Best Band Ever**

(**if i had to think of a Best Band Ever* for today it would probably have had to be Mandy Moore since I have listened to her Umbrella about 60 times since Sunday and have started singing it in my sleep. That of course led to a tempestuous "rest" and so I don't really have the energy or the time to try to fake something this more. SO here's a BBE* classic from maybe in September- and like last time all links will be put together and mad activate at the end.)

*according to me, at this moment, subject to change

It was so fucking hot this weekend I feel it zapped all my creativity, just like it did all of my energy leading me to plop myself uncomfortably on couches trying to position numerous fans on myself and making me way too tired to move. So last night when I realized I "had" to do this again in the morning I got a little freaked out trying to think of someone for Best Band Ever* and feeling a little bit of pressure now that I've obsessively been looking at google analytics (more on that later, at some point, if I remember) to actually make it, y'know, good. Then I really didn't want to do this because usually to start a week I can ease in with Monday Morning Cuteness then Things to do and so I really don't have to think before noon. Not so on Tuesdays. And so of course nothing came then and this morning I couldn't sleep and woke up early feeling that I had been afflicted with writer's block, though what I'm doing here can't be really called writing so I guess it was more of a blogger block. But fuck it. In the words of the former description of this site "i'm just dancing like no ones' watching." Anywhoo I think I had originally wanted to do something different toady and "spotlight" (in the glare of a 50 watt bulb) a transgendered folk singer called Namoli Brennet who has some really great songs and of course I feel an affinity for, but it didn't feel right at the time so I shifted my focus to another singer/songwriter of whom I first learned because of a transgendered theme song (to my ears) and so for the reasons I may fail to fully explain below, Dar Williams is the Best Band Ever*.

I first heard of Dar Williams when, it had to have been early in 2005, when one of my great girlfriends suggested I got on gay.com to, I don't know, try to find a date or something. That part seemed pretty creepy (and still does) but they had a fabulous section on entertainment and queer musical artists. One of the standard questions they asked a band they were highlighting was "what song do you wish you had written" and some lesbian band's answer, I don't remember who's, was "When I Was A Boy" by Dar Williams. (And it is amazing what a very simple search will find. It was an interview with Mara Levi.) Naturally I was intrigued. And so I got the song and felt an incredible connection to the lyrics, of the changing of gender roles/identities/ expectations (And especially now when I'm figuring out there's a tonne of stuff I "can't" or shouldn't do now that I'm a girl, like walking home by myself or riding around topless. And all the pictures of my past that are me but aren't and how I reconcile those thoughts When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me/ Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees. And I know things have gotta change,/ But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too/ And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep/ Except when I'm tired,
'cept when I'm being caught off guard)
It was like the best song about transgenderism that I think I had heard and even after having listened to it at least dozens of times (don't judge; my most played song is only like 40. I have a phenomenal memory and an obsession for no song to be privileged to far above another) it still touches that same raw and secret spot inside. The song is the first track off her first full length album "The Honesty Room" so it must have a pretty esteemed and important place in Dar's heart (being her introduction to the outside world and all) and here's a live version

There are very few things that are more true than a musician and their guitar. I love it. Sometimes I wish I could be a singer songwriter but I always feel my lyrics might be too obtuse or insular, or too universal to be vague. She doesn't really seem to have that problem and has probably the best sense of humor that I've heard in a folkie, just think of songs like The Pointless Yet Poignant Crisis of a Co-Ed. But even with that humor she doesn't shy away from serious ideas and thoughts; she's a very smart woman (yeah religion majors!) and her way with words really can create pictures as can be seen in The Christians and the Pagans (this is a fan made video, made by a Wiccan, I'd assume. It's nothing special visually but it does have a great audio of the song:)


