Showing posts with label utterly sentimental. Show all posts
Showing posts with label utterly sentimental. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

No, Thank You John!

John Edwards' speech from the Lower 9th Ward today.
It actually made me cry



Thank you all very much. We're very proud to be back here.

During the spring of 2006, I had the extraordinary experience of bringing 700 college kids here to New Orleans to work. These are kids who gave up their spring break to come to New Orleans to work, to rehabilitate houses, because of their commitment as Americans, because they believed in what was possible, and because they cared about their country.

I began my presidential campaign here to remind the country that we, as citizens and as a government, have a moral responsibility to each other, and what we do together matters. We must do better, if we want to live up to the great promise of this country that we all love so much.

It is appropriate that I come here today. It's time for me to step aside so that history can blaze its path. We do not know who will take the final steps to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but what we do know is that our Democratic Party will make history. We will be strong, we will be unified, and with our convictions and a little backbone we will take back the White House in November and we'll create hope and opportunity for this country.

This journey of ours began right here in New Orleans. It was a December morning in the Lower Ninth Ward when people went to work, not just me, but lots of others went to work with shovels and hammers to help restore a house that had been destroyed by the storm.

We joined together in a city that had been abandoned by our government and had been forgotten, but not by us. We knew that they still mourned the dead, that they were still stunned by the destruction, and that they wondered when all those cement steps in all those vacant lots would once again lead to a door, to a home, and to a dream.

We came here to the Lower Ninth Ward to rebuild. And we're going to rebuild today and work today, and we will continue to come back. We will never forget the heartache and we'll always be here to bring them hope, so that someday, one day, the trumpets will sound in Musicians' Village, where we are today, play loud across Lake Ponchartrain, so that working people can come marching in and those steps once again can lead to a family living out the dream in America.

We sat with poultry workers in Mississippi, janitors in Florida, nurses in California.

We listened as child after child told us about their worry about whether we would preserve the planet.

We listened to worker after worker say "the economy is tearing my family apart."

We walked the streets of Cleveland, where house after house was in foreclosure.

And we said, "We're better than this. And economic justice in America is our cause."

And we spent a day, a summer day, in Wise, Virginia, with a man named James Lowe, who told us the story of having been born with a cleft palate. He had no health care coverage. His family couldn't afford to fix it. And finally some good Samaritan came along and paid for his cleft palate to be fixed, which allowed him to speak for the first time. But they did it when he was 50 years old. His amazing story, though, gave this campaign voice: universal health care for every man, woman and child in America. That is our cause.

And we do this -- we do this for each other in America. We don't turn away from a neighbor in their time of need. Because every one of us knows that what -- but for the grace of God, there goes us. The American people have never stopped doing this, even when their government walked away, and walked away it has from hardworking people, and, yes, from the poor, those who live in poverty in this country.

For decades, we stopped focusing on those struggles. They didn't register in political polls, they didn't get us votes and so we stopped talking about it. I don't know how it started. I don't know when our party began to turn away from the cause of working people, from the fathers who were working three jobs literally just to pay the rent, mothers sending their kids to bed wrapped up in their clothes and in coats because they couldn't afford to pay for heat.

We know that our brothers and sisters have been bullied into believing that they can't organize and can't put a union in the workplace. Well, in this campaign, we didn't turn our heads. We looked them square in the eye and we said, "We see you, we hear you, and we are with you. And we will never forget you." And I have a feeling that if the leaders of our great Democratic Party continue to hear the voices of working people, a proud progressive will occupy the White House.

Now, I've spoken to both Senator Clinton and Senator Obama. They have both pledged to me and more importantly through me to America, that they will make ending poverty central to their campaign for the presidency.

And more importantly, they have pledged to me that as President of the United States they will make ending poverty and economic inequality central to their Presidency. This is the cause of my life and I now have their commitment to engage in this cause.

And I want to say to everyone here, on the way here today, we passed under a bridge that carried the interstate where 100 to 200 homeless Americans sleep every night. And we stopped, we got out, we went in and spoke to them.

There was a minister there who comes every morning and feeds the homeless out of her own pocket. She said she has no money left in her bank account, she struggles to be able to do it, but she knows it's the moral, just and right thing to do. And I spoke to some of the people who were there and as I was leaving, one woman said to me, "You won't forget us, will you? Promise me you won't forget us." Well, I say to her and I say to all of those who are struggling in this country, we will never forget you. We will fight for you. We will stand up for you.

But I want to say this -- I want to say this because it's important. With all of the injustice that we've seen, I can say this, America's hour of transformation is upon us. It may be hard to believe when we have bullets flying in Baghdad and it may be hard to believe when it costs $58 to fill your car up with gas. It may be hard to believe when your school doesn't have the right books for your kids. It's hard to speak out for change when you feel like your voice is not being heard.

But I do hear it. We hear it. This Democratic Party hears you. We hear you, once again. And we will lift you up with our dream of what's possible.

One America, one America that works for everybody.

One America where struggling towns and factories come back to life because we finally transformed our economy by ending our dependence on oil.

One America where the men who work the late shift and the women who get up at dawn to drive a two-hour commute and the young person who closes the store to save for college. They will be honored for that work.

One America where no child will go to bed hungry because we will finally end the moral shame of 37 million people living in poverty.

One America where every single man, woman and child in this country has health care.

One America with one public school system that works for all of our children.

One America that finally brings this war in Iraq to an end. And brings our service members home with the hero's welcome that they have earned and that they deserve.

Today, I am suspending my campaign for the Democratic nomination for the Presidency.

But I want to say this to everyone: with Elizabeth, with my family, with my friends, with all of you and all of your support, this son of a millworker's gonna be just fine. Our job now is to make certain that America will be fine.

And I want to thank everyone who has worked so hard – all those who have volunteered, my dedicated campaign staff who have worked absolutely tirelessly in this campaign.

And I want to say a personal word to those I've seen literally in the last few days – those I saw in Oklahoma yesterday, in Missouri, last night in Minnesota – who came to me and said don't forget us. Speak for us. We need your voice. I want you to know that you almost changed my mind, because I hear your voice, I feel you, and your cause is our cause. Your country needs you – every single one of you.

All of you who have been involved in this campaign and this movement for change and this cause, we need you. It is in our hour of need that your country needs you. Don't turn away, because we have not just a city of New Orleans to rebuild. We have an American house to rebuild.

