Thursday, January 31, 2008

Fun with Racism: The Racist Onion

doesn't like to be browned.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while but today’s offering from The ONN seemed like a sign.
Because really nobody does racism more hilariously than the Onion

Today’s video that reminded me of this deal was
Live From Congress: Representative Wants To Rid Congress Of Gang Members
Congressman Porter (R-IN) urges immediate action against the gang members that have infiltrated our neighborhoods, our schools, and even the Capitol.

Live From Congress: Representative Wants To Rid Congress Of Gang Members

which reminded me of a recent report
Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East
The State Department releases details of Rice's upcoming diplomatic journey:

Condoleezza Rice To Voyage East
this article I saved for this occasion:
I Can’t Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies

Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her fingernails across a chalkboard. For others, it's when Jews don't signal before making a turn. Me? I can't stand it when Jews talk during movies!

Last Friday, I knocked off early from work and headed to the multiplex to catch The Pacifier. Sure enough, as soon as the lights go out, a pack of Jews waltzes in and plunks down right in front of me! All through the first preview, they had to have a Jewish debate about where to put their coats and who should hold the Twizzlers. What's wrong with these idiots? If you want to chat, go to a coffee shop, or that Jewish community center down on Cavendish Avenue.

Where did these people learn to whisper? An Israeli helicopter?

I sure didn't pay $10 to listen to a group of twits talk back to the screen like those obnoxious Jewish robots from Mystery Science Theater 3000! And apparently, "God's chosen people" weren't selected based on their ability to follow plotlines. No wonder they wandered the desert for so many years—they can't even watch a Vin Diesel movie without getting lost.

It would help if management took stronger action against this total lack of regard. A sign saying, "Jews: Kindly refrain from talking during the film" couldn't hurt. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. That theater was as loud as an Elders of Zion meeting. Is it asking too much to expect a little courtesy from your fellow moviegoers? I guess some people just weren't raised gentile.

Look, I enjoy eating popcorn while taking in a flick, but at least I have the presence of mind to keep my munching to a conscientious level. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who wasn't raised in a barn where special precautions are taken to slaughter livestock in accordance with Jewish laws and traditions.

If you can keep kosher, why can't you keep quiet?

And how many times can these descendants of Abraham possibly need to use the washroom? If you have to go that often, sit near an aisle and leave the middle seats for those of us who aren't circumcised. You guys may not believe in the doctrine of original sin, but everyone agrees that failing to turn off your cell phone before the movie starts is just plain rude! I swear, the next time a phone goes off, someone's getting a yarmulke shoved down his throat.

If there were some other way to see movies, I'd do it. I've tried renting movies, only to have the film interrupted midway through by a Jewish telemarketer or the sounds of the Jews upstairs blasting their rap music. I can only imagine what that guy with the fiddler on his roof went through. It's the Jewish year 5766, for cripes sake! It's time to learn some courtesy.

And of course this scandal
Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career
‘Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film.

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

And looking through their archives I’ve discovered this other tasty morsels of racial turmoil and triumph

A story about Anti-Racism Laws Mutate Racism Into Newer, Stronger Form that was so powerful that the Onion ran it on two separate occasions, first on November 24, 1999 and then on January 12th 2005.
At that rate soon racism will mutate into an unstoppable force; we must elect a half white president to solve and cure this scourge once and for all OR
Racial Harmony Achieved By Casting Of Black Actor As Teen Computer Whiz

BURBANK, CA—The long-standing economic, political and social divisions between blacks and whites in America at long last ended Monday with a TV producer's casting of a black actor in a bit part as a teen computer-whiz archetype.
Though racial equality had, throughout U.S. history, been seen as little more than a distant dream, TV producer Fern Blochner—co-producer of such popular daytime teen "dramedies" as Crestwood Daze and Chillin' Out In Study Hall—made that dream a reality when it came time to cast her newest series, My Home Ate My Dogwork, airing Saturday mornings on NBC.

"You wouldn't normally think a black kid would be running a high-school computer lab, but we have one doing just that," Blochner said of her show, whose uplifting and dignified portrayal of black youths in America is being widely credited for the sudden flowering of racial justice and harmony across the nation. "Our casting decision boldly defies the societal stereotype that black people are not smart enough to run high-school computer labs."