Both of the above songs, as well as a personal favorite (that is awesome for singing out loud to, the chorus at least) As Cool as I Am are all off her second album Mortal City.
And like I mistakenly thought when first hearing When I Was A Boy, or As Cool as I Am, she is not a lesbian but I loved her answer when she was asked about it in an interview:
"I didn’t want to cash in on breeder status: “Don’t worry, it’s safe, you can like me, men or homosexual women,” because so much of the music industry is predicated on the male gaze of the camera: “Are you the doe in the headlights, are you the bad girl, are you the good girl, are you the virgin.” I wanted to be self-identified, I wanted to jump through that loophole, and I also wanted to be equal-opportunity in terms of who I reached in terms of my lyrics. Therefore I was not clear about my own sexuality, therefore I was pretty gender-neutral in my songs, and I was as inclusive as possible in terms of who I talked about on-stage." I have not really heard the term breeder used in straight company.Fabulous.
I'm not sure if I say it a lot, or overuse the phrase but her writing seems to fit me emotionally where ever I am, I'm not sure if I seek her out but usually when I'm in a sour or melancholy mood (oh at least once every two weeks) her songs speak to a sense of hope and survival and better days and usually take my breath away and make me cry those happy tears, as I tend to do. Songs like Better Things from her End of Summer album for instance, which surprised me by coming on this morning when I was feeling a rather large crisis of confidence. One of those songs, which is so so powerful, is After All from her album The Green World. It really speaks to me when I'm really pondering what am I doing and why don't I just like take my pills and red wine and hope for reincarnation, but then I listen to this song and especially the verse :
And when I chose to live
There was no joy
It's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found."

Or "sometimes i think my father too was a refugee" and you remember that you're not the first or the last to go through this and you can get through. If I could ever write I song this good and beautiful I would gladly die happy.

"It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets into who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all"
So fuckin' beautiful.

Anway I was going to post a few mp3s for tasting purposes but then I read this interview with Dar while doing research and I totally understood her point in response to how she feels about "illegal downloading"

Well, I’m off the beaten track, but I’ll tell you, the better known you are, the more of a bummer it is. And the better known you are, usually the more people do it to you. If you’re playing for 30 people, and they know that your career is where you need to sell three CDs in order to have enough gas money to get to your next gig, that audience is aware of that.

If you’re basically an artist who is known and loved for their entertainment value and you’re associated with a major label, there’s a sort of “Who would notice?” mentality, and it is sort of like peeing at McDonald’s. You sort of think, “They put all these golden arches around the landscape, they owe me one.”
I love hearing about people putting songs on mix tapes, and I love hearing about people who heard about me in one way or another. I used to tape stuff off of my Dad’s record collection as a kid, and I remember my handwriting on those tapes.
But I think that’s how I feel about kids. I did a photo shoot recently with somebody who is an affluent grown person who works with musicians and showed me his collection of burned CDs and asked me what I wanted to listen to, and I didn’t dig it. It gave me a chill, that there was absolutely no ethic around downloading those things.
I think kids sharing, I think mix-tape sharing, that makes me very happy. That big picture, about people being moved, it’s like how you connect to music is the footprint in the sand. You are able to be imprinted in a very special way to the world when you listen to music.
There is a line that gets crossed sometimes that does give me sort of a spook. I like the ethic of people buying the whole thing. Instead of spending a dollar on that CD and getting it from your friend, don’t you want the lyrics and the liner notes and who I said thanks to?

Yeah it's kind of like those people who are famous and are well known so everyone assumes they're rich, when really they're living in a basement in Brooklyn, barely getting by ( do houses in New York have basements?)
Soo, you can always buy her stuff on iTunes, or Amazon. do it, do it.

And so for all of those reasons , even though she is mistaken in her belief that Southern California Wants to Be Western New York ( umm...no), and for her constantly writing songs that I can wish I had written (and I feel can apply to transitioning such as Farewell to the Old Me from her Beauty of Rain album

Dar Williams is the Best Band Ever.*

Two mp3s (because I just read that interview about downloading and what not and so I'd feel dirty but these two songs are AMAZING)

When I Was A Boy

After All

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A TMI Classic: Disconnection

