Just take a little look from our side when you can,
Sow a little tenderness,
No matter if you cry.

Give me a reason to love you,
Give me a reason to be,
A woman,
It's all I wanna be is all woman.

For this is the beginning of forever and ever,
It's time to move over ,
So I want to be.

I'm so tired of playing,
Playing with this bow and arrow,
Gonna give my heart away,
Leave it to the other girls to play.
For I've been a temptress too long.

Hmm just,
Give me a reason to love you.

mmhm.
and this video and song really could of make me wanna go to a little dark cafe where smokes dances and drifts in the light. ::sigh:: I think I'd have to travel a few states away or a few years into the past for that. Anyway here is the smoky and sultry Beth Gibbons and the rest of Portishead with Your Simply Amazing Stuck in My Head Song of the Day- Glory Box (live at Roseland)

buy Portishead-Roseland New York DVD

Portishead- Glory Box (mp3) buy Dummy

La-di-da, la-di-da...

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A TMI Classic: Self Discovery through Pop Culture

I was thinking about posting a new one of these tonight but I got up way too early this morning and I have to do it again tomorrow, so I'm really exhausted. (and of course I had to start it at this hour because of Ugly Betty/30 Rock and The Office) So I'm going to repost an early TMI, because as NBC once said, if you haven't seen it, it's new to you.
This one is Self Discovery Through Pop Culture, which was inspired by this post Tales of Self Discovery through Bad Movies, from the 23rd of July, which preceded TMI by a few days. It's rather entertaining, at least to me, so enjoy. Or not. Whatever.

This is probably going to be a little lean because this post, by its nature of me trying to remember things that happened over a decade ago and also the fact that I'm not drinking right now but I'll try cuz, I've done this once so its tradition. Anyway as I watch Ugly Betty explain the difference between transvestitism and transsexuality, and Alexis Meade describing various feminizing surgeries, it seems an appropriate time as any, and I did say on Tuesday that this would be my topic if not earth shattering happened in my life so... andiamo. Oh wait I didn't really tell the topic umm...early signs I was different? Does that work? Whatevs; I still don't believe anyone actually reads this, so its just me and my therapist. (I'm going to use the power of the internet to research a few dates so I know how old I was for certain things, though I prefer to do this in a rambling stream of consciousness style.) I have a memory of being in some toy store and really wanting, I think it was, a female He-Man action figure that I really wanted to be and dreamed about being, which according to wikipedia was called She-Ra. The site claims that they discontinued the line in the middle of 1987 so I guess this had to be when I was no older than 4, which is wow! I had no idea I had any memories of anything that early. But I know I got that doll, I mean action figure and I remember playing a lot with her tiara. The next relevant memory I have is when I was shopping with my grandma in some mall thats no longer there. I was still really young at this point I think, and my grandma and I were in some beauty store maybe, with like hair accesories and the like I guess. But I remember trying on a plastic headband (an "Alice Band": I like that) and wearing it around the store. I remember walking out of the store still wearing it and one of the workers rushing out to get me. I must have been young because I think it must have been written off as a cute innocent thing. I remember up until 2nd grade I would only play with girls; I remember jumping a lot of rope and then when one of my friends got hurt by a speed walker I remember crying over it. Like a lot. Like enough where the teacher had to console me, and I may have gotten to go home early. I think it was the middle of 3rd grade, maybe during a semester break (did we have those in elementary school?) I went to a church camp up in the mountains (the first time I saw snow!) and at a cafeteria lunch I remember the girls raving over my eyelashes and how cute I looked; I reveled in that. (God I was such a queen; its a tad embarrassing) But I think it must have been sometime before this when, getting back to the pop culture point of this post, where I guess my mom and I were watching the Sally Jessy Raphael Show ( I am so dating myself with that.) The topic was something like parents who raise their children as the opposite gender. I was incredibly drawn to the show and I remember one of the guests; she was I'm pretty sure a Hispanic kid wearing a bright red dress with a really festive and ornamental head wear (in my mind I have a mental image but I think the exact memory has probably been corrupted by Ma Vie En Rose) and her mother was so accepting and I remember wishing that that would be me and that I could do that. But some socialization and knowledge of gender norms had sunk in because I knew that I shouldn't be too excited to watch it, or betray too much enthusaism because I didn't know what my mom would think. But I think I used it as a segue to ask her if there was anyone in our family who had had a sex change and apparently there is (some second or third cousin in Louisiana.) I'm trying not to cloud this to much with me analysis and implanting thoughts for 8 year old me. But maybe that gave me some type of hope and a realization that changing yourself wasn't something that only happened in the movies. I guess I was entering some sort of latency period (Freud is still b.s.), or probably just an acknowledgment that I wasn't the way "I was supposed to be" but of course I never stopped thinking about it. There was some case in the news about a girl suing to become a boy scout and as I was walking home from school I angrily wondered why a boy couldn't be a girl scout and then imagining my life as a brownie (wow these memories are actually really embarrassing) And according to this I was 8 at the time, wow, wow. On the first episode of X-Men the animated series on the first episode Morph died and I know he was my favorite X-Men because I wanted his power to change into whoever I wanted. According to this the show premiered in 92. And whenever anyone asked me what superpower I wanted if I could have any I would always say the ability to morph, though I never admitted it was to change into a girl. Actually I still want that power. But around this time I guess The Crying Game came out and though I didn't see it for years after I found out the secret and was so so so jealous of Jaye Davidson, hell I still am (such a gorgeous boy) plus the theme song was sung by Boy George who had always been one of my heroes just how he was so feminine and pretty, and I was definitely looking for signs of my "normality" and role models at this time. As any good tranny worth her salt I remember dressing up in my mom's clothes whenever I was left home alone, and I missed a good number of days just because I was bored and I'd like to believe to smart for school, and every time I would get dressed I would try to keep the clothes on for as long as I could to just imagine that I could always be that way. I'm sure my mom had to have noticed the remnants of make up on my face and maybe some clothing slightly misplaced, but she said she didn't know. When puberty hit, I don't know exactly when it started, I was incredibly confused by it all and since my brother and I never talked I had no idea what was happening so my mom got me one of those "What's happening to my body" book for boys, and I guess it came in a pack because there was also the girl version, which of course I would always secretly sneak away to read then hide it under my bed. Around the time my grandma died, when I was close to 13 I remember everynight praying to be turned into, just for a day, a girl, and because God could do anything I kept praying. But nothing ever happened of course, and my grandma died, so my faith in God hasn't really recovered yet. In the early 90's talk shows were everywhere and a common guests were the transsexuals and I probably watched too many of them but every time one would come on I would marvel about how pretty some were and wanted to be some of them, though I just wanted to be a normal girl and not necessarily have to go on television because of it. A few more anecdotes; the first orgasm I ever had was reading a transsexual erotica story about a boy dressing as his sister for her wedding and of course I had no idea what happened when It happened, but yeah I had the internet and I would constantly be on transgendered related sites and looking for information, since I was about 12. Michelle's Midday Break was my favorite. Then when I was 14 my mom and I went to Chicago for her sorority convention and I remember going to the Victoria's Secret on Michigan Avenue and buying a bra, panty and garter set and felt incredible awkward as the attendant tried and failed to hide her giggling but a more matronly saleswomen was talking to me about control tops. My mom found these clothes; she had begun a habit of snooping around, and told my pediatrician, who was a pretty close family friend, who upon seeing me for an appointment asked me if I was having sex and when I replied no, asked me when I did in the future would it be with boys or girls I replied sheepishly girls; I knew the consequences of saying boys, but after my mom being so open when I came out I sort of really wished I had the courage to tell her the truth back then. I could say I missed ten years of my life but I wasn't ready and had no idea how to handle it. And plus, I still have plenty of time and things worked out for the best. (yeah I know that was long and at certain times had no narrative form, but I think I did it more for me and once I started writing more and more memories came back and some even shocked me.There was definitely TMI. Okay this has been really long; I'll do my teenage years later, or maybe my theories on "causes" who knows- I'll probably forget.)
this was easily the least painful and shortest amount of time I ever spent doing this. sweet.