This work goes on. It goes on right here in Musicians' Village. There are homes to build here, and in neighborhoods all along the Gulf. The work goes on for the students in crumbling schools just yearning for a chance to get ahead. It goes on for day care workers, for steel workers risking their lives in cities all across this country. And the work goes on for two hundred thousand men and women who wore the uniform of the United States of America, proud veterans, who go to sleep every night under bridges, or in shelters, or on grates, just as the people we saw on the way here today. Their cause is our cause.

Their struggle is our struggle. Their dreams are our dreams.

Do not turn away from these great struggles before us. Do not give up on the causes that we have fought for. Do not walk away from what's possible, because it's time for all of us, all of us together, to make the two Americas one.

Thank you. God bless you, and let's go to work. Thank you all very much


God bless you John. The dream will never die.

John Edwards for President.

(and on a more personal note I always love seeing the gray and khaki of the AmeriCorps kids)

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Still "Coping"

Dreams die hard.



But I was thinking about it, trying to be positive and not look back in anger and,...Well at least because of John important issues are actually being discussed in this campaign, even if they are often times obscured by the bickering, the “idea of history” and identity politics.

I just wish I knew who to vote for on Tuesday. I would say I’m supporting Hillary but everything I touch seems to turn to mud.

And have you ever thought that somehow you’re powerful and that you can effect and influence things that you know you can’t? because somehow I feel really guilty for a moment of disbelief last night, maybe while I was sleeping but I was actually thinking about when I should on facebook become a supporter of Hillary and I was thinking about doing it after California but remembered that California was on the same date as so many other primaries and at the last moment, in my thoughts I unknowingly betrayed John.

Sigh, sigh


"John Edwards' bold ideas have shaped the debate in this election. Whether it’s creating universal health care or halting global warming, ending poverty or ending the war in Iraq and restoring America’s moral leadership around the world, John has led with the boldest and most comprehensive plans for overcoming the challenges we face today.

John is the one candidate willing to speak the truth about what’s going on in Washington: big corporations and special interests have taken over our government and taken the power away from the American people. And he knows there’s only one way to get it back: to stand up, take them on, and beat them.

John is ready for this fight – because fighting special interests on behalf of regular, hard-working Americans is what he’s been doing his entire life.
-----
In America, everyone should have a fair opportunity to realize their dreams, no matter where they came from. John Edwards is running for president to build One America where every American can work hard and build a better life, the same opportunity that Edwards had.
"

someday I hope there will be an America like that

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Friday, December 21, 2007

Kid Nation: Had a Reunion?!

The Kids from Bonanaza City had a reunion and I just heard about it yesterday night through Defamer
It wasn't like a made for TV reunion like Flava of Love but it seems like an actual reunion perhaps at the CBS studios with like dinner and a chance for the kids to see each other again (which kinda makes all their whining about "never seeing their friends again" seem silly) but anyway here is a slide show of pictures from that day set to Radio Disney-esque music

And why am I not surprised to see Michael wearing a “Free Tibet” shirt and Laurel in that pants suit.
I miss those kids- could this possibly be made into a Seven-Up type thing? I want to see how these kids turn out.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Midnight Movie Transmission

I had originally planned on doing this post on Sunday night but then I stumbled upon Zeitgeist and that rocked my world and I decided that this way would actually be better that this way over the long weekend I could leave you with something amazing and tragic but uplifting and hopeful. I first heard of Randy Pausch through this article in the New York Times and I was immediately intrigued. He's a 47 year old professor who has been diagnosed with being in the last stages of terminal pancreatic cancer and he still has such an amazing outlook and sense of humor and vitality, it really makes you stop and think about what you really have to complain about. He seems like such a one in a million person. You can read more about him from the article or through google, of course.

But what sparked his unexpected and great fame was a series at Carnegie Mellon where I believe select professors were to write and deliver what would be their "last lecture" only in this case, for Dr. Pausch it very well could have been.

One of his proteges and friends has maintained and archive of some of his other lectures at Dr. Pausch's personal website which includes his personal favorite, one on Time Management (that I could've used years ago but is still really helpful.) It is from ten years ago so some of it is talk about technology is horribly outdated but he does give really effective and practical advice that anyone can utilize. Here's "Time Management" given at UVA:

and here is the world famous "Last Lecture" of Dr. Pausch, it is so well worth your time ( and you know it has to be- I never agree with Oprah)


Have an amazing holiday...live your life and love every moment of it, everyone. That's all we can do.

I'll see you monday.

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

PJ Harvey-The Piano

I really did! miss you that is. now i am horribly exhausted, but not from missing you of course.

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Hubby Mix: II (Post 700!)

So in one of her rare trips into town Hubby sent me a request for some other songs I guess she's been missing, and me being in love with her in our way of course had to oblige.
Once again these are songs she wanted, a few of them I had never heard before or hadn't heard in years so it was a good little refresher. And hopefully it'll make a nice Christmas present for her ( U.S. to Burkina Faso mail takes like 3 weeks- pretty ridic.)

And so since this is my 700th post I decided to give you all a gift as well.
Anyway here is The Hubby Mix II
(the first 18 songs she specifically requested)
1.) Delta Goodrem- Born To Try

2.) Squeezed- Tempted

3.) Dispatch- The General

4.) Prince- Kiss

5.) Dusty Springfield- Son of a Preacher Man

6.) Billy Joel- Vienna

7.) Better Than Ezra- Desperately Wanting

8.) Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo`ole- Somewhere Over the Rainbow

9.) The Calling- We’re Forgiven

10.) Sly and the Family Stone- Que Sera, Sera

11.) Van Morrison- Crazy Love

12.) Van Morrison- Caravan

13.) Tori Amos- Father Figure [download]
14.) Bill Withers- Lean on Me [download]
15.) Philip Glass- Metamorphosis Two [download]
16.) Don Mclean- American Pie


Disc 2
17.)Sinead O'Connor- Nothing Compares 2 U

18.) Rihanna- Umbrella


(and since I didn’t want to waste a disc justfor two songs here were some songs I put on that I thought she might like or that related to the above songs. i'll keep any other meanings, as obvious as they are, unsaid.)
C.S.S- Music is My Hot Hot Sex

Doris Day-Que Sera, Sera

Philp Glass- “Heroes”

Mandy Moore- Umbrella
Dishwalla- Counting Blue Cars

PJ Harvey- Before Departure

Joanna Newsom- Sawdusts and Diamonds

Carole King- You’ve Got A Friend [download]
Sarah Mclachlan- The Rainbow Connection

Emilie-Claire Barlow-La Belle Dame Sans Regrets

Oasis- Live Forever
Hair Original Cast -Flesh Failures (Let The Sunshine In)

as always there's amazon and iTunes.