I really had nothing on my mind to write about this week but since today I spent a long time writing probably too much to Hubby, a kind of long winded apology for not being as dilligent and punctual on my previous letters. And the whole letter was about how I didn't want my suckiness to be a sign of wanting to lose touch, but was rather caused by my own neuroses and that I don't ever want to be disconnected from her. Which was the point of this TMI, about my precedent of losing touch with people whenever they're out of sight, It's from the 9th of August and if you haven't read it, it's new to you:
I've been stressing over this for so long and I think it totally ruined my last letter to Hubby, it was full of laments and worries about not being able to keep in touch with people, which is it seems stupid to write to a person you actually want to stay in touch with. But it was what was on my mind when I was writing and it's what came out. I really should like start planning what I write, and in a larger sense do; spur of the moment, stream of consciousness might not always be the best way to go through life.
But enough about that, it's TMI Thursday, though on nights like this, these posts would be bettered labeled as a therapy session where I just vent, because I have no scinitillating details or stories. One of my biggest regrets and character flaws that I feel I have is my absolute inability to maintain a friendship when I am not in the same zip code with someone. I don't know what it is exactly. I used to trot out the excuse of "any one that's not in my field of vision is dead to me" it seemed cool in that devil may care live in the moment way but I think it was to compensate for those times when I would just forget about people, like during breaks, or not budget time to call them. I should probably start this at the beginning otherwise I'll be jumping around so much and this will be so jumbled that your comprehension level will be the same as if I never wrote this.
I suppose it started at middle school. All my friends before lived relatively close to me and we would hang out a good deal in the summers. In my neighborhood I didn't really know any of the kids because I was bussed to a magnet school like an hour away and so that started my cycle of only being friends with people I knew from school. Home was perhaps a separate sphere, a bitter sanctuary where I didn't feel the need to be so perfect and on top of every thing but rather a place to sit in my underwear watching television. But in middle school it was different. I remember in 7th grade math class how we all had to mark where we lived on some map and I lived so far south from everyone else that another map had to be brought on. That combined with such a long bus ride, and being middle school awkward with acne and bad teeth and not nearly that level of wealth totally contributed to self consciousness and maybe feeling embarassed about everything. but I still had friends that I would hang out with that lived pretty close so that was fine, and in the summer we would have some football passing tournaments so I would see my other friends as well. But those feelings of isolation only increased when kids started throwing parties and I could never go because they lived in the valley or whereve and it only got worse in high school. I never got my licence because I was never confident about driving; I would use as my excuse that I tend to daydream like all the team and never thought I had the focus to be a good driver, but underlying that was just my parent's driving histories and how I was in like 4 car accidents before I was 11 and my mom one night got into a pretty sever multi car one. I'm sure that ruined my confidence and that fear was always in the back of my head. But as I couldn't drive my mobility in that area of the city was severely limited, but now as I write this I don't feel it was that big a deal at the time. I had friends and I was never lonely; that element of knowing you would see them all again in a few months really neutralized feelings of estrangement. By the time I graduated I was so ready to move on and start the next phase that that fall I never really thought about anyone; they were off at college and I had decided to do AmeriCorps; everything seemed ordered and in place.
My AmeriCorps year was perfect for me; everyone I needed to talk to and be close to were with me like 24-7 for months; I didn't have time to think about the outside world, but after our closing ceremony on the way to the airport I remember crying so much (before I passed out due to lack of sleep) that I may never see those people, who were my life for that year, again.
I tried to stay in touch with everyone who was important to me, and I was actually successful; I visited them in Texas and Florida, certain people I would call weekly, I even got back in touch with a few people from high school.
But as I got into college, according to popular legend, I really didn't talk for the first few weeks, I don't remember that, but when I went off to visit one of my friends who was working in Vermont for fall break, by myself a rumour was spread that I was delayed in a snow pile in Canada, which was incredibly untrue but still a great legend. And perhaps created my reputation as a loner type.
(I don't know where I'm going with this, and the rum...maybe its not helping)
Anyway everyone loved me but I guess I was still a little distant or withdrawn but it was fine. I started a frat yada yada. I guess my current malaise started. Being friends with pre Type-As has its problem, as they have planned their lives and schedule each summer with internships to further their future careers. Each summer this was the same, they'd be off doing amazing things and I'd be in L.A. chilling, because I never really cared about internships, ( I wouldn't know what to intern for) and I was more that life will work it self out. But over that first summer we had sort of an email mailing list which I never knew about until that fall ( for reasons I don't want to get into in this post) but apparently my lack of activity in that forum led to notions of my demise. Apparently I didn't talk to any of them until I called one of my girlfriends for her birthday, which, according to her, pissed off a lot of our friends because they thought I wasn't as close to her as I was to them.