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Your Stuck in my Head Song of the Day

I remember when I was young and Garbage first made it big. I decided then that if I were in a punk or hard rock band that the name would definitely be sewage. I've grown out of that phase, I think, but I still kind of have a soft spot in my heart for Garbage and that really kick ass Shirley Manson of the mid to late 90s ( i think i may be gay for girls with red hair) Anyway I first discovered this song through one of Christine Daniels' "postmodern girl" mixes , or maybe I didn't but I know it was mentioned there and the author suggested how it was being sung about a trans kid (which it sort of was, being inspired by the faux j.t. leroy) something you can easily pick up from the lyrics

She gave you everything she had
But she was young and dumb
She'd just turned twenty-one
She didn't care to hang around
So when the shit came down
Why she was nowhere to be found
This life can turn a good girl bad
She was the sweetest thing
That you had ever seen

You're such a delicate boy
In the hysterical realm
Of an emotional landslide
In physical terms

With your cherry lips and golden curls
You could make grown men gasp
When you'd go walking past them
In your hot pants and high heels
They could not believe
That such a body was for real
It seemed like rainbows would appear
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear
Because you looked just like a girl
Your baby blues would flash
And suddenly a spell was cast

You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance

Go Baby Go Go
We're right behind you
Go baby Go Go
Yeah we're looking at you
Go baby Go Go
Aw we're right behind you
Go Baby
Go Baby
Yeah we're looking at you
Go

oh and it's a incredible fun and fabulously song to strut to ;)
yeah and I know it's kind of poppy and upbeat, especially for a monday but it has actually been in my head since i woke up this morning, and plus I'm trying to be a little happier right now and I didn't think anyone wanted to hear any Partridge Family so here it is Your Stuck in My Head Song of the Day: Garbage's Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)

Garbage- Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!) [mp3] buy beautifulgarbage

ugh i really don't wanna wake up tomorrow...

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It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere- Rainbow Bright Edition

An hour and a half ago I forgot that I do these things and so I had no idea what should be my inspiration for a drink of the week. But then I checked my e-mail and apparently I'm still on some Duke listservs one of them sent out to remind everyone that this weekend is N.C. Pride weekend , which is kind of a big deal for many reasons not least of which it culminates with a parade and gathering on East Campus. So I took that as my motivation and stealing a LGBT symbol I decided to focus and find "rainbow" themed drinks. Enjoy (and you don't have to be gay to enjoy them either- alcohol is alcohol y'know)


Rainbow Cocktail

1/2 part Vodka
1/2 part Aftershock® (blue)
1/2 part Aftershock® (red)
1/2 part Banana liqueur
1/2 part Blue curaçao
1/2 part Crème de menthe (green)
top up Soda water
1/2 Lemonade
Lemon slice
2 tablespoons Sour mix
Ice (crushed)
Blue cocktail cherry
Lime slice

Directions:
packed crushed ice, add all ingredients, add lemonade, add soda, add sours
garnish


Over the Rainbow
2 oz rum (spiced)
1 oz orange curacao liqueur
2 scoops rainbow sherbert
4 slices peeled peaches
2 strawberries

Combine all ingredients with one cup of crushed ice in a blender. Blend until smooth, and pour into a parfait glass. Garnish with a strawberry and a slice of peach, and serve.

Rainbow Brew
1 oz Malibu® coconut rum
1 oz triple sec
1 oz pineapple juice
1 oz orange juice
1 1/2 oz vodka
4 oz cranberry juice
2 splashes peach schnapps

Pour slowly into a hurricane glass, in order.



