Sunday, September 23, 2007

Just in Case You Were Still Wondering...

why I was so upset on, I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday it was because of a conversation I had with one of my friends who's in Durham who still keeps track of the going ons at Duke (dear ol'.) She pointed me in the direction of a story about Sarah Marshall ( my tranny "friend" at Duke who I had a few issues with after we hooked up) Anyway she's still living on campus and though she is housed in the male hall of a dorm she petitioned the university to be allowed to use the women's restroom. everything was fine until a dad of one of the girls spoke out against it in protest and now he's appearing on the Montel Williams Show to "speak on behalf of society" and the fact that Duke parents are always doing things like that.
Well that really upset me for obvious reasons but also because of the ignorance and the claim to be speaking on behalf of society. I mean even before Sarah started transitioning "he" was already more femme than a lot of the girls I know- she's not going to be lusting after anyone secretly in the bathroom.
But then I thought I should e-mail her to see how she's doing, because though I didn't live in a dorm after sophomore year and so I didn't have to deal with such shit, but y'know being a transsexual friend I thought it was kind of a responsibility, to offer support. But I thought that would be kind of awkward- a month or so ago when she reappeared on faceboook she friended me and before I accepted I wrote her an email

Hey, it's good to hear from you.
I think the last time "we spoke" was the saturday after LDOC when you left a rather acidic IM to me,why I still don't understand but it added a different level of stress at that time, along with coming out to my mom, writing and researching two massive papers and the whole graduation thing and seeing really good friends for the last (or a long) time. I was confused and upset about it for a time,and, to be honest, the IM(and the subsequent SN blocking) seemed like an erratic bitchy and somewhat bipolar move, which to some extent I had come to expect but I still worried about you and tried to defend some of your actions to my friends. I had meant to write an e-mail to you about it after the fact but I had much to do and I didn't want it to be writ in the heat of emotions. but I'm a strong believer in bygones. I just wanted to let you know circumstances and situations and feelings I had on the subject and where I stood, in an attempt at honesty and to clear the air about certain things. The way things end really can pollute our perceptions and views.
But enough negativity:
I've thought of you off and on during this summer, wondering how you were doing, and I'm happy to see you're back at Duke. Since you are in Craven (and you were quite worried about being able to come back I assume that your parents took the "coming out" (I dislike that phrase) well (?) If they did that makes me glad. I'm also happy that you seem to be so happy and truly enjoying life; it truly is a beautiful and wondrous thing

i sent it to a few e-mail accounts that I though kind of have been associated with her and none bounced back, but she didn't respond so I didn't know if things were now "cool" between us or what- it's kind of a limbo. I realize another reason I didn't write her recently was something in the article about a 'transsexual student awaiting [srs]' and I freaked out and got kind of jealous that somehow she'd "get it" before me and that once again I'm killing time and treading water (before I realized that such phrasing is incredibly vague and doesn't necessarily mean the surgery is imminent) but I was also jealous in that she was the subject of notoriety and kind of a prominent role, I guess. (i am incredibly insecure and jealous sometimes- i admit this.)

But then I read this earlier article about how the bathroom program was only a temporary thing and lasted a weekend and once there was a complaint Sarah (not Plain, but Tall) was moved, which was a relief because there are quite a few dorm rooms on campus with private bathrooms ( some of my guy friends had them and they weren't trans- just lazy and lucky with room picks) and I figured that the whole situation wasn't that big a deal but me being me I took other's supposed stress and tried to solve problems that weren't really there.
I know I didn't explain that like I wanted to but I've been meaning to write about it and that's what came out. I must admit though I am very happy I don't have to live with dormlife- there are benefits to being a "grown-up."

That being said I really wish I was back at Duke if only for the fact Regina Spektor is coming for a concert in November- green with envy I am.

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