Anyway time passes, everything changes I stayed the same. My friends from high school I lost touch with; people graduate and move, and the same with my AmeriCorps team and google searches don't really help when one of your friend's name is Katie Holmes (damn you Tom Cruise.) But I don't think it was the whole "preparing for life/doing amazing things" vs. whatever I occupied my time with. Sophomore year when I was freaking out over a lot of things and possibly terrifying Theresa with my depressive/suicidal thoughts she laid out a theory. I think I was telling her about a dream that I always had when I was really clinically depressed of everyone I have ever known or been close to, being a face on a series of hills and how if I did kill myself they all would be affected in some way, and how maybe I didn't get too close to people because I didn't want to be too close and then cause them more pain if I did commit suicide, hence my "distant" nature. And this came from my best and most important emotional friend. She probably was right at that point. I was quite unhappy with my life and being a boy and maybe I thought by forcing some distance, emotionally, between myself and others I would be in a way protecting them, though I think my distancing may have contributed to an aura of hidden mystery with me. I got that a lot. I'm sure my repressed transsexuality also helped to make me shut myself off to some people, to some extent.
The summertime separations were hard no lie, just because all of my friends were on the east coast where they could continue a sembalance of a social life, while I was stuck here with no one I know. But just like in high school the hope of the next school year and the knowledge that I would see them again sped the months along. But of course, as I am wont to do, while I was getting close to one group of people I became "too busy" to talk with some of my old friends. It seems that if they would call it would always be at a weird or bad time. And I never got around to calling them back. I think there was the fear of not knowing what to say, the fear of maybe our only real connection being our shared experiences without which our conversations would be full of awkwardness. The knowledge that our lives would never be so tightly wound again, that we were moving apart. But its not like I never stopped thinking about them I think I just stopped being confident in talking to them, like somehow I failed in some way.
That kind of thinking lead to a love of my life marrying someone else.
And actually I think thats it, thats what's troubling me right now. I think its the fact that, especially know when I've been called an inspiration and courageous by starting my transition that I feel pressure to be something extraordinary, to live some amazing life. And so I feel guilty about when my life consists of me being stressed and feeling inadequate and mocked by hidden glances. There just seems to be a life exemplar that I'm not living that I feel disappoints those who care about me. That and the fact I still can't get a job. And so I think i'm scared of that same old fear that with physical separation there will be an emotional one as well. I really feel this pressure and subconsciously hold onto this belief that without a job, at this point I'm a bit of a failure and so I'm embarrassed. I measure myself and find me lacking. Or maybe its that other fear that I'm really not interesting as a person and I have nothing interesting to say; that deep down we were never really friends but rather that connection was forged due to circumstance and common trial. Like now I have phone dates to schedule with some of my really good girl friends who are so far away and I'm just terrified, which is not okay. I think thats why I'm kind of liking my guy friends right now who I exchange taunting e-mails or drunken texts with; purely emotional less. And that safety blanket of knowing I'll see them back at Harvard Westlake or at Duke is gone and I think that uncertainty is something that is incredibly troubling, that playtime is over and the real world is all I'll know from now on; I need to get through that but I don't know how to yet. (Oh and the fact I'm a girl now may complicate a few of my relations with friends from high school. I would love to go our athletic alumni reunion but I'm sure that would not go over well. Or smoothly. But just most of those friendships are out until a move is made on either side. So frustrating.)
And though I keep in touch with aim and facebook and whatever they just seem so false and tinny. I'm not sure if I could call someone, like verbally at this point. I'm not sure my voice would stand for it. Plus I hate my voice right now.
But there are some people I do make an effort to reach out to and I think the fact that they haven't reciprocated is really exacerbating my feelings. I really need to work through my self esteem issues. And realize these people actually do care about who I really am, and they are maybe the only ones on this whole planet who do. And to lose them as I fear I have lost everyone else would be the worst thing I could do, in the near future or for the whole of my life. Maybe my therapists would help me get rid of this self doubt; I just wish I could trust her as much as I do this blank screen.Maybe I do do better at a distance and maybe I'm that egotistical where I want to only say my piece and control the flow of a conversation to direct it away from anything I'm not comfortable with. But that's not okay. I'm tying to be open and truthful in every aspect of my life and I feel that to keep anything from my friends is a cop out and a lie. I really need to let go and trust and hope for the best in all aspects of my life, especially one so vital and needed and vital. I think what I need more than anything is an unsolicited I Love You.
But this too will pass. Once I get this damn elusice job I'll feel better about myself and feel like a person. Until then I'm going to try to keep writing letters to Hubby every month at least, and also to Suj and maybe that will be my means of communication to all my friends. It really does convey such a sense of humanity and personality, of care and thoughtfulness which is what I want all my friends to feel about me. That I do love them more than anything. And I'm done otherwise this will end up being more of the same than it's already been. Ugh I feel like Eric Carmen, like way too much like Eric Carmen.

