Sunday, October 7, 2007

Pandering to Hold Out States

So as I was studying Google analytics I was kind of surprised that not every state has sent someone to this site- there are still six hold out: Idaho, (I think) Wyoming, North Dakota, Arkansas. Delaware and Vermont- and so I decided in order to fill out the map to try to be the new source for North Idaomanwaront. I mean they even love me in Syria (p.s. سيكون البراغيث على الكلب قريبا ميّتة غير أنّ لا دون حمام. سيكون الماء قريبا يتأهّب) So on with the obvious and shameless attempts to get new fans in new states by writing about things I have no knowledge or idea about:

Idaho- Home of my favorite gay senator but also other things. I was actually pretty good friends with two guys from Idaho at Duke, one who is from Emmett, went to Parma High School and worked on a cattle show farm (or something like that) and the other from Eagle High. But in other news I am actually shocked that a grizzly was shot and killed near Priest Lake just because it would stand its ground when a human came near. Isn't that the American Way and the way of the West to not back down? For shame, I blame Gov. Butch Otter, maybe if he wasn't galavanting all over Red China he'd know what it means to be an American and work on getting the the family doctors that Idaho needs-Idaho has the fewest doctors per capita of any state in the nation, with just 169 per 100,000 residents. And making women remove their bras before entering a courthouse, even if it does somehow set off the metal detector seems like poor form. no matter, Go Broncos! And Free Lil' Wayne!- the one time a black guy goes to Idaho he gets arrested. I'm just sayin' y'know Mark Fuhrman retired there...

Wyoming-I agree that the Mount Carmel youth ranch should be investigated and anyone who says otherwise is complicit in the abuses taking place there. And I can't believe Casper College beat Central Wyoming in volleyball. I mean Casper sucks and even they know it. And maybe if the intersection by Division just south of 33rd street had more adequate safety precautions (or lighting or something) we wouldn't have such horrific accidents as this. Go Cowboys!

North Dakota- I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Chuck Klosterman is the most distinguished University of North Dakota alum that I can think of. but if Lorriane Thompson keeps having games like she's been having, including 2 goals against IPFW she'll make her name as a North Dakota State legend. And is it just more or does anyone else see a relation between the number of vehicle deer collisions being more likely in these last three months of the year, 2 more people being killed in car accidents, the number of deer starting to level off and the UND Indian Services director calling the nickname policy unfair? I mean you don't want to piss of Native Americans everyone knows how much havoc and ruin can be brought by building on Indian graveyards but imagine what power live Native Americans could have, especially as they gather at the Crazy Horse Memorial for the Native America Day events which would be cool to go to. The story of that Monument is amazing- a lot more compelling than Mount Rushmore (oh those are in South Dakota right?)

Arkansas- The story of John McLendon of Monticello kind of getting revenge for a 4 foot alligator biting his friend, by killing a 12 foot alligator probably would have been more interesting if it was the same alligator all grown up. But i guess it is still a feat, I know I would have fled in terror at the mere sight of either. I'm not big on hunting but I'm calling on all hunters and boaters or whoever to do their part and help battle the spread of zebra mussels in Bulls Shoal Lake. Contrary to what Otis Kirk says 20 oral commitments to the Razorback football team is the end of the world, especially considering the fact I see no 5 star game breakers which we'll need when Darren mcfadden goes pro. I think this is another indication that Houston Nutt (hehe) is not the recruiter he was once rumoured to be and so he needs to go. Better now than later. And Mike Huckabee, who I hate because he's conservative but enjoy because his last name is Huckabee and he doesn't seem that angry, looked really weird when he was fat, like he was only wearing a fat suit (and his dramatic weight loss was faked and all part of an elaborate campaign strategy. That would be genius)

Delaware- Um has no sales tax.
"Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine, being able to be magically whisked away to... Delaware.
Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in Delaware."
j/k I actually like Delaware and actually applied to be a Blue Hen (before I reconsidered) which would have sucked this weekend, losing to New Hampshire and all and so I feel a connection and am in favor of the Rehoboth Beach turbine program because even if it ruins the aesthetics it is better for everyone in the long run- like Joe Biden becoming president. And something really needs to be done about US 113, I mean can't a man walk in a traffic lane at 1 in the morning in a dense fog without fear of getting hit by two cars? Did I mention it has no sales tax (or at least it didn't once upon a glorious time)

Vermont- As I said before I was actually shocked that no one from Vermont has been on this site because it actually is one of my favorite states. I really wanna move up there and run a record store/book store/coffee shop, when I'm like 50 and have my hair in long braids and a small part of me wants to go there now and work for Outright Vermont (but probably not) I remember going there once and staying with a few AmeriCorps friends who were at Goodard college and we saw the first Kill Bill in the theater in downtown Montpelier. And so in honor of my favorite New England state, and their amazing and simple license plates here is the 802 rap which I first heard about through this article in the times.
C$ and Run Rhyme with 802

I wonder if they're going to UVM- i mean they better. Catamounts are the shit (you can watch their women's hockey play against Sacred Heart here)

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