Rainbow Brite
1 oz gin
2 oz tonic water
1 scoop sherbet

Mix the gin and tonic, then add the sherbert. It should foam up in a rainbow like a root beer float.

Rainbow Orgy
1/2 oz Midori® melon liqueur
1/2 oz strawberry liqueur
1/2 oz banana liqueur
4 1/2 oz orange juice

Pour the Midori melon liqueur, strawberry liqueur and banana liqueur into a cocktail shaker one-third filled with ice cubes. Shake well, and pour entire contents into a highball glass. Top with orange juice, and serve.


Rainbow Road
1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz lemon liqueur
5 oz lemon-lime mix
1 splash Blue Curacao liqueur
1 splash melon liqueur
1 splash grenadine syrup

Shake the first three ingredients and pour into a lowball glass filled with cracked ice. On the left side add the splash of grenadine, in middle the splash of blue curacao and on the right side add the melon liqueur. Garnish with a cherry and a slice of lime.

Rainbow Punch
3 Shots Orange Juice
3 Shots Pineapple Juice
1 Large Dash De Kuyper Grenadine
1 Large Dash Soda
0.5 Shot Lime Juice
0.5 Shot Sugar Syrup

Shake all the ingredients except the soda water together and strain into a sling glass half filled with ice cubes. Top up with soda water.

Rainbow Yellow
1 oz. Chopin Vodka
1/2 oz. Navan Vanilla Liqueur (from Grand Marnier)
1 oz. pineapple juice
1/4 oz. fresh squeezed lime juice
1/4 oz. simple syrup
Directions:
Shake over ice and strain into a chilled glas

and as a bonus:
Here’s a tribute to the Original Eight Colored Rainbow Flag

This is the meaning of the colors as they were included in the flag:
hot pink - sexuality
red - life
orange - healing
yellow - sunlight
green - nature
turquoise - magic
blue - serenity
violet – spirit

Live Out Loud, y’all

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You Know What I Would Love?

If Congressional Democrats wouldn't remove the transgender protection clause from the Employment Non Discrimination Act just for the sake of political expediency. (or if there was a greater outrage from LGBT groups and the liberal democrats. and I don't think GENDA will fare any better) That would make me happy. I mean I understand about piecemeal and baby steps but (especially since it affects me) whatever happened to equality for all and doing what you really feel is right? I mean even Tim Hardaway loves gay and trans people- can't congress?

and as thanks for listening to that here is the best 9 seconds you spend today

+

dramatic chipmunk really never gets old- especially if you haven't seen it for awhile
(and here's the original source if you've never seen it)

Ah I can see these next 500 posts will be revolutionary...

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Kid Nation- Now With 11% Fewer Chickens

I seriously think I love Kid Nation too much. But it is seriously the best show even though I've stopped watching and waiting for the class struggle. Last night they were basically advised to kill some chickens for "protein"-that was the buzzword of last night and at one point a small group of them barricaded themselves in a chicken coop to prevent it. Hunger and the want of the masses won out and they didn't show the actual axe falling but they showed the chickens flapping postmortem, which if I was a kid would really have freaked me out.
I feel really bad for the green team because most of the kids I like are in that gang ( teams have mascots, gangs only have colors) Laurel, Sophia and Mike. And for the second week in a row they got stuck cleaning outhouses and drawing frozen water all the while having to cook because the Yellows are too lazy (which isn't going over well and pretty soon I'm predicting a death in Bonaza city. jk)
And I'm not excusing it or saying it's right but for the first time I could conceivably understand why those young teachers have affairs with their kids. Michael is such a leader and so grounded and so good hearted, with such a nice smile I kind of got a crush on him (or more exactly him in a few years when he's legal.) But you can tell that kid is going to go far, while Greg who was upset about not winning the gold star and vowed revenge, who's worked as a butcher and at laying down pipe all while dealing with anger issues, he's either going to be a serial killer that has a dungeon, a blue collar wife beater, or, what the hey, incredibly successful (you can't root against kids- it just wouldn't be okay)

I had intended this post to be about other shows I watched last night when i was too lazy and tired to move from bed and so....
9 o'clock was one of those times when I really missed my dvr. Dvr is one of those inventions where if you never had it you don't really understand what you're missing but once you've had it and then have to return to watching only one thing-it is simply tragic. I tried to watch "private practice" (I'm not sure if it is supposed to be capitalized but since it's based in L.A. I feel that they felt lowercase lent a cachet of chill and a relaxed vibe) because I love Kate Walsh and Addison (which is a fabulous name) and I dug it for like the first bit but then it just got kind of boring- I think the sub plot of having someone count tiles might have added to that feeling. But it does have Jonathan from LAWKI , which was seriously the best show ever, so that is amazing! Hopefully it will pick up because at a certain point last year Addison was the only one I didn't hate on Grey's Anatomy. But during watching this I was also flipping back to Gossip Girl, which is kind of growing on me, and Bionic Woman, that I wasn't to excited about originally.
Maybe it's because I don't have that nostalgia of 70s scifi shows and the word Bionic just seems kind of dumb and outdated but I didn't know why exactly they were remaking it. I'll save my full judgment until I watch it online (thank god for that) but it looked pretty cool- the only parts I didn't like were when she was running and it looked really fake and CG and the Terminator vision bit I could do without. One part that stuck with me was when she was running in the woods a girl in a car saw her and told her mother that this woman was running as fast as the car at which point her mom admonished her to stop reading so much and the kid responded "I just thought it was cool" which seemed to me a strange kind of insertion of feminist thought that "girls can run fast too" that I would hope girls of her age would already accept and not think extraordinary and that hopefully she would be involved in some sport as well. But I don't know, people are raised differently as so maybe it was cool to her* and maybe that inspired some little girl in a more traditional locale to aspire and dream, which would be the best of things.. It did kind of remind me of Jessica Alba's Dark Angel though, which means I'll probably watch at least a few more times.