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

A TMI Classic: Disconnection

I really had nothing on my mind to write about this week but since today I spent a long time writing probably too much to Hubby, a kind of long winded apology for not being as dilligent and punctual on my previous letters. And the whole letter was about how I didn't want my suckiness to be a sign of wanting to lose touch, but was rather caused by my own neuroses and that I don't ever want to be disconnected from her. Which was the point of this TMI, about my precedent of losing touch with people whenever they're out of sight, It's from the 9th of August and if you haven't read it, it's new to you:
I've been stressing over this for so long and I think it totally ruined my last letter to Hubby, it was full of laments and worries about not being able to keep in touch with people, which is it seems stupid to write to a person you actually want to stay in touch with. But it was what was on my mind when I was writing and it's what came out. I really should like start planning what I write, and in a larger sense do; spur of the moment, stream of consciousness might not always be the best way to go through life.
But enough about that, it's TMI Thursday, though on nights like this, these posts would be bettered labeled as a therapy session where I just vent, because I have no scinitillating details or stories. One of my biggest regrets and character flaws that I feel I have is my absolute inability to maintain a friendship when I am not in the same zip code with someone. I don't know what it is exactly. I used to trot out the excuse of "any one that's not in my field of vision is dead to me" it seemed cool in that devil may care live in the moment way but I think it was to compensate for those times when I would just forget about people, like during breaks, or not budget time to call them. I should probably start this at the beginning otherwise I'll be jumping around so much and this will be so jumbled that your comprehension level will be the same as if I never wrote this.
I suppose it started at middle school. All my friends before lived relatively close to me and we would hang out a good deal in the summers. In my neighborhood I didn't really know any of the kids because I was bussed to a magnet school like an hour away and so that started my cycle of only being friends with people I knew from school. Home was perhaps a separate sphere, a bitter sanctuary where I didn't feel the need to be so perfect and on top of every thing but rather a place to sit in my underwear watching television. But in middle school it was different. I remember in 7th grade math class how we all had to mark where we lived on some map and I lived so far south from everyone else that another map had to be brought on. That combined with such a long bus ride, and being middle school awkward with acne and bad teeth and not nearly that level of wealth totally contributed to self consciousness and maybe feeling embarassed about everything. but I still had friends that I would hang out with that lived pretty close so that was fine, and in the summer we would have some football passing tournaments so I would see my other friends as well. But those feelings of isolation only increased when kids started throwing parties and I could never go because they lived in the valley or whereve and it only got worse in high school. I never got my licence because I was never confident about driving; I would use as my excuse that I tend to daydream like all the team and never thought I had the focus to be a good driver, but underlying that was just my parent's driving histories and how I was in like 4 car accidents before I was 11 and my mom one night got into a pretty sever multi car one. I'm sure that ruined my confidence and that fear was always in the back of my head. But as I couldn't drive my mobility in that area of the city was severely limited, but now as I write this I don't feel it was that big a deal at the time. I had friends and I was never lonely; that element of knowing you would see them all again in a few months really neutralized feelings of estrangement. By the time I graduated I was so ready to move on and start the next phase that that fall I never really thought about anyone; they were off at college and I had decided to do AmeriCorps; everything seemed ordered and in place.
My AmeriCorps year was perfect for me; everyone I needed to talk to and be close to were with me like 24-7 for months; I didn't have time to think about the outside world, but after our closing ceremony on the way to the airport I remember crying so much (before I passed out due to lack of sleep) that I may never see those people, who were my life for that year, again.
I tried to stay in touch with everyone who was important to me, and I was actually successful; I visited them in Texas and Florida, certain people I would call weekly, I even got back in touch with a few people from high school.
But as I got into college, according to popular legend, I really didn't talk for the first few weeks, I don't remember that, but when I went off to visit one of my friends who was working in Vermont for fall break, by myself a rumour was spread that I was delayed in a snow pile in Canada, which was incredibly untrue but still a great legend. And perhaps created my reputation as a loner type.
(I don't know where I'm going with this, and the rum...maybe its not helping)
Anyway everyone loved me but I guess I was still a little distant or withdrawn but it was fine. I started a frat yada yada. I guess my current malaise started. Being friends with pre Type-As has its problem, as they have planned their lives and schedule each summer with internships to further their future careers. Each summer this was the same, they'd be off doing amazing things and I'd be in L.A. chilling, because I never really cared about internships, ( I wouldn't know what to intern for) and I was more that life will work it self out. But over that first summer we had sort of an email mailing list which I never knew about until that fall ( for reasons I don't want to get into in this post) but apparently my lack of activity in that forum led to notions of my demise. Apparently I didn't talk to any of them until I called one of my girlfriends for her birthday, which, according to her, pissed off a lot of our friends because they thought I wasn't as close to her as I was to them.
Anyway time passes, everything changes I stayed the same. My friends from high school I lost touch with; people graduate and move, and the same with my AmeriCorps team and google searches don't really help when one of your friend's name is Katie Holmes (damn you Tom Cruise.) But I don't think it was the whole "preparing for life/doing amazing things" vs. whatever I occupied my time with. Sophomore year when I was freaking out over a lot of things and possibly terrifying Theresa with my depressive/suicidal thoughts she laid out a theory. I think I was telling her about a dream that I always had when I was really clinically depressed of everyone I have ever known or been close to, being a face on a series of hills and how if I did kill myself they all would be affected in some way, and how maybe I didn't get too close to people because I didn't want to be too close and then cause them more pain if I did commit suicide, hence my "distant" nature. And this came from my best and most important emotional friend. She probably was right at that point. I was quite unhappy with my life and being a boy and maybe I thought by forcing some distance, emotionally, between myself and others I would be in a way protecting them, though I think my distancing may have contributed to an aura of hidden mystery with me. I got that a lot. I'm sure my repressed transsexuality also helped to make me shut myself off to some people, to some extent.
The summertime separations were hard no lie, just because all of my friends were on the east coast where they could continue a sembalance of a social life, while I was stuck here with no one I know. But just like in high school the hope of the next school year and the knowledge that I would see them again sped the months along. But of course, as I am wont to do, while I was getting close to one group of people I became "too busy" to talk with some of my old friends. It seems that if they would call it would always be at a weird or bad time. And I never got around to calling them back. I think there was the fear of not knowing what to say, the fear of maybe our only real connection being our shared experiences without which our conversations would be full of awkwardness. The knowledge that our lives would never be so tightly wound again, that we were moving apart. But its not like I never stopped thinking about them I think I just stopped being confident in talking to them, like somehow I failed in some way.
That kind of thinking lead to a love of my life marrying someone else.
And actually I think thats it, thats what's troubling me right now. I think its the fact that, especially know when I've been called an inspiration and courageous by starting my transition that I feel pressure to be something extraordinary, to live some amazing life. And so I feel guilty about when my life consists of me being stressed and feeling inadequate and mocked by hidden glances. There just seems to be a life exemplar that I'm not living that I feel disappoints those who care about me. That and the fact I still can't get a job. And so I think i'm scared of that same old fear that with physical separation there will be an emotional one as well. I really feel this pressure and subconsciously hold onto this belief that without a job, at this point I'm a bit of a failure and so I'm embarrassed. I measure myself and find me lacking. Or maybe its that other fear that I'm really not interesting as a person and I have nothing interesting to say; that deep down we were never really friends but rather that connection was forged due to circumstance and common trial. Like now I have phone dates to schedule with some of my really good girl friends who are so far away and I'm just terrified, which is not okay. I think thats why I'm kind of liking my guy friends right now who I exchange taunting e-mails or drunken texts with; purely emotional less. And that safety blanket of knowing I'll see them back at Harvard Westlake or at Duke is gone and I think that uncertainty is something that is incredibly troubling, that playtime is over and the real world is all I'll know from now on; I need to get through that but I don't know how to yet. (Oh and the fact I'm a girl now may complicate a few of my relations with friends from high school. I would love to go our athletic alumni reunion but I'm sure that would not go over well. Or smoothly. But just most of those friendships are out until a move is made on either side. So frustrating.)
And though I keep in touch with aim and facebook and whatever they just seem so false and tinny. I'm not sure if I could call someone, like verbally at this point. I'm not sure my voice would stand for it. Plus I hate my voice right now.
But there are some people I do make an effort to reach out to and I think the fact that they haven't reciprocated is really exacerbating my feelings. I really need to work through my self esteem issues. And realize these people actually do care about who I really am, and they are maybe the only ones on this whole planet who do. And to lose them as I fear I have lost everyone else would be the worst thing I could do, in the near future or for the whole of my life. Maybe my therapists would help me get rid of this self doubt; I just wish I could trust her as much as I do this blank screen.Maybe I do do better at a distance and maybe I'm that egotistical where I want to only say my piece and control the flow of a conversation to direct it away from anything I'm not comfortable with. But that's not okay. I'm tying to be open and truthful in every aspect of my life and I feel that to keep anything from my friends is a cop out and a lie. I really need to let go and trust and hope for the best in all aspects of my life, especially one so vital and needed and vital. I think what I need more than anything is an unsolicited I Love You.
But this too will pass. Once I get this damn elusice job I'll feel better about myself and feel like a person. Until then I'm going to try to keep writing letters to Hubby every month at least, and also to Suj and maybe that will be my means of communication to all my friends. It really does convey such a sense of humanity and personality, of care and thoughtfulness which is what I want all my friends to feel about me. That I do love them more than anything. And I'm done otherwise this will end up being more of the same than it's already been. Ugh I feel like Eric Carmen, like way too much like Eric Carmen.

