Hookers and Blow

So on Slate today they were featuring an article by everyone's favorite Elliot Spitzer with a tease something like "Obama shouldn't use the stimulus package on bridges and buildings; here's what he should use it for" (that was a paraphrase because that grammar seems atrocious; something is probably dangling)
but anyway the first thing I thought of was "He should spend it on Hookers and Blow" because really I know Elliot Spitzer smart guy, blah blah was a Wall Street Crusader (who probably shouldn't have resigned; he might have proved effective with, y'know the meltdown of free market capitalism) but what's anyone actually going to remember him for? The Emperor's Club and Ashley DuPre (is that her name? whatevs) which is probably sad for him and sad that our society is that fixated on the tawdry but it's still pretty fun. Which leads me to believe Fitzgerald was only partially right when he supposedly said "There are no second acts in American Life;" there's maybe not the second life you'd want on the same level of esteem but there is a second life of pity or scorn or ridicule.
Plus "Hookers and Blow" just say it...it can't help but make you smile.

It also reminds me of a facebook wall post convo I had with one of my uber conservative friends in the run up to the election about the only way Johnny Mac and an October Surprise could've beaten Barack(and I really hate how that whole election cycle really made me temporarily side with the conservatives- I felt dirty and ashamed)
Anyway, and this is funnier if you know that my friend is a super dedicated christian who has never cursed, smoked, drunk (drank?) or kissed a girl:

me: do the republicans and the white house actually want john mccain to win? because if so they need to hurry up with that "October Surprise", a surprise that hopefully consists of us capturing Bin Laden to discover he has Barack's cell phone # on speed dial, as well as a video of Barack and Bin Laden snorting coke while shouting "Allahu Akbar" (along with maybe a spare trillion or so dollars and a new renewable energy source.) That just might tip the scales...the CIA can do that right? for America?

him: for mccain to have a chance, it'd probably also have to include:
1) footage of the harem that osama gave to obama to bring back to the white house after the coke-scapades.
2) reports and trascripts of the secret meeting--without preconditions--where barack assembled ahmadinejad and kim jong il for a secret foreign policy summit. at the meeting, barack offered to give both leaders secret nuclear weapon technology and permanent seats on the UN security council in return for more, yep, hookers and blow.
3) it also comes to light that barry has made three more quick stops: one in china, where he announced to the chinese public that their gymnastics team was, indeed, of the proper age; one in venezuela, where he was seen pledging his unfailing loyalty to the regime of hugo chavez in exchange for more, yep, hookers and blow; and finally one in cuba, where he promised to make cuba our 51st state and fidel castro our next associate supreme court justice when JP Stevens finally snuffs it.

And who could ever forget the infamous “Better Know A District” with Robert Wexler

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Better Know a District - Florida's 19th - Robert Wexler

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“If you combine the two together it’s probably more fun”

But yeah the actual article isn't nearly that fun and is really kind of boring, and disturbing (why the f*ck is everyone so pro-robot?!)

(and apparently Hookers and Blow is the name of a band and I must say that is a great great name, unless they're a bluegrass outfit, or like Il Divo, which on second thought might even make it funnier)

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The More You Know

did you know that "under captive breeding plans, elephants should be at least 11 years old before conceiving."

Neither did I until I read this article about the controversy an Australian zoo has created by allowing it's 9 year old elephant to become preggers, which is apparently "the equivalent of allowing your 12-year-old daughter to become pregnant"

Wow, Britney Spears' mom is now running actual zoos- who woulda thunk it?

Anyway here is the BBC article

A row has erupted in Australia after Sydney's zoo announced a nine-year-old Asian elephant was pregnant.

Animal rights groups say the elephant, Thong Dee, is too young to fall pregnant, and that the zoo is "irresponsible" in letting it happen.

This was "the equivalent of allowing your 12-year-old daughter to become pregnant", said Erica Martin of the International Fund for Animal Welfare.

But keepers at Taronga Zoo say they took expert advice and acted on this.

"We took our advice from the experts in elephant reproduction," says Lucy Melo, senior keeper at the zoo.

"And based on their findings, when they came here and did elephant reproductive assessments... they suggested that all of the elephants were reproductively viable, and that they actually recommended Thong Dee for immediate breeding."

But Ifaw says under captive breeding plans, elephants should be at least 11 years old before conceiving.

If all goes well, the birth will be the first by a captive elephant in Australia, which the zoo described as a "historic event" on Thursday.

Thong Dee, who is five months into her 22-month pregnancy, is reported to be the first elephant to become pregnant while in captivity in Australia.