And finally at 10 was Dirty Sexy Money and I must say I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I did. It has that kind of trashy voyeuristic feel of looking in at the failings and dysfunctionality of rich familys but also with a mystery, and other unforeseen revelations and the feeling that eventually the goodhearted lawyer and his nice perfect life will be corrupted by the hands of the wealthy. It has an amazing cast too-Peter Krause has always been a bit of a favorite, back to Sports Night and Donald Sutherland seems perfect for his part; he has that same look of perhaps malevolent mischief in his eyes and smile he did back when he was in the Dirty Dozen, and I enjoy Adam (i think it's Adam) Baldwin because he has that thing that all less famous siblings have where they kind of look like their star sibling, but not quite. Plus while pondering whether to run for senate he's having a secret affair with a transsexual. Speaking of, I didn't know Candis Cayne's voice was so profundo, though I guess the layout of the entrance hall where she spoke may have encouraged echoes-either way she still has a body to die for. I enjoyed the whole thing so much that I think I put it as a favorite tv show on facebook while I was watching last night- definitely a first for a first episode.

Ok and that was way longer than I had planned but whatevs ::shrugs shoulders::


(just a question- the original Bionic Woman came out in the 70s right? So I'm assuming it came about as a result of 2nd wave feminist activities and the notion that women could be ever bit as heroic as men? but did she only get this equality and empowerment after she was augmented and stopped being "purely human and a woman" and become more than that and partly bionic? Would that imply that ordinary women who didn't have however many millions of dollars worth of government technology implanted, were not possible of achieving a state of such equality? But I'm just rambling and I was just thinking out loud with no real evidence)

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Your Stuck in my Head Song(s) of the Day

Today I couldn't settle on one song that was in my head because these three were sorta of swirling around and intermingling with each other in a strange and continuous medley. I'm not sure if the musicality they share is just in my head or is evident, but whatever. here are your stuck in my head songs of the day "Bukowski" by Modest Mouse, "Big Cheese" by Nirvana and "Beautiful Son" by Hole. ok i'll just leave it at that. kid nation is on y'know. so enjoy

Modest Mouse-Bukowski(mp3)


Nirvana- Big Cheese (mp3)

Hole- Beautiful Son (mp3)
You look good in my dress
I'll get your friends to clean the mess
You look good in my clothes
I can feel you where the doctor goes

My beautiful son
Yeah...I know

He had ribbons in his hair
And lipstick was everywhere
You look good in my dress
You look good in my dress

You're barren like me
You're barren

My beautiful son

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Weekend Bonus! More Random Dreams with Inappropriate People

Today I think I've really crossed some sort of gender divide- spending a fall weekend watching an Ugly Betty marathon instead of football? I don't think I would have done this, this time last year.

Anyway, in an attempt to not have the readership of this blog drop so dramatically on the weekends, and because I felt the urge, I decided to do a few posts where I write things that wouldn't fit into my weekday schedule, or things I've been slacking off on doing. Weekends will be like Special Features.

LAst night was an incredibly weird night, I'm not sure if it was something I drank before I went to bed, me passing out so early or maybe it was the rain outside, but my dreams were incredibly vivid and confusing and awkward and sooo of course I thought I'd write what I can remember about them here. I took notes early to help me along (and yes once again I am a dork)

Dee, who I had another random and completely inappropriate dream about, and I were on set watching some thing being filmed. She put her arm around me and said something like "i'm so happy you're here- your my best friend" I remember she was wearing the same pigtails, and heavy black eyeliner that she had in her facebook picture. I told herI wasn't her best friend just a good friend. It was really just a comfortable feeling moment and then I don't know how it happened but we started hooking up on a carpet on set, while production of I think like an SNL type show was still going on. It was really awkward and fumbly (I think she was the top though I don't think that would be possible; even in my dreams I don't understand the mechanics or dynamics of MTF tranny on tranny sex. Kind of like those couple of times in real life) and messy and very wet. We stopped because one of the bars in my braces had broken, though I haven't worn braces in like 8 years, and Dee looked really upset and dissappointed and shied away from looking at me and I felt really ashamed for letting her down. I then left down a set of stairs that you see like in office buildings. Later on I was at a grocery store, one of those grocery stores where the produce and bread sections have nice wooden floors and better lighting and some guy, that I felt I knew, came up and called me a bitch. I asked him why and he said he saw me when I was running away on the stairs but I ignored him. I tried to apologize profusely and explain to him that I didn't not want to see him and I wouldn't have just ignored him but that as I was on the stairs "Arnett" was called (I don't remember if someone called out to me Arnett or if Arnett called me) and I was invited to like a party.

At was at this point that I guessed I was coming out of deep sleep because I could hear my neighbors being really loud which kept me awake as I was trying to desperately go back to sleep and get back into that dream so I could make it up to Dee. It didn't work. As I fell back asleep...

It was a wooden staircase of very rich and dark wood and underneath it was a little cubby hole. On the underside of the staircase was a little door. As you opened the door you found yourself floating in a blue sky with trees and meadows beneath you. floating as if you were being carried by balloons. Like you were falling into this hole and you fell into the sky. But I couldn't land like everyone else could so easily and I was trying and they ( I guess the people I had seen land earlier) were in my voice trying to tell me to land and I just couldn't do it.

The next scene I was on a sidewalk in the downtown of some major city with a lot of skyscrapers and buildings with glass fronts, where there was in the street corner, instead of a street light, a rather large stationary camera and as I was running down the street the camera rotated its gaze and followed me everywhere I went and with it's dark center it looked like an eye and was really creepy.

The next thing I remember is playing football in like a backyard, but it was kind of a junkyard because there were a couple of old cars, and I think I was playing (or maybe just watching) this game and I think the players were all pros because I remember Asante Samuels being involved. Anyway at some point a ball went into a black window of one of the cars but everyone was scared to go in and get it because there was a really big dog, but the dog came out and started chasing people around but then it morphed into a big scary looking guy who felt really sleazy and I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

At that point I don't remember anything more.

