TMI: Home, Sick (of It)

Yeah I think I may have something for this after all, though it probably sucks, but if you stick around to the end I promise you a treat, so there's always that. Anyway...

I don't think I've ever had a"home" that almost mythical place of unconditional love and acceptance, openness and sunshine. As I mentioned before on another of these posts I don't get along with my brother at all, I get nervous and kind of queasy whenever he comes over and I try to avoid him, and with my mom even after coming out to her I still don't feel I can tell her everything or be open about a lot of things, or ask for her help in certain regards. But I don't need to go too much more in depth on that subject- I feel I rambled enough about it in Family Ties. I think I want to talk more about locality and that idea of being a constant stranger/nomad wanderer. I loved my old house, as I'm sure everyone has fond memories of the house of their youth, not just for the house itself but because of its location and the things to do around it. When I had to move at 14 to take care of my grandfather I think that really dissolved any idea of innocence or permanence that I had- I mean moving especially when you're young and unwilling must be traumatic and I was still an emotional wreck over my grandmother dying so that didn't make the transition any easier, but to move to someplace farther from where any of your friends are or would venture to creates a profound sense of isolation and disconnection. (and if you're actually reading this I think you might be able to tell I'm not drunk.) For about 4 years it was just me and my mom alone in a big house I hated. Alone until my brother would come and change anything and basically neglect until dying anything I planted pretty much erasing any individual claim I had to a house he never lived in. It was as if my sense of place and any contributions I was willing to make were disregarded or deemed not good enough.
Which was probably why AmeriCorps was the best thing ever for me- there I didn't have any baggage of who I was in my family and what I did was always respected (because not to be cocky but it was always rather sweet.) But AmeriCorps was also the best thing for me because of the travel that is such a key part of NCCC. Every two months we would move to a new location in a different state, we basically lived out of suitcases and in such a way I didn't attach myself to any one place rather everywhere I was, was my home. And I always lived the times in our 15 passenger van as we were traveling from site to site because, I know it sounds cliche but I always loved the journey and hated the destination. I mean at the end of the road there was a chance for disappointment and for things to go wrong, but as you are on the road you still have all the hopes and dreams and desires for the destination and all of them are real because they have not yet been proven otherwise. Traveling also cleared my mind a lot. There was a weekend, maybe Labor Day when I was going through a tiny breakdown (feeling like a failure and like I was crumbling under pressure) but I just hoped on trains with a backpack and went as far east as I could over a 4 day weekend, sleeping in random hotels I'd find after getting off on random stops and it was such a beautiful time for reflection. For a long time after AmeriCorp I couldn't stay in one place for longer than 2 months without getting more antsy and needing to indulge my wanderlust more than usual.
That feeling continued during college but I never felt a need to travel home during like fall or thanksgiving breaks partly because it was expensive and seemed dumb to fly home for a few days, but also because there was nothing waiting for me there. No friends, most have moved away and especially now I don't feel I have the strength to go through the whole coming out and explaining emotional process that it always is, and I don't want to worry about rejection, which has maybe been why my last few months, since graduation have been rather horrible. Or maybe it's just I like my mom and family to be in a place where I can not answer their phone calls and that be the end of the discussion.
But Finding a job has been hell because I felt many sectors were limited by yada yada transsexuality and also trying to find a job where I didn't have to be a boy. But I've not been able to hang out with any of my friends from high school who I haven't seen in 6 years because I haven't really kept in touch and the whole "Tada!" thing is probably best saved for the reunions. And I really hate going out by myself- I need that buffer and that support that only my real friends who are thousands of miles away can provide.
Also as I've tried probably unsuccessfully to articulate there is a feeling about home. When the semesters were winding down I would always get excited about going back to "L.A." but it was always the idea of "L.A." and not my reality that I wasn't excited about going home but rather getting away from the drama of school. In my reality of L.A. it's always just my mom, who will probably never fully accept me and will always call me by what she named me, "showing" off her Duke graduate "son" and so of course I have to be a boy in those situations because I don't want to cause her any more trouble, which inevitability leads to me being uncomfortable when my mom's friends try to set me up with their daughters. Or I must go to places where people have known me since I was born and expect me to always be the same and especially not to have sprouted breasts. I really feel as long as I am here I am confined by my past, maybe that what "home" means a return to the past, a comfort level in things not changing, but that has always been completely against everything I am or stand for. And L.A. is like that mythical place where people come to start again and reinvent themselves but for me I don't feel like I can do that. I totally can not live up to everyone's expectations of what I should be. I refuse to get a job here just because I feel I'd be kind of infantilized or stuck in a place with a past I would rather not revisit.
That is why I'm moving to San Fran just because I need a place that has no prior idea of "me" that is an clean slate for me to write my future upon. A fresh slate in every way. I'm changing my sex, I guess it should be no big thing to change cities. In a way it's kind of appropriate. I mean I don't have a place to actually live yet but I've always done better on the fly kind of on the edge of disaster. I'm not that worried- things have somehow always worked out for me when I've need them to. But really anything is better than here- I'm not so slowly or subtly going insane here.

Once again I have no idea if that made any sense or conveyed what I was trying to but as thanks for sticking around or skipping ahead, whatever, here's a treat:
Gil Scott Heron- Home is Where the Hatred Is (mp3)
Lisa Loeb- I Wish (mp3)
The Vines- Homesick (mp3)

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