Yeah all of the above? It probably made no sense.

okay and as I wrote Hubby today one more instance came to memory, that I'm not sure if I wrote above but I can't read my own writing. Anyway it was about how a girl, a friend of mine in like 2nd or 3rd grade went to live in Africa with her parents, who I think we're doctors, and I promised to write her and send her tapes of her favorite show, Rescue 911. I of course never did and never read the letter she wrote to me, I think. Oh and a "romantic rival" of mine for her asked me to send her a tape, which was him singing a Color Me Badd song which I listened to and then lost someplace in my closet. I think that incident shaped my life.

oh and 30 Rock is so damn hilarious. There was a brilliant joke tonight about family skeletons in the closet and Jack Donaghy, in passing mentioned his brother Tim who "bet on NBA games." It was great for me.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

Are You the Favorite Person of Anybody?


This video by Miranda July (who is the first survey respondent and the owner of the coolest name ever) really made me think, more so than I like to do on a Friday. I was trying to rack my mind to see if I was the favorite person of anybody. I know for my friends I'm one of their favorites ( or at least I hope), but to be the favorite, the one person who means more to someone and you enjoy more than any other, I know I'm not even close. And though that would be a tremendous honor if I was any one's favorite knowing me that title would freak me out and make me insecure that I need to live up to such high esteem. I would think I'm the favorite person of at least my cats, but then I realized they love whoever finds and holds them. Sluts.

But then as I was thinking about it more I realized that I don't have a favorite person. I have a ton of people I love and who mean the world to me, like a few people from AmeriCorps, Theresa and Hubby but there is no favorite among them. It is such a hard question and in a way if I was able to answer it I think that would be like disrespecting everyone that I didn't pick. Or maybe I would feel the need to pick out their flaws as to why they couldn't be my favorite, which wouldn't be fair at all.

Even if you're in a relationship I don't think that person would necessarily become your favorite, or at least that's how it's been with me in the past. A lot of the times I would rank a friend higher in the grand scale. And if you have a kid, what happens once you have the second? (I've heard) You're not supposed to play favorites.

I don't know, but I'm sure I'll think about the question a lot in the coming days but do you have a favorite person or think you are the favorite person of someone, oh ye mythical reader? I would love to hear about it in the comments. It seems like it would be a wonderful thing to know.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