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Let's Call it TransTastic Thursday

and since it is Transtastic Thursday I decided to try this. ( A quick side bar: Once again looking at this video I can't honestly believe Chris Crocker is a top. If he is I would love to see who he's topping. Bless his leopard skinned heart)

Anyway I've been thinking a lot about having a post about Jimmy Santiago Baca and his Transvestite Poems but I didn't actually know when I would fit it in. But seeing how today is TMI Thursday and I have nothing really good for TMI tonight (seriously I know it's a "must read" but tonight's is going to really suck unless I get very inspired/drunk, so you can skip it) I decided to post it today. From an outsider perspective it actually has a lot of the emotions and desires and thoughts that I'm sure many (other) transgendered people feel. I don't know how I stumbled upon it anymore, but that isn't really important
I tried to find the text of these poems somewhere online but I couldn't so I tried to transcribe them as best as I could- the line breaks/ capitalization and punctuation are all mine. (but if you do know where I could find a more accurate text, or know of a place where I screwed up in transcription, please let me know- I won't be too upset, besides maybe at my incompetence and the fact I spent like an hour doing this for nothing) Either way I hope you enjoy them:

Transvestite Poem #1
I come out of the South
from the Darkness
Where Death Ferments
seeping from limbs
moistening what is Hard and Cold and
Alone at Night
I Say “I come from the South”
Out of the Darkness
like A Dream
a Storm beneath my Flesh
Two Faces
Two Bodies
A Hybrid Flower.
of Honey and Poison.
Half Moon Half Sun
Intoxicated on Fragrances
Stinking of Sweat
Smooth and Rough
Bearded and Hairless
with Penis and Vagina
Two Mouths Constantly Quarreling
Two Tongues
Twenty Fingers, Twenty Toes
In constant Conflict
There are Two of us
That were Blurred at birth
By some cruel
god.
always Alone.
Out of the Dark
like an extinct animal I appear.
My Body a cave I look
Out from.
With red eyes, sharp teeth.
I can easily kill. As surrender
I can Kiss or Bite
I can Smile or Snarl
Because I am made of Two!
I am opposite and similar
I am a Field of yellow flowers that I saw as a child
and I am a field of Cactus I now stumble through

Jimmy Santiago Baca- Transvestite Poem #1 (mp3)

Transvestite Poem #2
You do not understand
How much Pain
I am in.
You see, Memories of myself
As a Boy
Confused by being so Different
than other Boys
That Shame
Gutted Me
Created in Me a Dark Hole where
Each day I go to and Die in.
While other childrens’ lives were played in Parks
I crouched behind the headstone in the cemetery
And I used to weep my shame.
And while other boys watched TV or played ball
hung out on couches
I was drawn to dance on the Broken alley crates
Where lecherous Men and Women seduced me
And I survived my Two-Sexed.
Divined disease.
Deceiving Friends and drug Fiends,
Lying in bed with an Innocent lover
My sheets become Vile Plumage where I gorge on his Love
with vultured Hunger.
Aesthetic Pilgrim
whose shrine is the male Body.
Male Sighing. I love so much after he cums.
Male gripping Me
Male pounding Me
Male kisses- Rough, Horrible
Filled with Pain
Pain. Pleasure of Men’s Passion
as they Pillage Me
Open Me
Adore Me
Honor Me
Devour Me,
In their Hatred and their Love!
And then the dream is over.
It’s Gone!
And seeing my face stubbled, Ugly lookin’ again
In the mirror
Studying with Contempt My manly features
As if from a Grave that I just woke Up from.
Yearnin’ for the night to come,
when I’ll sing sweetly to Charm the Men’s
Lewd Attention and lure the Cobra from the Basket
to my Music.
Not the reflection in the Mirror this morning are they going to see.
Not Me plucking these eyes
nor the wrinkles on My face
but opening My compact, mascara
pulling out My eyeliners
My tweezers
The Mirror will begin to Open and talk to Me.
Like a Dark Curtain for an Actress suddenly to appear.
I transform into a Young, Sensuous Woman,
My lemony breasts of both dizzying Delight
Yes obsessed with
Flesh
With My Lust
With My Body
With the curved Wings
Of My Thighs
My Hips
My Legs
As floating across Their Hearts like Quetzal birds
in the Jungle,
filled with voodoo omens of sexual Fulfillment.
Thrones and Furs is what I Desire.
Down filled Beds and Comforters
Popular
Sought after
that even Flamenco guitarists wail their lust for Me.
Walking under the Peach trees through the flower Gardens
I forget the backseat cars as a sweaty whore
Turning tricks for American service mens’ twenty-dollar bills.
I open My legs to the Moon
Rings on each of My fingers
“Call Me you’re witch
as I kiss you as I strip My clothes off.
Make this night for Me,
Please!
For You
Please!
As if We were both Falling
Falling into a World Filled with happiness
for just That long
And not Us as we are
looking for Love
For a Man to Love Me
to Love You
to Love Me
Just This Night
For me
For You
As if we were both
Falling.

Jimmy Santiago Baca- Transvestite Poem # 2 (mp3)


Yeah I can relate. Ok just for you all I'll try to think of something worthy for TMI (and I'll also try to come up with a Stuck in My Head song- I suck today.) If not I may slack off and post something from the "early days" of this here blog. We'll see how everything works out.