She was part of a group of Asian elephants imported from Thailand two years ago.

Someone should really lower that proper elephant breeding age for elephants in captivity on the elephant Wiki page so Thong Dee doesn't feel like a whore. Wikiality makes it so

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What Makes Some Guy a Good Speaker

An interesting article from the New York Observer

After studying the speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr. and John F. Kennedy, linguist Mark Liberman found that their speaking styles are “radically different.”

Then there’s Barack Obama.

His keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention instantly earned him a reputation as one of the Democratic Party’s great contemporary orators. And that reputation has only been further hyped since the beginning of the presidential campaign, most recently because of the wildly popular music video, “Yes We Can,” which set to music Obama’s primary night speech in New Hampshire.

Liberman, a linguistics professor at the University of Pennsylvania, thinks the most distinctive thing about Obama’s speeches isn’t the delivery, but the lyricism in the writing.

“You can take a short phrase like that, spoken any kind of way as long as it’s not dragged out, and sing over it,” he said. “There’s also a certain amount of repetition — the ‘Yes We Can’ theme — that allows this kind of weaving of vocal lines. But if that’s right, then what’s really musical about that speech was not so much its delivery, but its composition. It was written like a song, but not performed like a song.”

Linguist Geoff Nunberg, too, sees elements of Obama’s speeches that he says lend themselves to song.

“He does these parallel constructions,” said Nunberg, a researcher at Stanford University’s Center for the Study of Language and Information. “For example, he says, ‘It’s not because of this, it’s not because of that.’”

In a Jan. 20 New York Times story, Obama’s head speechwriter, 26-year-old Jon Favreau, said when writing speeches for Obama, he draws inspiration from John Kennedy, King and Robert F. Kennedy, suggesting, again, that Obama’s reputation as a master speechmaker owes a large debt to the simply act of borrowing devices from great public speakers of the past.

But Nunberg said there’s more to it than the writing.

“He’s mastered a certain cadence that’s very effective,” said Nunberg. “He turns to the right to make his first point with a rise, then he turns to his left with a fall to close.”

Nunberg said these engaging cadences are similar to those of King.

Though the movement helps hold the audience’s attention, too much movement, Nunberg said, can convey a lack of control. Obama, he said, has been able to balance the extremes like Kennedy.

When Obama is speaking, Nunberg said, his arms move, but his body orientation does not change. Also, he doesn’t let his arms get too far away from his body and he keeps his hands closed, instead of open. “He’s very cool in a sense that Kennedy was cool,” Nunberg said. “His gesture and his posture are controlled.”

Another similarity Obama has with Kennedy is his limited pitch range, which enables him to “convey passion without exhibiting it,” Nunberg said.

But, he added, Clinton is much better in smaller settings, like debates, where the candidates are improvising. She goes straight to the answer, while Obama often starts his sentences one way, and restarts them with different structure.

Nunberg suggested that much of the excitement Obama has been able to generate in large gatherings has had to do with voters attending his events with the idea that he will deliver excitement.

“If you come with the idea or hope of being engaged, or sufficient numbers of people come with the hope of being engaged, it is engaging,” he said.

yeah I knew Barack was a middling hack …without his teleprompter(which I don't think Kennedy or MLK had the benefit of) and it’s just like a revival meeting, if you believe you’ll get more out of it

All of the things about lyricism and parallel structures, from writing anything you know that’s more powerful and effective and lasting, though the body control part was interesting
but Colbert’s known what makes a compelling speech since Barack was still "present"

and of course they can’t or won't disclose the real reasoning for why Barack mesmerizes so many people- the fact he probably has a few witch doctors working for him back in his tribe in Kenya, or so this guy probably wants you to believe

[Here's a related article from Slate about speechmaking...and one from WaPo kind of about mesmerizing ]

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Missing Mitt

"don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone"
or in the case of Mitt Romney we knew all along (until he changed his position) but we didn't appreciate the (unintentional) humor he brought to the game. And now with "Crazy Christian" Huck and "Crazy Manchurian Candidate" McCain, well I miss the levity. and everyone hating Mitt of course

But now is the time for retrospectives and tributes
Slate V looks at "Mitt's Wonder Year" and what a wonder it was

while Stephen Colbert can only bid farewell to Mitt's campiagn


see ya in 2012 Mitt

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That Was Probably Awkward

In a story about Mitt Romney, Keith Olbermann totally in passing mentioned that Mike Huckabee was taping a guest appearance on The Tyra Banks Show and my jaw just dropped.
No way- that didn't make any sense to me; it seemed like Huck would be the last candidate Tyra would have on her show but apparently it is so (and part of a mini media blitz followed by a taping of The Colbert Report.)

