Fun With Self Auditing

Radar, maybe last week got a hold of what is purported to be "SEC WHOLE TRACK" questionnaire, an internal church document developed Lafayette Ron Hubbard for use during "auditing" sessions and they've done us a great service in publishing some of the 343 questions.
Apparently these questions are asked while hooked up to the E-Meter, something like a polygraph machine (and wouldn't that be a fantastic "Very Special Blossom" episode of Moment of Truth?) but I'm an honest enough person so I think I'll take it right now(and of course you too can play along at home!FFtWF*!) to see if I need to start upon The Bridge.
Oh, LRH

• Have you ever enslaved a population?

um, no

• • Have you ever debased a nation's currency?

I've drawn on money but I don't think that counts

• • Have you ever killed the wrong person?

no, I'm a crack shot

• • Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?

nope

• • Have you ever been a professional critic?

Does what I'm doing now count?

• • Have you ever wiped out a family?

i usually try to leave one survivor to spread the fear and terror of my name and deeds

• • Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?

it's more of a mutual antagonism but yes

• • Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?

hahahhahahahah. what does that mean?

• • Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?

not that I am aware of

• • Have you ever made love to a dead body?

gonna have to say no to this one

• • Have you ever engaged in piracy?

::looks guiltily at mp3 collection::

• • Have you ever been a pimp?

my friends call me Bishop Don Magic Juanita

• • Have you ever eaten a human body?

tasted far less like chicken than I had been led to believe, but no not the whole body-I'm not a glutton

• • Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?

what's that about beauty being in the eye of the beholder

• • Have you ever exterminated a species?

if you take the butterfly effect far enough

• • Have you ever been a professional executioner?

amateur only. i do it for the love, not the money

• • Have you given robots a bad name?

um, every chance I get. robots are evil and will one day enslave us all

• • Have you ever set a booby trap?

who hasn't?

• • Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?

i like to look at it like "succeeding in not rescuing"

• • Have you driven anyone insane?

probably. ask some of my old roomates and/or coworkers

• • Have you ever killed the wrong person?

as i said before, i'm never wrong

• • Is anybody looking for you?

don't beat around the bush you know you are.

• • Have you ever set a poor example?

i try not to but that kid was really begging for a cigarette and who can resist those eyes?

• • Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?

that's yet to be definitively determined

• • Are you in hiding?

obvi

• • Have you systematically set up mysteries?

i do it in a more haphazard manner and marvel at the added mystery of that mayhem

• • Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?

well, sometimes people aren't sure if I'm a boy or a girl, does that count?

• • Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?

isn't all action a philisophy and isn't philosophy a type of action

• • Have you ever gone crazy?

"no t.v. and no beer make Homer something something"
"go crazy?"
"don't mind if I do!"

• • Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?

it doesn't take a lot of work (did that help, y'know, persuade you?)

• • Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?

i mean, he wasn't perfect, he had his flaws too. i wouldn't say great I'd say Brezhnev-level

• • Have you ever smothered a baby?

heavens no!

• • Do you deserve to have any friends?

honestly, probably not (and that question was mean. Goddamn LRH)

• • Have you ever castrated anyone?

besides myself?

• • Do you deserve to be enslaved?

I'll answer when my master tells me to. (the safe word is sassafras)

• • Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?

that one

• • Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

that maybe my life's quest

• • Have you ever zapped anyone?

Bart: Hey Dad, look what I got! [points the gun to him] Zzap! Zzap!
[Homer looks worriedly at Bart]
Zzap! Zzap!

• • Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?

not that I'm aware of and I really hope not

Well that wasn't that bad! my soul is sooo much lighter than a feather

(*Fun For the Whole Family)

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