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TMI: The Weight of Expectations

I'm really glad that my crisis of confidence didn't fall closer to a Thursday because otherwise this would be a lot darker and probably less thoughtful ( though I have no doubt my Suicide is Painless TMI will come soon.) (and this is actually a midnight transmission, at least for you west of the ohio and other parts of the world)
But this is what will do for tonight and, it being the first Thursday of the month and so writing to Hubby ( which was really hard today maybe because I was trying to respond to her letter philosophically about how in life things fade away and it is not only perfectly acceptable but kind of to be desired, while the whole time I was agreeing with some points but not ever wanting her to fade away from me, or vice versa)- the whole time I was writing though I was thinking about something she told me, which I of course took to heart; that I'm an amazing writer, and each of my letters so far has been perfect. And so I don't want to let her down with a subpar letter, even if I have nothing to say. Especially not for her. I personally think I'm a pretty good writer, though reading this you would probably have no idea, and I'm pretty sure that skill is the only reason I actually got a diploma but when someone you really care about, and that you actually wanna make happy and impress says that it ups the ante. Expectations always fuck me up because, I guess it's my lack of self confidence but I always feel I'm not actually that good, that people are just being nice, and that I will end up disappointing them in the end. And there have alwasy been expectations which have pretty much run my life. For example, my grandfather started a church and so my mom really expects me to become Pastor when I'm older, though I have been a vocal and avowed Non-Christian for like 6 years, or just, and it's hard to explain but when you're a black kid who goes to a school like Harvard-Westlake you have the pressure of not only working hard to prove you're not some scholarship case, but also fulfilling those expectations that people have of you, ebing a member of the Talented tenth or whatever; I can't count how many people predicted me being called Doctor, and now ,though I may go to grad school on the phd track just because I have no clue what to do with my life, I will feel I'll disappoint them all. It was kind of the same with football, when I used to play cornerback ( and if somehow you missed the blaring neon signs, I used to be a boy) the defensive coach constantly told me that I could cover the rain, and do I felt those expectations which kind of fucked me up and when I fucked up I could feel his disappointment, real or imagined.
In AmeriCorps things were kind of the same; I'm not sure but I think people didn't expect too much out of me or to be so me, but I would constantly surprise them ( so much so that I was called the Pretender after that millenial tv show on NBC) and when we were working at Bainbridge Elementary in Port Deposit, MD, I wasn't assigned a class like my teammates, maybe because the principal didn't like my look, though the kids in my first grade class ended up adoring me ( and they're all now like in at least the 6th grade.) I'm far better at surpassing low expectations, than reaching high ones, at least in my mind. Though of course for the longest time I have failed at the very doable expectation of keeping in touch with people. In college I didn;t feel any real pressure, because it is college and no one knows what to expect, except maybe just the heteronormative pressure and that expectation ( and anyway I thought at that point I had stopped caring what people thought about me.) Once I started coming out to friends another kind of expectation took root, that I would necessarily start associating with the queer kids ( and I like the word queer so much more than gay; maybe it's because I like q) though I had some issues with that whole scene.
But now is when I feel the expectations and the weight of such a burden. I really believe one of the reasons I started transitioning so late (I know I'm young but it's been a decade of constantly thinking about it) was the expectation that I'm sure my mom must have, that she will ahve grandchildren and that not both her boys would not be straight. And since I knew my brother was gay since I was 14 I felt for a long time that I was expected to hold up the mantle of normality and get married, to a girl, not as a girl and I really never want to disappoint my mom. I also never wanted to ruin all the dreams she had for me and the esteem in which I was held by her friends as an exceptional young black male with a limitless future. Anyway I always expected that when I started transitioning that I would no longer be the wretched melancholy person I was, and for the most part I have been happier, but of course there are dark days. More importantly though I feel the expectation to live up to what my friends expect of me (or at least what they expect of me in my own mind); I've been full time since about the time I started this blog but I feel that my life should be more glamourous and happening and exciting in order to meet their expectations of me ( I'm still really hung up on the fact that I have been called the bravest person someone has ever met, and an inspiration) though my life is exceedingly boring; I'm at home most days because I have no where to go and so I do this blog. But that's not exciting, I don't have a boyfriend or any amazing stories and so I fear calling my best friends and talking to them ( well that and the fact I really hate my voice right now) because if they knew how boring I actually am now (save the occasional dance party with my pets) they would be disappointed. I also expected that during my transition that people would do the whole double take/avert eyes thing, which they have but only after a very long look where they can deduce I wasn;t born a girl; I didn't expect as many girls to flirt with me (even when I'm "butched up" because of a depressive mood; during this times people also stare so I don't know.) But I'm laways pretty paranoid when I go out that everyone has to know and so I expect people to stare and when they sometimes don't it's quite upsetting. Myabe i just hate being wrong. There was a time when I expected to be the belle of the ball, but those were just dreams. More importantly to me current situation where I am seriously debating between hormones and makeup or foo is that I thought getting a degree from Duke would pretty much guarantee me a job (albeit the degrees are in religion and cutltural anthropology), especially inn the field I wanted, of human rights and social service. And so of course that doesn't happen and now I'm scared to apply for any job which I feel is a reach and will probably settle for something basic to pay the bills, all because of the pretty reasonable expectation that in the peace corps- it might not be the best place to transition, though it has been a dream since i was 16. And so I sit here depressed that I'm not living a glamorous exciting life for my friends, and that I'm not living a good christian hetero life for my mom, and pissed that any of my expectations for myself aren't happening, though of course I am an eternal optimist and I magically believe that when I move to San Francisco at the end of this month that I will be a belle and that my life will be urbane.
I think the fact that I hold myself to an incredibly high standard is to blame. When I was growing up I wanted to be Alexander the Great, and he conquered the world by the time he was 21, I wrote a screenplay when I was 13 but I thought it wasn't good enough. I have always aimed for perfection, to be perfect and when I can't attain that standard in something really important to me I feel like a failure and worthless. I have always wanted to be all things for my friends, and like when I can't solve their guy problems I take it as an indictment of myself. I hate the fact that I am not the most beautiful and natural girl (or at least tranny) ever ( and can scrutinize every slight departure from natural womanness to the point where I'm closing to chugging pills)My therapists, of course tells me that these expectations are unreasonable but I have a very high self confidence level, though I think I'm a piece of shit that is suffering through this life as karmic retribution. To paraphrase madame Nina I'm just a soul whose intentions are good, but I always end up misunderstood. Mostly by myself. And I know my friends love me as I am and not want or expect the world, but I feel they do and that feeling is what I think I need to surpass. And so I can only do and pledge what I always do; to be better. ::sigh::