TMI: The Come Outs

So thinking about coming out and all that jazz today made me remember how I've come to my current place where I have nothing left to hide and too many people know way too much about me. But as I'm sure I've mentioned before I really dislike the phrase "coming out." Maybe it is more my self perception but I never really thought of myself as closeted really, though I guess my transsexuality was closeted behind the facade of just being a gay guy, so I wasn't in the closet but I was very close maybe. I'm trying to recall the only times people asked me if I was gay; once when I was like 11 and had no idea what my uncles were talking about so I said no because they made it sound really bad, the next time by my pediatrician when I was 13 and my mom had discovered some Victoria's Secret lingerie which I spent like all my allowance on, I think ,when asked by him about if i would have sex with guys or girls I replied girls, but I was at that age where I knew enough not to say guys and finally in the back of my chemistry class in 1oth or 11th grade when Katie, the girl I thought I was in love with (and maybe really was) asked me if I was gay. I at first misheard her and thought she was asking me if I was okay but when she clarified I said no because I didn't think I was and it is kind of weird to be asked by the "girl" you dig and tried to show affection to if you're gay, though looking back I think a lot of our time was spent in girl talk and me writing poetry. The only time since high school was in AmeriCorps when we were working in Sandy Hook New Jersey painting a hallway; it was one of those boring days so we were playing Truth or Truth and they asked me, they being a lesbian and a girl I was strangely attracted to who's grandmother was a lesbian, if I was gay. I replied I didn't know and they accepted it at that (though very soon afterwards one of those girls spent the night, yada yada very weird)
I really think everyone since then just assumed I was gay because as one of my friends told me I had "professorial hand gestures" which is an amazing description that I don't actually understand.
But all of the above were memories of denial instead of memories of coming out so let's move on. The first time I came out as a transsexual was my senior year in high school and I really am trying to recall what sparked it. i think it was around my 18th birthday and so I was getting kind of depressed because I guess I thought that 18 was the age and if I didn't do anything then. transition wise, I'd never be able to do it, or something like that. So one of my girl friends, who I let read a book of my poems, which she's lost over the years but whatevs, I told her during the middle of the school day and after asking me to clarify the basics about me feeling trapped yada yada she was quite accepting of it, though the fact that I waited until then where it was close enough to the end of the year where I could never have to see her again if it didn't work out gave me some safety. Later on during AmeriCorps Bethany when we were pillow talking somehow it came out that I had hooked up with boys which she was really fine with considering her dad is a southern evangelical preacher. I guess the second time I came out as transsexual was sophomore year and I really don't know how this came out. Oh wait yeah I do. Okay rewind. At Duke there is a preorientation program for freshman called Project BUILD and sophomore year I was one of the crew leaders. Every night of the week, in order to get to know one another and build bonds one person would give an interview where they would talk about their lives and any secrets or fears they wanted to share to be kept confidential by the team of course. My other team leaders were one of my favorite people who happened to be a lesbian, and a girl from france. For some reason, maybe because it was on my mind, or maybe because I felt comfortable in authority and wanted to give a memorable interview I resolved to come out and to have my interview on the last night. So we went into Biddle our music building and I came out to 6 other people, including a tobacco farmer from Greenville North Carolina. I don't remember if I cried during it or if any of our crewlettes understood what I was saying but it really helped me. So a few weeks later when I was drunk one night I promised Theresa I would tell her a secret another night. I guess she was sober because she remembered and soI pulled her aside one night and I don't know how much I explained or was capable of explaining but I remember her reaction " I knew there was something about you" Then maybe a week or so later when I was at some party a girl and I started hooking up and I told Theresa that I was going to reassert masculinity to which she replied "however it goes, whatever happens I'll love you just the same" god I heart that girl. Nothing major did end up happening that night and she eventually came out as a lesbian, a pretty butch one so life is strange that way that I'm now a lot more femme than she is.
I think the next coming out happened in Rome and these were all so so random. One night I was sitting outside of a club on Capri smoking with two of the girls from Trinity and once again I don't remember how these conversations get on these topics but I came out to them and we discussed boys for a bit and then that night, or maybe the next when I was walking back to the hotel I think i said something and Lena, another Trinity girl was like "you're gay? but you don't look gay." And now is when the story gets fun. So at the end of sophomore year one of my hyper prepared friends decided that the guys should get a house together for senior year and they included me in these plans. I was very noncommital because I could not see myself living with guys senior year but as I was in Rome and was talking more with two of my girlfriends we decided we should get an apartment for senior year. Word flowed back, as is bound to happen when they're both dating my guy friends and so one night I get a string of angry IMs asking me wtf is up and I tell them okay okay I'll explain. So it was our Fall break in Rome and I came back on a Tuesday from I think Naples and wrote a super long email telling them that I did't feel I could live with them because I was a transsexal and thought it would be a lot better for my sanity if I lived with the girls, but that I was still the same guy who enjoyed beirut and whatever. The only text I typed in the email (I attached a word document) was bombs away and I sent it that night as I was freaking out about it to Mara online. When one of my guy friends IM'd me after I sent it and asked me if I was there I totally freaked out and listened to Mara when she said I should go to bed. The next morning I went to the Papal weekly address and then spent the next 5 days traveling over Italy by train. When I got back and checked my email I got two brief letters of support from my guy friends and longer ones from Theresa and Suj, which really make me happy to this day. They all seemed quite proud of me and the girls were "blown away" that I wrote it to the guys but to me It was an incredibly cowardly way to come out. From across the Atlantic by e-mail as I was leaving my computer for a week and didn't have to see any of them for 4 months. But it served its purpose and they didn't get on me about not living with them anymore. I actually remember around that time I put up on Facebook that I was interested in Men which stressed me out far more than it should have.
Last year about this time, hmm. Everyone knew or assumed that I liked boys and unbeknownst to me other things as well. In those coming out emails I apparently wrote something about you can tell whoever you want because it'd be better that way and so my guy friend in Paris actually did tell and tried to talk through it with people including a friend back at Duke who told other people, yada yada, gossip spreads.(and I just remembered one way I came out was at a party I was discussing one of my classes with an acquaintance. The current topic in class was the money shot and she wasn't feel it and in a moment of sympathy I told her that yeah I'd be on the recieving end of it. So bizarre) So when, in another cowardly or efficient manner I came out in the "about me" section of facebook that" I'm a transsexual and will be starting hormones soon " it confirmed a lot of things and the word spread further. Some of my friends were pissed that i didn't tell them the hormone news directly and personally but I explained it was just a getting things of my chest type thing and I didn't mean to diminsh their importance. I actually came out to my brother over AIM and he actually seemed to freak out and didn't take it well which was kind of shocking considering he's gay (though is close to 30 and still in the closet) so that pissed me off but I never really liked him anyway. And so second semester was just so bizarre. I think there was a week where I came out to a person or two every night, over dinner, at bars, a few times by going upstairs at parties and showing people the facebook account having them read it say wow and ask me questions. Everyone took it well because I think I only told girls and people who I trusted wouldn't freak out about it. Strangely enough the last people I came out to in person where my roommates because it seemed that they already knew it, but when I did they had questions that I guess they didn't know if they could ask me, mostly about health and practical stuff. Actually the whole coming out weeks were an orgy of people telling me how proud they were of me and at a certain point like I was telling random people like it was a compulsion like I couldn't keep it in anymore. After semi formal with Hubby her sorority president drove us back and in the car ride for some reason I came out to a girl I had never actually seen or know of before. (a few months later I came out to one of the Trinity girls through AIM; once again alcohol was involved) I had tried to come out to Hubby earlier that night after numerous vodka shots through the facebook reveal (people really don't read those things) but she said she already knew, that my friend in Paris told them when I sent the email and so they had known the whole time, which kind of pissed me off that that moment was taken away from me. Using facebook was totally convenient but it was kind of a crutch where I would use it to break the ice. It also spread the word further. But it was probably better that way. There were certain times when like I was certain that everyone knew and it was quite evident in the overly enthusaistic way people started to treat me.But I didn't have to do too much really just post something and let the gossip/news mill do it's thing.It spread on its own well enough so I didn't have to do anything big, though I did because I was talked into it. Senior Week we had a Senior Prom and after, I don't know 13 or so shots to steady my nerves I went all dolled up where a tonne of people I didn't know ended up talking to me and apparently I blew a lot of people's minds, people who thought that what I had written on facebook was just a joke (i still don't find the humor in such a joke, especially one that was on there for months) So at that point everyone who needed to know knew and basically everyone in my class did as well. At Myrtle for beach week was like the first time I was treated like a girl, just because everyone knew and didn't care. Though I did find out later that me coming out had freaked out my guy friends who I guess didn't understand it but never really felt comfortable asking me about it. And I had noticed that distance increasing, but my closeness with so many others more than made up for it. But I still hadn't come out to my mom, which I had planned on doing when she came down for Graduation, but you can read that story here and here.
SO in short I've come out through e-mail, group settings, facebook, IM, by forwarding of e-mails, word of mouth, face to face and by wearing a dress. Oh and through assumptions and slow realizations as well.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Catching Up With....