Really what could they have talked about? I'm sure Tyra will talk about his weight loss and like crusade for better diets or whatever and all the feel good Huckabee stuff but there would totally be a giant pink elephant in the room (that if Huck had his way would be quarantined) and that would be the Scary ultra Christian Huck.

For a women whose career is based in a very large part by the gay community, who probably has a tonne of gay friends and who has a very large and loyal gay audience and following is she just going to skirt over all those issues? I know it's not going to be a hard hitting journalistic interrogation, I don't expect that from Tyra but still how could that not be brought up?

I really hope Tyra takes a stand- that truly would be fierce.
And speaking of awkward television moments here is a case of TMI on your local news

once again, pick your perversions. I've never tried it so I won't judge
(and yes I may have just used this post as an opportunity to share the anchorwoman spanking clip)

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The Saga Continues

Further down the turtles


They must really miss their writers

P.S. did anybody else think of the anchorman rumble scene from Anchorman when Conan proposed they settle their differences in the civilized manner…of violence? And because I haven’t seen this in oh so long

“Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.”

[UPDATE: Stephen and Jon stop by Conan's show for a little tit for tat. Commence the violence- it's the Brawl to End It All
]
[UPDATE: And this from the end of The Colbert Report "immediately preceded" The Brawl to End It All
]

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See Stewart Settle Syllogistical Spats

“With Mike Huckabee's surge in national prominence following his win in the Iowa caucuses, both Stephen Colbert and Conan O'Brien attempted to take credit for his newfound popularity, claiming they "made" him”

Colbert Made Huckabee
Conan Made Colbert
But who Made Conan?

Jon Stewart knows the answer


My god, the nineties- that footage just looked so utterly cliché. Too cool to care in flannel and jeans

But the ultimate question is still out there: who made Jon Stewart? and who made the person that made Jon Stewart? Oh my; it's turtles all the way down!

[Update: Caroline Hirsch of Caroline's gave Jon his first writing gig in TV on Caroline's Comedy Hour soo...but after that it's just turtles,man

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What Jon Stewart Said Back Then

Because his is, for good or for ill, the most trusted newsman of this generation and the internet is magical like that. SO here are the State of the Union responses through the year from the folks at The Daily Show

Feb 27th 2001 (my god he was so young and much less grey)

Colbert!

Jan 29 2002

Jan 30-Joint Session


Jan 29 2003- A War Perfect Union (this was a big moment in history)




Colbert! (knows applause lines: "if you slow your speech down and punch up the last few words, anything you say will get applause")



January 21st 2004-A House Divided



Feb 3rd 2005-Majority Report

Colbert!

February 1 2006




January 24, 2007



Sometimes the only thing left to do is just laugh at the mess, to keep from crying

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Look At Me!

And now for something completely and totally different
"The writers of the "Colbert Report" amuse themselves at the expense of a congressional hearing during the writer's strike."

Ah Code Pink, god bless those girls and Viva La Ron Paul Revolution- get your Amero's now.
I love serious political discourse
(the guy who kciked them out did not look amused

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Happy Holidays from the Colbert Report

as long as those "holidays" are Christmas, of course.


and from exactly one year ago tonight here is Stephen Colbert and his Jingle-terns

I really miss that show.

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Getting Your "Colbert" Fix

yeah I know that that last post was a little depressing or angry so I wanted to post something that is pretty much the polar opposite of that, and give you your Colbert Fix because with the ongoing writer's strike I know you're jonesing bad. SO here is Stephen introducing Speaker Pelost at Glamour's Women of the Year Award Ceremony and it certainly is a fierce and fabulous Stephen that really brightened up my day (I totally think he has a new fashion segment on his show in the bag if he wanted it, and y'know if there is ever scripted television again)

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Colbert Campaign Makes Immediate Impact

I can't be the only one who thinks it might be more than coincidence that less than 48 hours after Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for the office of President of South Carolina that Sam Brownback withdraws from the race.

I can't say I actually care, it's not like Sam brought much to the race. Besides boredom and such such whiteness.
But what about the unforeseen consequences; will the Lotus Lounge stop selling the "Brownback" cocktail? Will Brownback Girl have to become a Tancredo* Ho?


Heaven forbid.
And maybe just maybe this could be the start of candidates running scared. I still think Freddie at any point is going to announce "fuck it; I'm getting a beer" and quit.