( and because of google analytics and the fact that people may actually read this I'm kind of sad that this post isn't absolutlety stellar and amazing and didn't come out like I wanted it to., though I originally intended this site as just something where I could rant and get things off my mind without caring about the consequence, hence the original motto "we're just dancing like no one's watching")

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A Speech on What it Feels Like

This speech may be a little safe but after the disappointment of last week and fucking up Agrado's speech, I didn't want to get sad or feel worthless or let y'all down again (and technically I did already "give" a great speech this week.) It does fits my mood and current mindset more than anything else I have ready or can find easily though so that works. Plus my last two posts were really boyish- gotta restore balance.

Anyway this is from the film Cement Garden and I first heard it, as did the majority of people in thee intro to the Madonna song, "What it Feels Like for a Girl" which I was really excited about after hearing this speech included, but actually is a very pedestrian kind of bad song. Very disappointing (though the video was banned and kind of amusing). But it is a tremendous little scene and speech and one that I think is very true still, even in our "more enlightened" society. If you're a guy trying getting highlights put in wearing a flowery tank top and see how many looks you get-see you don't even need to; you know already the reaction:

"Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you"
What it feels like for a girl

Oh and get well soon Charlotte (Gainesbourg;) you have too much beauty to leave so soon.

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A Crisis of Confidence

Maybe thinking about so many of my self perceived flaws last Thursday was a bad thing and started a rather destructive pattern in my mind for the past few days or maybe it was the insane heat that left me incredibly listless and feeling useless but way too uncomfortable to do anything. Or maybe it's just because I think I'm ugly or that I can't find a job either because I'm transsexual or that somehow I'm incredibly unqualified. As awful as it would be I could deal with the former, I guess. I could always dress and look funny and hate myself and I think that would be no different from someone working at a fast food joint. But the latter would be really devastating not just for the fact my mom would've wasted well over 100k for college and it qualifies me for nothing but that it would give a sense of worthlessness and maybe I'm not so smart as I've tried to believe as a defence mechanism. Well that and the fact that the blog that some of my friends from high school made is incredible and seems so smart and professional, while I do things like whine about wanting bigger breasts and post videos of kittens sleeping.
And this malaise that I'm feeling, which this continuing heat really isn't helping, along with the fact that I think I may have to make a decision soon between hormones and food ( I love my zero-income) has left me rather depressed and in the best way I could put it, I'm in the midst of a rather large (though I've insisted to my friends it's not that bad) crisis of confidence. Of course I didn't believe that I'm anywhere smart enough to think of such a turn of phrase so I figured I must have heard it once and it must have implanted itself in my witticism and stolen poetics lobe. And I was right
It's from the famous "malaise" speech of Jimmy Carter and though that perception of "mourning in america" probably helped bring Reagan to power it is a remarkable speech, one that holds some relevance and pertinence to today's atmosphere,or at least, in my mind the second week of November 2004 when I finally accepted we had 4 more years of this administration (now I'm a lot happier because there is a light at the end of the tunnel and John Edwards will save us all) but it is also remarkable because of the honesty of it but also Carter's belief that American's are grown ups (well, not the kids) and they can be spoken to not in soundbites but in actual discussion. He was our last honest politician. Anyway here is the part of the speech that fits for today. Here is Energy and the National Goals - A Crisis of Confidence from 1979:
These ten days confirmed my belief in the decency and the strength and the wisdom of the American people, but it also bore out some of my longstanding concerns about our nation’s underlying problems.

I know, of course, being President, that government actions and legislation can be very important. That’s why I’ve worked hard to put my campaign promises into law, and I have to admit, with just mixed success. But after listening to the American people, I have been reminded again that all the legislation in the world can’t fix what’s wrong with America. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than energy or inflation. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to American democracy.

I do not mean our political and civil liberties. They will endure. And I do not refer to the outward strength of America, a nation that is at peace tonight everywhere in the world, with unmatched economic power and military might.

The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways.

It is a crisis of confidence.

It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our national will. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our nation.

The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America.

The confidence that we have always had as a people is not simply some romantic dream or a proverb in a dusty book that we read just on the Fourth of July. It is the idea which founded our nation and has guided our development as a people. Confidence in the future has supported everything else -- public institutions and private enterprise, our own families, and the very Constitution of the United States. Confidence has defined our course and has served as a link between generations. We’ve always believed in something called progress. We’ve always had a faith that the days of our children would be better than our own.

Our people are losing that faith, not only in government itself but in the ability as citizens to serve as the ultimate rulers and shapers of our democracy. As a people we know our past and we are proud of it. Our progress has been part of the living history of America, even the world. We always believed that we were part of a great movement of humanity itself called democracy, involved in the search for freedom; and that belief has always strengthened us in our purpose. But just as we are losing our confidence in the future, we are also beginning to close the door on our past.

In a nation that was proud of hard work, strong families, close-knit communities, and our faith in God, too many of us now tend to worship self-indulgence and consumption. Human identity is no longer defined by what one does, but by what one owns. But we’ve discovered that owning things and consuming things does not satisfy our longing for meaning. We’ve learned that piling up material goods cannot fill the emptiness of lives which have no confidence or purpose.

The symptoms of this crisis of the American spirit are all around us. For the first time in the history of our country a majority of our people believe that the next five years will be worse than the past five years. Two-thirds of our people do not even vote. The productivity of American workers is actually dropping, and the willingness of Americans to save for the future has fallen below that of all other people in the Western world.

As you know, there is a growing disrespect for government and for churches and for schools, the news media, and other institutions. This is not a message of happiness or reassurance, but it is the truth and it is a warning.