...Patrick Johnson or "Cyborg" as all of my friends and I call him. That moniker came from a column written by Rob Goodman, who was the best Duke Chronicle columnist, probably ever, in the spring of my sophomore year 2005 where he posed a question "Patrick Johnson:Cyborg?"
Yes. Or to be more perfectly accurate: Most likely. but I’d be lying if I said I was drawn to Johnson merely as a human-interest story. Rather, my attention was caught by the large, black brace obscuring most of his left arm. First, in person during the home victory over Wake Forest and later, on television during the loss to UNC, Johnson’s brace stood out to me, arresting the eye like glaring asymmetry. The brace is meant, ostensibly, to stabilize a shoulder injury sustained in a January 13 win over Wake Forest. But I have my doubts. I refer you to a Duke University Medical Center press release from the fall of 2003: “Monkeys Consciously Control a Robot Arm Using Only Brain Signals; Appear to ‘Assimilate’ Arm As If It Were Their Own.”

[skipping ahead]

No current member of the men’s basketball team would have been a better candidate for cybernetic enhancement than Patrick Johnson. The health of a J.J. Redick or a Shelden Williams could not have been chanced; by electing to enhance a reserve, Coach K would have been risking nothing. And should Johnson emerge by the end of the season as a cyborg gamebreaker, no opposing coach will have had time to prepare for him.
In fact, Johnson-as-cyborg would explain a great deal: the extra year of eligibility (when he will be fully functioning), the senior-year athletic scholarship (in return for undergoing experimental surgery) and, of course, the mysterious black shoulder brace. In accord with Occam’s Razor, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. So let me leave you with this question: When Johnson started against Wake at home, played two minutes and was warmly embraced by Coach K and his Duke teammates upon his return to the bench, was it the celebration of a role player finally getting his moment in the spotlight, or of the unholy union of man and machine? It is not, I admit, an airtight case; that’s for the news pages. But this is opinion. In my opinion, Patrick Johnson is a cyborg.

It was brilliant and airtight enough for us and so from that moment on we called him Cyborg which is one of my favorite nicknames for anyone really. He was one of those players where if he was coming into the game late it was usually a good sign that we were up big or winning, but you never wanted to see him come in in the thick of the game because it meant that Shelden was in foul trouble (Shelden was too strong to be injured.) That was an indication of our lack of any inside help and thinness on the front line when he played big minutes in the 2005-2006 season (and as a quick aside since there is another white Johnson currently on the team, who only gets in in garbage time and wears the number 51, Steve Johnson is obviously Cyborg version 2.o with new advances where his robotic arm doesn't need that protective sheath.) But he was one of those guys that obviously wasn't the most skilled but walked on at first, for the love of the game and of Duke and always tried his hardest. And obviously was living a dream. You had to love him for that.

The intrepid (fun word) editor over at Scrapper Nation interviewed Cyborg about life after Duke basketball (though he didn't delve into what it must be like to live with a robotic and all powerful arm.) Apparently Cyborg is now varsity coach at Claremont High School and is married, which is a truly lovely thing. But this interview was so bitter sweet for me. I tbrought back great memories:

What would you say is your fondest memory from being in a Duke uniform?
My fondest memory of being in a Duke uniform is the UNC game at Carolina during my sophomore year. Chris Duhon won the game on a full-court buzzer beating layup and we all rushed the court. There is nothing like beating North Carolina.

I remember that game. it was our first Duke-Carolina game freshmen year and when Duhon hit that shot everyone in my commons room went nuts, we called a friend's brother who was a UNC fan and mocked him and celebrated on the East Campus quad before heading over to K-Ville to meet the bus as they got back and high fiving all of them. Shavlik Randolph was really into it and started chest bumping people and moshing and left. And then in typical awkward Shav fashion he came back like 5 minutes later asking us to help him look for his key which he lost during the chest bumping frenzy. I think I was too hungover and celebratory to go to class the next day. It was one of my favorite memories.

That was the sweet. Here's the bitter

What about the most disappointing moment?

The most dissapointing moment of my career was either the Final Four loss to UConn in my sophomore year or the Sweet 16 loss to LSU in my senior year because I thought we had a great chance to win a championship in both years. Uconn was tough because we were so close, but LSU was tough because it was the last time I would get to put on a uniform.

