Sunday Confessional; Coming is Going

Just a warning; this post contains WTMI (way too much information)
One of the main reasons I started transition so late (it's all relative I know) was because in all my research over the past ten years I knew that the hormones will, necessarily, make you sterile. I love kids and always have, and always decided that I would be an amazing parent (no matter what gender) and as I have gotten to the age where many of my friends are in long term relationships/ married and having kids, or probably because of the amount of estrogen in my body, I've been thinking about kids and babies a lot. Like incredibly often (as you can probably tell by this blog and the sheer number of babies that are mentioned). I tried looking at storing some "dna" for the future but the costs seemed too high, especially for a college senior with no job prospect and a mountain range of debt, so I decided to take the bullet for the good of me, overall.
At the start of transition that was a huge milestone event for me. Around the end of February I realized that I hadn't masturbated or had an urge to since basically the end of December. A friend (and I use that term quite loosely) who was transitioning as well told me about how she had issues masturbating, so I wanted to see what was up (pun kind of intended) So I did it and it took a lot longer than normal and when I came (hate that word) it had about a tenth of hte volume as normal. My history with orgasming (or cumming, whatever) is kind of weird. The first time it happened I was reading some erotica about a transsexual bride ( I was 14, I think it was called The Replacement Bride or something) and when stuff started coming out I had no idea what was happening ( my dad left when I was 6 and my brother and I don't talk really.) I was a "normal" teenage "boy" and so yada yada, but too many of the times I wish I didn't have to do it, because much of the time it seemed more like a bodily necessity, like going to the restroom than a pleasurable act, and other times I was quite disgusted with the whole thing. I could go for 6 weeks at a time; my sex drive has never been too high.
Time passes. Through very random circumstances I ended up being a top (with two transsexuals, oddly enough) and both times it was quite akward, I didn't want to do it and so I never came close to coming (ugh). More Time passes again and now its late March, I guess. I have very little sex drive, erections have become a foreign word basically and when I did masturbate I guess it had become tantric, because the orgasm was there,but...nothing else was. But I haven't really had any sexual thoughts at all lately so it hasn't been a problem. I had been told/warned that after 6 months a lot of the changes become permanent, sterility being one of them. I'm pretty sure I reached that point a month or two ago, and its not like I can have a sperm count test- I haven't seen any of my own sperm in months. The "boys" have shrunk (thank god- the girls are growing) and so I am the last of my family (besides my brother, and I really don't care about my family name.)
That has been and will probably be one of my only and main regrets. I've always wanted kids, for kind of selfish and arrogant reasons. I always wanted to see what my genes would produce, and how amazing they could be with my nurturing. At times I thought that was just kind of a masculine trait but I still can't shake it. And I know adoption is out there, and there are a ton of kids who need homes, but I wonder if I would be able to love them the same, or would I always be embittered that they are not my blood, or whatever. Plus I have no idea what kind of state or agency allows "people like me", to adopt. I thought I was used to being a marginalized member of society, I am black, but not being able to adopt will really piss me off. And this is one thing I have not told my mom. One of the only things she gets upset about, or sometimes when she's frustrated , is how she wants me to get married (to a woman I suppose) and have some grandkids and I have no idea how to tell her that I can't. (And I think I may have come out before my brother, who is gay, so this may put pressure on him to have some kid so my mom can have a genetic grandkid- she deserves one) The only thing that gives me some hope is that growing up she would always be quite upset and disappointed about kids not being adopted, and always used to talk about being a foster parent, so I may be able to cast it as a noble act. Plus as Ev always tells me "count on stem cells" and cloning could be sweet. But it still hurts and feels inadequate, like what if I am in Hubby and we actually get married, yada yada- I would love to see what our kids would look like. Too much of the time I feel like John Lithgow's character in The World According to Garp.
But since I can't have kids of my own, and they're going to look nothing like me anyway I may do the Jolie thing and try to start my own League of Nations. Then I can always claim it was part of a greater and more noble scheme. I guess giving up a future beyond me is a worthy trade for loving the life I am living in this time; I'm far more happy than sad and as for the future que sera, sera. And all that jazz. ::sigh::

[post # 100, woo!]

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