These changes did not happen overnight. They’ve come upon us gradually over the last generation, years that were filled with shocks and tragedy.

We were sure that ours was a nation of the ballot, not the bullet, until the murders of John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. We were taught that our armie were always invincible and our causes were always just, only to suffer the agony of Vietnam. We respected the Presidency as a place of honor until the shock of Watergate.

We remember when the phrase “sound as a dollar” was an expression of absolute dependability, until ten years of inflation began to shrink our dollar and our savings. We believed that our nation’s resources were limitless until 1973 when we had to face a growing dependence on foreign oil.

These wounds are still very deep. They have never been healed.

Looking for a way out of this crisis, our people have turned to the Federal Government and found it isolated from the mainstream of our nation’s life. Washington, D.C., has become an island. The gap between our citizens and our government has never been so wide. The people are looking for honest answers, not easy answers; clear leadership, not false claims and evasiveness and politics as usual.

What you see too often in Washington and elsewhere around the country is a system of government that seems incapable of action. You see a Congress twisted and pulled in every direction by hundreds of well-financed and powerful special interests.

You see every extreme position defended to the last vote, almost to the last breath by one unyielding group or another. You often see a balanced and a fair approach that demands sacrifice, a little sacrifice from everyone, abandoned like an orphan without support and without friends.

Often you see paralysis and stagnation and drift. You don’t like it, and neither do I. What can we do?

First of all, we must face the truth, and then we can change our course. We simply must have faith in each other, faith in our ability to govern ourselves, and faith in the future of this nation. Restoring that faith and that confidence to America is now the most important task we face. It is a true challenge of this generation of Americans.

One of the visitors to Camp David last week put it this way: “We’ve got to stop crying and start sweating, stop talking and start walking, stop cursing and start praying. The strength we need will not come from the White House, but from every house in America.”

We know the strength of America. We are strong. We can regain our unity. We can regain our confidence. We are the heirs of generations who survived threats much more powerful and awesome than those that challenge us now. Our fathers and mothers were strong men and women who shaped a new society during the Great Depression, who fought world wars and who carved out a new charter of peace for the world.

We ourselves are the same Americans who just ten years ago put a man on the moon. We are the generation that dedicated our society to the pursuit of human rights and equality. And we are the generation that will win the war on the energy problem and in that process, rebuild the unity and confidence of America.

We are at a turning point in our history. There are two paths to choose. One is a path I’ve warned about tonight, the path that leads to fragmentation and self-interest. Down that road lies a mistaken idea of freedom, the right to grasp for ourselves some advantage over others. That path would be one of constant conflict between narrow interests ending in chaos and immobility. It is a certain route to failure.

All the traditions of our past, all the lessons of our heritage, all the promises of our future point to another path -- the path of common purpose and the restoration of American values. That path leads to true freedom for our nation and ourselves. We can take the first steps down that path as we begin to solve our energy problem....

I’m proposing a bold conservation program to involve every state, county, and city and every average American in our energy battle. This effort will permit you to build conservation into your homes and your lives at a cost you can afford.

I ask Congress to give me authority for mandatory conservation and for standby gasoline rationing. To further conserve energy, I’m proposing tonight an extra ten billion dollars over the next decade to strengthen our public transportation systems. And I’m asking you for your good and for your nation’s security to take no unnecessary trips, to use carpools or public transportation whenever you can, to park your car one extra day per week, to obey the speed limit, and to set your thermostats to save fuel. Every act of energy conservation like this is more than just common sense, I tell you it is an act of patriotism.

Our nation must be fair to the poorest among us, so we will increase aid to needy Americans to cope with rising energy prices. We often think of conservation only in terms of sacrifice. In fact, it is the most painless and immediate ways of rebuilding our nation’s strength. Every gallon of oil each one of us saves is a new form of production. It gives us more freedom, more confidence, that much more control over our own lives.

So, the solution of our energy crisis can also help us to conquer the crisis of the spirit in our country. It can rekindle our sense of unity, our confidence in the future, and give our nation and all of us individually a new sense of purpose.

You know we can do it. We have the natural resources. We have more oil in our shale alone than several Saudi Arabias. We have more coal than any nation on earth. We have the world’s highest level of technology. We have the most skilled work force, with innovative genius, and I firmly believe that we have the national will to win this war.

I do not promise you that this struggle for freedom will be easy. I do not promise a quick way out of our nation’s problems, when the truth is that the only way out is an all-out effort. What I do promise you is that I will lead our fight, and I will enforce fairness in our struggle, and I will ensure honesty. And above all, I will act.

We can manage the short-term shortages more effectively, and we will; but there are no short-term solutions to our long-range problems. There is simply no way to avoid sacrifice.

Twelve hours from now I will speak again in Kansas City, to expand and to explain further our energy program. Just as the search for solutions to our energy shortages has now led us to a new awareness of our nation’s deeper problems, so our willingness to work for those solutions in energy can strengthen us to attack those deeper problems.

I will continue to travel this country, to hear the people of America. You can help me to develop a national agenda for the 1980s. I will listen; and I will act. We will act together.

These were the promises I made three years ago, and I intend to keep them.

Little by little we can and we must rebuild our confidence. We can spend until we empty our treasuries, and we may summon all the wonders of science. But we can succeed only if we tap our greatest resources -- America’s people, America’s values, and America’s confidence.

I have seen the strength of America in the inexhaustible resources of our people. In the days to come, let us renew that strength in the struggle for an energy-secure nation.

In closing, let me say this: I will do my best, but I will not do it alone. Let your voice be heard. Whenever you have a chance, say something good about our country. With God’s help and for the sake of our nation, it is time for us to join hands in America. Let us commit ourselves together to a rebirth of the American spirit. Working together with our common faith we cannot fail.

Well that ended up being longer than I thought. But it is a great speech. And I'm going to make myself feel better about myself. Maybe I'll have some ice cream.
tldr.

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