I will forever hate UConn for that. I have never seen the last minute or so of that game because at the time my head was in my hands and I was crying. We should have won that game and then we would have blown out Georgia Tech in the finals. Ugh And then when we left Cameron where they were showing the game all the news crews were trying to interview us. I fucking hate UCONN and everyone associated with that team. I'm still not over it 4 years later. And then that LSU was probably the worst because I know that was our last chance to win while I was at Duke and we just played like shit. When the game was over I really turned off the lights in my apartment sat at our table with a handle of vodka and a shot glass. I should have two titles. Still not over that either.

But because Cyborg was such a regular guy, such a "scrapper" to use the terminology he probably felt that exact pain and so will always hold a place in my heart (awww.) Seriously though, Cyborg was the shit.

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Friday, October 5, 2007

Drink of the Week:Proust Edition

because I am the preeminent Proust scholar in America.
Anyway I saw that I think next weekend is Homecoming Weekend at Duke and people were excited about seeing each other again and at tailgate and so I got desperately nostalgic, desperate because I had no ideas for a cocktail for "drink of the week", and nostalgic because of boredom. Being nostalgic made my mind turn to a remembrance of things past or À la recherche du temps perdu (In Search of Lost Time) and from their to the idea of if Proust mentioned a cocktail recipe or if, in the subsequent decades, in elite literary dives a drink had been inspired by him and enjoyed by the intelligentsia
I didn't find anything that well known or popular but I did find an article by Alison Hallet reviewing the portland restaurant teno1 where her friend had "the Proust." Simply amazing- i love google sometimes.
Here are the ingredients- it being a drink prepared by a bar, i don't have the ratios but experimentation with drinks is the best form of alchemy (and if you know what the official recipe is, if you would send me an email I would love you forever :)
The Proust
cognac
grenadine
champagne
mint

But of course when you think of Marcel, as you obviously do, only one food comes to mind- the madeleine:
She sent for one of those squat, plump little cakes called "petites madeleines," which look as though they had been moulded in the fluted valve of a scallop shell. And soon, mechanically, dispirited after a dreary day with the prospect of a depressing morrow, I raised to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had soaked a morsel of the cake. No sooner had the warm liquid mixed with the crumbs touched my palate than a shudder ran through me and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary thing that was happening to me. An exquisite pleasure had invaded my senses, something isolated, detached, with no suggestion of its origin. And at once the vicissitudes of life had become indifferent to me, its disasters innocuous, its brevity illusory - this new sensation having had on me the effect which love has of filling me with a precious essence; or rather this essence was not in me it was me. I had ceased now to feel mediocre, contingent, mortal. Whence could it have come to me, this all-powerful joy? I sensed that it was connected with the taste of the tea and the cake, but that it infinitely transcended those savours, could, no, indeed, be of the same nature. Whence did it come? What did it mean? How could I seize and apprehend it?


so here's a recipe for madeleine cookies as well. I wouldn't recommend dipping it in the Proust-tea probably works much better

Madeleine Cookie Recipe

8 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
Pinch of salt
3 large eggs, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

  1. In a small heavy saucepan, heat the butter over medium heat just until very light golden brown and fragrant, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool until tepid.
  2. In a small bowl, using a wire whisk, stir together the flour, baking powder and salt until well blended.
  3. In bowl of electric mixer, beat the eggs and sugar at medium-high speed until the mixture has tripled in volume and forms a thick ribbon when the beaters are lifted. Lower the speed to medium and beat in the vanilla.
  4. Using a large rubber spatula, fold the flour mixture into the beaten eggs in three additions. Fold in the cooled melted butter in three additions, then fold in the chocolate chips. Cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes, until slightly firm.
  5. Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 375 degrees.
  6. Generously butter two, l2-mold Madeleine pans with 3-inch long depressions (available at Williams-Sonoma or other kitchen specialty stores). Using a pastry brush, paint the Madeline cups with a light coating of the browned butter and flour mixture, wiping any pools that form in the bottom of the molds; set aside (refrigerate in warm weather). Could spray pans with Bakers Joy instead.
  7. Drop a generous tablespoonful of the batter into the center of each prepared mold, leaving the batter mounded in the center. (This will result in the typical "humped" appearance of the Madeleine.)
  8. Bake the Madeleine for l2 to l5 minutes, until the edges are golden brown and the centers spring back when lightly touched. Batter will spread out to fill the cups, and will gradually swell up into a hump in the middle.
  9. They are done when lightly browned around the edges, and when they begin to shrink very slightly from the molds. Remove the pans from the oven and rap each pan sharply against a countertop to release the Madeleine. Transfer the Madeleines, smooth sides up, to wire racks to cool.
  10. When serving dust with confectioners sugar.
all you need for a great weekend-cookies and cognac.
salute.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Overheard in L.M.E.- Of Poets, Parades and Pirates

from the early evening of the 25 of September of 2007

ev livid e: if only Tedward would call back
ev livid e: he's been elusive
a dam e: he is like that
a dam e: a creeper
ev livid e: a grim reaper
a dam e: riding around on an old street sweeper
ev livid e: he may be a fickle friend but he's a keeper
a dam e: awww you're so sweet you turned my eyes to weepers
ev livid e: ( i love how we can catch on to each other's games and there's no need to explain anything. [SAPPINESS REDACTED])
a dam e: ([SAPPINESS REDACTED])
ev livid e: times square used to be full of hos and peepers
a dam e: or scary drug dealers with those old fashioned beepers
ev livid e: thank god i don't live back then, jeepers!
a dam e: especially with the sewage pipes then or as they called them seepers
ev livid e: but somethings i still like, tea parties with pots and steepers
a dam e: i enjoy those parties too but with coffee the night goes deeper
ev livid e: i don't like caffeine, it makes my heart become a leaper
a dam e: ( i already used weeper, right?)
ev livid e: yas
a dam e: and if there were many more like you the piles would then be called heap. ers
ev livid e: and if there were people who ate sheep, they'd be called sheep. ers.
a dam e: (haha a totally new element has been thrown into the game)
ev livid e: syllables!
a dam e: ok i think i surrender
a dam e: eep
a dam e: is hard
ev livid e: as lard
a dam e: dried out in a yard
ev livid e: under the sun's watchful guard
ev livid e: (im so poetic. LME!)
a dam e: i wonder what would say The Bard?
ev livid e: he would say alas, i far'd
a dam e: and they then would laugh "oh what a card"
ev livid e: and then i'd become a pirate and har har har'd
a dam e: and fight with Hook and end up scar'd
ev livid e: and then say oops i far'd
ev livid e: (again)
a dam e: hahah
a dam e: and pretty soon from the room you'd be bar'd
ev livid e: unless you made hook hard
ev livid e: (ohhhh! i went there! and i came back!)
a dam e: (yes you did hahah)
ev livid e: i meant the metal
a dam e: and such a sight would leave small wenches jar'd
a dam e: hahah
ev livid e: like im a chem pro
ev livid e: come on
ev livid e: what were you thinking about
a dam e: (either way)
ev livid e: ahahaha
a dam e: well...
ev livid e: im a winnner!
a dam e: you deserve it
ev livid e: gold stars
ev livid e: parade
ev livid e: balloons
ev livid e: cookies
a dam e: you went that extra step
ev livid e: petting zoo
ev livid e: candy
ev livid e: cupcakes
ev livid e: flowers
ev livid e: crown
a dam e: puppy dogs
a dam e: and rain
ev livid e: no!
ev livid e: that was a list of things i want as a winner
ev livid e: if i win anything, thats what i want
ev livid e: also free apartment in paris. for life.
a dam e: good part
ev livid e: oooh
ev livid e: ahhh
a dam e: or ethnic part
ev livid e: ethnic?
ev livid e: hard hook?
ev livid e: pirates is an ethnicity?
a dam e: no ethnic immigrant part of paris
ev livid e: hi im asian. what are you? PIRATE
ev livid e: i love it
ev livid e: you can't spell hate without pirate
ev livid e: and you can't TAPE
ev livid e: or RIP
ev livid e: or IP
ev livid e: or TIP
ev livid: or RAP
ev livid e: or PAIR
ev livid e: or PEAR
ev livid e: (god this is a fascinating word!)