Yeah all of the above? It probably made no sense.

okay and as I wrote Hubby today one more instance came to memory, that I'm not sure if I wrote above but I can't read my own writing. Anyway it was about how a girl, a friend of mine in like 2nd or 3rd grade went to live in Africa with her parents, who I think we're doctors, and I promised to write her and send her tapes of her favorite show, Rescue 911. I of course never did and never read the letter she wrote to me, I think. Oh and a "romantic rival" of mine for her asked me to send her a tape, which was him singing a Color Me Badd song which I listened to and then lost someplace in my closet. I think that incident shaped my life.

oh and 30 Rock is so damn hilarious. There was a brilliant joke tonight about family skeletons in the closet and Jack Donaghy, in passing mentioned his brother Tim who "bet on NBA games." It was great for me.

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A TMI Classic: Self Discovery through Pop Culture

I was thinking about posting a new one of these tonight but I got up way too early this morning and I have to do it again tomorrow, so I'm really exhausted. (and of course I had to start it at this hour because of Ugly Betty/30 Rock and The Office) So I'm going to repost an early TMI, because as NBC once said, if you haven't seen it, it's new to you.
This one is Self Discovery Through Pop Culture, which was inspired by this post Tales of Self Discovery through Bad Movies, from the 23rd of July, which preceded TMI by a few days. It's rather entertaining, at least to me, so enjoy. Or not. Whatever.