*who seems quite excited and proud that he's the "1st major candidate on the New Hampshire ballot", though I think "major candidate" is a bit of a stretch

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Ephemeral Desires: Things that are too cool/trendy for me*

but I still would like to see, see happen or experience

• Since it is National Coming Out Day for the following people to come out (and play) and for them to be accepted as they were before (yadas)
• Anderson Cooper
• Larry Craig
• A certain someone (he knows who he is)
  
• Kevin Spacey
• Clay Aiken (or Barry Manillow as he'll be called in 30 years )
• My Brother
• Jodie Foster
• Jonathan Rhys Meyers
• Condoleeza Rice
• On a totally unrelated note, an 84 year old Iowan while meeting Hillary Clinton suggested she change her hairstyle and model it after Paris Hilton. I would love to see this happen, or more accurately to see Paris Hilton become President.
• Stephen Colbert's (soon to be Pulitizer Prize winning) book "I Am America (and So Can You!)" was released on Tuesday. And while I forgot all about this I still want it to be number one on the bestseller list, as I know Stephen does as well. You can buy it here.
• Another book I want to read is Bus Stop Knobs or to be able to see some of that "graffiti" around, preferably on schools and nunneries.
  
• So conservative minds are up in arms that the Google logo images that they change for holidays have never been changed to somehting fitting these conservative mind's idea of patriotism. If these conservatives could get a grip and chill, or just go away, I'd be happy.
• Scientist at the University of Bolton (Michael) are developing a "smart bra" that "will not only be able to detect cancers before tumors develop, but that the undergarments will also be able to assess the effectiveness of women already undergoing cancer treatment." That sounds amazing and if it actually works would be a great thing for the world. These scientist would so be shortlisted for a Nobel Prize.
• Speaking of Nobel Prizes I would love if Al Gore won a Nobel Prize. I mean an Oscar and an Emmy plus a Nobel, phenomenal. And it's not like the Nobel committee doesn't have a record of giving out these awards to prove a political point by honoring people who hate GWeeB
  
• If I can see all of the movies mentioned in this New York Times Article about the fall releases of specialty films I'd say that would be a nice little gig. It can be that hard to be a movie critic, I mean look at Shawn Edwards.
• Maybe in the near future I could watch such movies on T-4N Teleglasses which "connect to any NTSC-capable video player (including iPods) and delivers images directly to the eye via a pair of tiny monitors tucked away behind the lenses,” PinkTentacle explained. “The 640 x 480 screen resolution at close proximity simulates the effect of watching a 45-inch screen from 2 meters (6 feet) away, and each monitor can be focused and adjusted for an optimal picture that reduces eye strain. Audio is delivered through a pair of frame-mounted earphones" or on the similar iTheatre that "replicates the effect of watching a massive 50" screen from a distance of 8.5 feet...the effect is like having a home cinema grafted on to your retinas - amazing! And there's no need to strain because the dual screens cause eyes to focus at a comfortable distance and iTheater works with almost any video source"
• Though if I tried sea water I wouldn't need a fancy movie sunglasses to see "things." I always wondered why it was such a bad thing to drink seawater; in my mind if you drank it it might dehydrate you so that you'd hallucinate or something "mind expanding" but after reading the effects "Take a lot of salt into your body and your metabolism very quickly goes into crisis. From every cell, water molecules rush off like so many voluntary firemen to try to dilute and carry off the sudden intake of salt. This leaves the cells dangerously short of the water they need to carry out their normal functions. They become, in a word, dehydrated. In extreme situations, dehydration will lead to seizures, unconsciousness, and brain damage. Meanwhile, the overworked blood cells carry the salt to the kidneys, which eventually become overwhelmed and shut down. Without functioning kidneys you die. That is why we don't drink seawater." I think I'll let someone else work out the kinks first."
  
• And finally I know drugs are horrible and all and dealing with the hardcore ones is like taking your life into your hands but still I would never want to blow up and get fat like Pete Doherty did in rehab.Maybe heroin has its purpose. I mean geez! what became of the likely lad? I think Kate Moss may be quite okay with Pete marrying someone else.
  

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Can I Sign Up for the Mujaha-queen?

I guess this was last night (my body is so out of whack I can't stay up late anymore) but I don't know...

Steven Colbert, in my new favorite segment The Gay Roundup (the intro is a.maz.ing.), talks to Dan Savage who is cursed with the same surname as his total opposite (who will never be mentioned by me because he's a moron.)


And I don't fault Larry Craig. Now that he's not resigning I have to support our LGBT senator(s.) I really think that he's going to full embrace the culture and community and so is waiting for the 11th, and National Coming Out Day.
Yup- that is soo what's going to happen...

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