Shortly after the airing of the premiere episode of My Home Ate My Dogwork—in which the computer-whiz character is clearly visible in the background in no fewer than three separate scenes—the barriers of poverty, crime, and lack of equal access to education that have kept America's blacks at a disadvantage came crashing down.

"I'll admit, I was a bit shocked when I found out I got the part," said Darrell Goodwin, the 17-year-old actor who plays the computer whiz. "I thought to myself, 'The computer lab... run by a black kid? How could this be?' Then I realized that the casting decision deliberately defied society's racist expectations, expectations that I myself had bought into by doubting myself."

Though Blochner and her associates said they had reservations about the controversial casting decision, particularly regarding how others in the traditionally white entertainment industry would react, they held fast to their conviction that the teen computer whiz should be black.

"We were worried that institutional, internalized racism on the part of industry executives might manifest itself in the form of opposition to our casting decision," Blochner said. "But we stood our ground, and, as a result, such closed-mindedness is now a thing of the past."

Blochner said she came up with the idea to make the computer-whiz character black while doing background research for the show.

"We wanted our show to be as accurate as possible, so we spent some time at New Trier High School in the affluent Chicago suburb of Winnetka to ensure authenticity," Blochner said. "But after a few days at the school, we noticed a disturbing and unfair aspect of the upscale high school's student demographic: There were no blacks."

"We were very concerned that the high school had no black students, and that none of the students at the school had ever known any blacks, and that there were no blacks living anywhere within the neighborhoods zoned for the school," Blochner continued. "We said to ourselves, 'This is unfair!' and were determined to change reality for the better. So we decided that in our fictional version of the school, we would put in a black kid, and we'd make it seem like he's smart, too."

Noted sociologist Edwin Hull explained how the producers of My Home Ate My Dogwork were able to bring about racial equality in the U.S.

"By boldly envisioning a world in which African Americans possess the socioeconomic wherewithal not only to attend a high school like New Trier, but actually to run the computer lab therein, this television program created a 'positive media portrayal' of African Americans," Hull said. "This proactive portrayal of a positive African-American role model boosted the collective self-esteem of the nation's African-American community, thus establishing racial harmony at last."

Hull noted that this strategy was similar to the one used by the 1998 Environmental Media Awards, at which episodes of Baywatch and The X-Files featuring pro-environment themes were credited with last year's spontaneous healing of the ozone layer and the return of several dozen long-extinct species to the global ecosystem.

Appeared there an article about a Chinese Laundry Owner Blasted For Reinforcing Negative Ethnic Stereotypes

Recently Mugged Friend A Racist All Of A Sudden

CHICAGO—Ever since being mugged by a black man, 28-year-old Caucasian Mark Weisner has become a racist, friends reported Monday. "I used to be more trusting, but I learned my lesson the hard way in October," Weisner said, alluding to the mugging. "Now I'm a lot more cautious around certain types, if you know what I mean." Weisner added that he has "no problem with Asian Americans.

Affable Anti-Semite Thinks The Jews Are Doing Super Job With The Media

PLANO, TX—Henry McCullers, an affable Plano-area anti-Semite, praised the Jewish people Monday for doing "a bang-up job" running the media. "This has been such a great year for movies, and the new crop of fall TV shows looks to be one of the best in years," McCullers said. "And the cable news channels are doing a terrific job, too. Admittedly, they're not reporting on the Jewish stranglehold on world finance, but, hey, that's understandable.

Racist Merely Misspoke

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he called African-American councilman Isaac Witherspoon "a dumb, spear-chucking porch monkey" during a Mar. 10 meeting. "I can see how my remarks could have been misconstrued as offensive, but I can assure you they were not intended as such," Jeffries said. "I am sorry for any hurt I may have inadvertently caused Ike, a fine, law-abiding Negro." Jeffries then extended an olive branch to Witherspoon, inviting him and his wife to his home for "a whole mess of collard greens and cornbread.