This is probably going to be a little lean because this post, by its nature of me trying to remember things that happened over a decade ago and also the fact that I'm not drinking right now but I'll try cuz, I've done this once so its tradition. Anyway as I watch Ugly Betty explain the difference between transvestitism and transsexuality, and Alexis Meade describing various feminizing surgeries, it seems an appropriate time as any, and I did say on Tuesday that this would be my topic if not earth shattering happened in my life so... andiamo. Oh wait I didn't really tell the topic umm...early signs I was different? Does that work? Whatevs; I still don't believe anyone actually reads this, so its just me and my therapist. (I'm going to use the power of the internet to research a few dates so I know how old I was for certain things, though I prefer to do this in a rambling stream of consciousness style.) I have a memory of being in some toy store and really wanting, I think it was, a female He-Man action figure that I really wanted to be and dreamed about being, which according to wikipedia was called She-Ra. The site claims that they discontinued the line in the middle of 1987 so I guess this had to be when I was no older than 4, which is wow! I had no idea I had any memories of anything that early. But I know I got that doll, I mean action figure and I remember playing a lot with her tiara. The next relevant memory I have is when I was shopping with my grandma in some mall thats no longer there. I was still really young at this point I think, and my grandma and I were in some beauty store maybe, with like hair accesories and the like I guess. But I remember trying on a plastic headband (an "Alice Band": I like that) and wearing it around the store. I remember walking out of the store still wearing it and one of the workers rushing out to get me. I must have been young because I think it must have been written off as a cute innocent thing. I remember up until 2nd grade I would only play with girls; I remember jumping a lot of rope and then when one of my friends got hurt by a speed walker I remember crying over it. Like a lot. Like enough where the teacher had to console me, and I may have gotten to go home early. I think it was the middle of 3rd grade, maybe during a semester break (did we have those in elementary school?) I went to a church camp up in the mountains (the first time I saw snow!) and at a cafeteria lunch I remember the girls raving over my eyelashes and how cute I looked; I reveled in that. (God I was such a queen; its a tad embarrassing) But I think it must have been sometime before this when, getting back to the pop culture point of this post, where I guess my mom and I were watching the Sally Jessy Raphael Show ( I am so dating myself with that.) The topic was something like parents who raise their children as the opposite gender. I was incredibly drawn to the show and I remember one of the guests; she was I'm pretty sure a Hispanic kid wearing a bright red dress with a really festive and ornamental head wear (in my mind I have a mental image but I think the exact memory has probably been corrupted by Ma Vie En Rose) and her mother was so accepting and I remember wishing that that would be me and that I could do that. But some socialization and knowledge of gender norms had sunk in because I knew that I shouldn't be too excited to watch it, or betray too much enthusaism because I didn't know what my mom would think. But I think I used it as a segue to ask her if there was anyone in our family who had had a sex change and apparently there is (some second or third cousin in Louisiana.) I'm trying not to cloud this to much with me analysis and implanting thoughts for 8 year old me. But maybe that gave me some type of hope and a realization that changing yourself wasn't something that only happened in the movies. I guess I was entering some sort of latency period (Freud is still b.s.), or probably just an acknowledgment that I wasn't the way "I was supposed to be" but of course I never stopped thinking about it. There was some case in the news about a girl suing to become a boy scout and as I was walking home from school I angrily wondered why a boy couldn't be a girl scout and then imagining my life as a brownie (wow these memories are actually really embarrassing) And according to this I was 8 at the time, wow, wow. On the first episode of X-Men the animated series on the first episode Morph died and I know he was my favorite X-Men because I wanted his power to change into whoever I wanted. According to this the show premiered in 92. And whenever anyone asked me what superpower I wanted if I could have any I would always say the ability to morph, though I never admitted it was to change into a girl. Actually I still want that power. But around this time I guess The Crying Game came out and though I didn't see it for years after I found out the secret and was so so so jealous of Jaye Davidson, hell I still am (such a gorgeous boy) plus the theme song was sung by Boy George who had always been one of my heroes just how he was so feminine and pretty, and I was definitely looking for signs of my "normality" and role models at this time. As any good tranny worth her salt I remember dressing up in my mom's clothes whenever I was left home alone, and I missed a good number of days just because I was bored and I'd like to believe to smart for school, and every time I would get dressed I would try to keep the clothes on for as long as I could to just imagine that I could always be that way. I'm sure my mom had to have noticed the remnants of make up on my face and maybe some clothing slightly misplaced, but she said she didn't know. When puberty hit, I don't know exactly when it started, I was incredibly confused by it all and since my brother and I never talked I had no idea what was happening so my mom got me one of those "What's happening to my body" book for boys, and I guess it came in a pack because there was also the girl version, which of course I would always secretly sneak away to read then hide it under my bed. Around the time my grandma died, when I was close to 13 I remember everynight praying to be turned into, just for a day, a girl, and because God could do anything I kept praying. But nothing ever happened of course, and my grandma died, so my faith in God hasn't really recovered yet. In the early 90's talk shows were everywhere and a common guests were the transsexuals and I probably watched too many of them but every time one would come on I would marvel about how pretty some were and wanted to be some of them, though I just wanted to be a normal girl and not necessarily have to go on television because of it. A few more anecdotes; the first orgasm I ever had was reading a transsexual erotica story about a boy dressing as his sister for her wedding and of course I had no idea what happened when It happened, but yeah I had the internet and I would constantly be on transgendered related sites and looking for information, since I was about 12. Michelle's Midday Break was my favorite. Then when I was 14 my mom and I went to Chicago for her sorority convention and I remember going to the Victoria's Secret on Michigan Avenue and buying a bra, panty and garter set and felt incredible awkward as the attendant tried and failed to hide her giggling but a more matronly saleswomen was talking to me about control tops. My mom found these clothes; she had begun a habit of snooping around, and told my pediatrician, who was a pretty close family friend, who upon seeing me for an appointment asked me if I was having sex and when I replied no, asked me when I did in the future would it be with boys or girls I replied sheepishly girls; I knew the consequences of saying boys, but after my mom being so open when I came out I sort of really wished I had the courage to tell her the truth back then. I could say I missed ten years of my life but I wasn't ready and had no idea how to handle it. And plus, I still have plenty of time and things worked out for the best. (yeah I know that was long and at certain times had no narrative form, but I think I did it more for me and once I started writing more and more memories came back and some even shocked me.There was definitely TMI. Okay this has been really long; I'll do my teenage years later, or maybe my theories on "causes" who knows- I'll probably forget.)
this was easily the least painful and shortest amount of time I ever spent doing this. sweet.

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