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

LOS ANGELES—Despite occupying opposing roles in a good-cop/bad-cop dyad, LAPD officers Frank K. McGrew, 51, and Bob West, 36, have one thing in common: They're both extremely racist, 77th precinct sources reported Monday.
"Officer McGrew is the tough, no-nonsense veteran of the force who pushes you around, threatens you with 15 years behind bars, and calls you a nigger," said LeShawn Gordon, a 19-year-old recently charged with grand theft auto. "Officer Bob is the one who picks you up, gives you a cigarette, and tells you he's there to help you before calling you a nigger."

Who can forget that great moment in American history when
Racist Figurines March On Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling themselves "insulting caricatures born of bigotry" and "demeaning portrayals bearing no resemblance to actual human beings or cultures," an estimated 400,000 so-called jigaboos, pickaninnies and darky po' boys representing racist statuary from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday.

Decrying their own existence, the figurines demanded that legislators acknowledge them as "the unwanted remnants of a bygone and hateful era" and take immediate steps toward abolishing racially stereotyped imagery like themselves.

"Look at me," Uncle Ben, a desexualized, rice-peddling "Good Slave" archetype, told fellow rallygoers. "I'm nothing like a real person. Look at my coveralls, my smiling, bug-eyed expression of passivity and subjugation. Clearly, I never should have outlasted the antebellum era, yet I'm still a widely recognized pop-cultural icon. I'm so angry I could boil in just five to ten minutes."

Ben and his female counterpart Aunt Jemima, a genial, syrup-filled "Matron Servant" archetype, led the crowd in chanting slogans such as "Jockey No More" and "Hold Your Own Pony!" Jemima encouraged the crowd to resist caricatured representation of African Americans by hurling themselves from shelves and by falling over on lawns and golf courses.

"We came all the way from a kitchen cabinet in Valdosta, GA," said one pair of grinning, apron-wearing salt-and-pepper shakers. "Never again will we add zesty flavor to soups and meals for The Man."

Another protester, a straw-hatted, gap-toothed, barefoot fisherman commonly used as lawn ornamentation in rural areas, was removed by police after damaging a public birdbath. Led away by authorities amidst the cheers of supportive marchers, the statue told reporters he will go on a hunger strike until he and all images like him are smashed into tiny pieces of ceramic debris.

The march began at the Washington Monument and concluded a short distance later at the U.S. Capitol. Featured speakers at the event included not only statuary but other forms of racist iconography as well, including characters from the once-popular children's book Little Black Sambo and several maidservants from Gone With The Wind.

In a moving gesture of solidarity, Hollywood detective hero Charlie Chan and his so-called "hon'able numba' wan son," as well as cartoon mouse Speedy Gonzales, spoke on behalf of other racially and culturally stereotyped media constructs.

Also in attendance at the rally were famed Mark Twain character Nigger Jim and folk-tale trickster Br'er Rabbit, both of whom cautioned protesters about the difficulties posed by archetypes that, on the surface, appear to be racist but may simultaneously function as an anti-racist critique.

Said Jim: "In the hundred-some years since my creation, critical reappraisals have affirmed me as an enduring symbol of Twain's abolitionist sympathies. Yet these same appraisals acknowledge that my exaggerated, overly stereotypical manner of speaking is at least somewhat problematic."

The presence of Br'er Rabbit—a traditional African folk character brought to America by slaves but later distorted by a white journalist in the "Africanist" reductivism of "Uncle Remus"—angered many rallygoers. He was eventually removed by a team of socio-political literary analysts from Howard University.

The controversial rabbit later escaped by convincing his captors to throw him into a briar patch, and his current whereabouts are unknown.

The non-violent march, which D.C. police officials praised as the most orderly and well-run protest in recent memory, ended at sunset with a candlelight vigil and ceremonial bonfire of the march's many wooden participants

Or this man’s discovery that This Racist Propaganda Practically Writes Itself!

Because, let’s be honest Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver

And where would we be without the efforts of those brave members of the Republican Party Urging Minorities To Get Out And Vote On [Wednesday] Nov. 3?

What kinda hearted lovers of democracy

From the stars
Virgo August 23 - September 22

While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is born of ignorance, your claims this week that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

You realize it's an uphill battle with no guarantee of success, but if you don't silently disapprove of racism, who will?

Very true. Sad but true.

Oh fake racism-always fun. Why do you amuse me so?

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