(and yes we are huge nerds.)

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Saturday, September 22, 2007

Happy 80th Birthday Tommy


Today is Tommy Lasorda's 80th Birthday and I would not be a Dodger fan if I didn't spread the gospel of this man and how much I live him and wish he was my grampa. He coached the Dodgers for twenty years (and it's quite obvious the downhill slope of our team since then) won 2 titles and, to cement his place as the best manager ever he led the United States to a win in the 2000 Olympics when no one expected him too. And so to the greatest Dodger alive I wish him an amazing birthday.

Some quotes

  • About the only problem with success is that it does not teach you how to deal with failure.
  • All last year we tried to teach him Fernando Valenzuela English, and the only word he learned was million.
  • Always give an autograph when somebody asks you.
  • Baseball is like driving, it's the one who gets home safely that counts.
  • Guys ask me, don't I get burned out? How can you get burned out doing something you love? I ask you, have you ever got tired of kissing a pretty girl?
  • I believe managing is like holding a dove in your hand. If you hold it too tightly you kill it, but if you hold it too loosely, you lose it.
  • I bleed Dodger blue and when I die, I'm going to the big Dodger in the sky.
  • I love doubleheaders. That way I get to keep my uniform on longer.
  • Listen, if you start worrying about the people in the stands, before too long you're up in the stands with them.
  • Managing is like holding a dove in your hand. Squeeze too hard and you kill it, not hard enough and it flies away.
  • My theory of hitting was just to watch the ball as it came in and hit it.
  • No, we don't cheat. And even if we did, I'd never tell you.
  • People say you can't go out and eat with your players. I say why not.
  • Pressure is a word that is misused in our vocabulary. When you start thinking of pressure, it's because you've started to think of failure.
  • The difference between the possible and the impossible lies in a person's determination.
  • The only way I'd worry about the weather is if it snows on our side of the field and not theirs.
  • There are three types of baseball players: those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and those who wonder what happens.
  • When we win, I'm so happy I eat a lot. When we lose, I'm so depressed, I eat a lot. When we're rained out, I'm so disappointed I eat a lot.


seriously you have to love a man who speaks truth /suffers fools lightly (like this) or has such wisdom such as this


or this


and any man that causes such a reaction from the Giants is obviously a Great and Just man

The following is from Tommy's Blog:

You know, when I was a kid we didn't have fancy birthday parties with lots of presents. Every Christmas my four brothers and I would get the same thing every year; a scarf and gloves. As I look back on my life I am still in awe. I still can't believe how it turned out. Who ever could have dreamed that the son of an Italian immigrant from Norristown, Pennsylvania, who was the third-string pitcher on the high school baseball team, would end up managing the Dodgers for 20 years?

Who ever could have dreamed that a guy like me who has never stepped foot in college would give six commencement addresses and have six honorary doctorate degrees?

Who ever could have dreamed that I would shake hands with Presidents Nixon and Ford? Hug President Carter? Befriend Presidents Reagan and Bush? Meet President Clinton and George W. Bush?

Who ever could have dreamed I would hang out with the great Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles and travel the world with them?

Who ever could have dreamed that I would join a fraternity of only 15 managers to make it to the Hall of Fame? As I stood at the podium in Cooperstown making my induction speech I told the story of when I was 14 years old. I would actually dream that I was playing for the Yankees and pitching at Yankee Stadium. I would look around the diamond and see Bill Dickey, Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. Than I would feel my mother shaking me, saying, "Wake up Tommy. It's time to go to school."

Why didn't she leave me alone? Why couldn't I stay in the dream? It was so real!

Standing on that stage in Cooperstown with all the greatest baseball players in the world behind me, I said, "I thank God for all of this, and it won't be too long before I feel my mother shaking me, telling me to wake up because it's time to go to school."

I have lived a dream. Thank you.


No thank you Tommy and may the Great Dodger in the sky watch over you and may you live another 80 years!

(and this was the main reason i decided to post today.)

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Friday, September 21, 2007

A Song I Wish I Could've Written

because this is what I'm feeling right now.
Yeah I haven't been having the best couple of days lately, and the cold in the air is probably beginning to affect me but maybe it's why this song sums up how I feel right now, except for the true love part- I've never had one. If I'm ever able to write anything half as good as this I could gladly die.
Anyway it is a most beautiful song by Janis Ian, a song whose title I'm sure must have been inspired by the movie:

Tea & Sympathy

I don't want to ride the milk train anymore
I'll go to bed at nine and waken with the dawn
And lunch at half past noon and dinner prompt at five
The comfort of a few old friends long past their prime

Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone

When the guests have gone, I'll tidy up the rooms
And turn the covers down, and gazing at the moon
Will pray to go quite mad and live in long ago
When you and I were one, so very long ago

Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone

When I have no dreams to give you anymore
I'll light a blazing fire and wait within the door
And throw my life away, "I wonder why?" they all will say
And now I lay me down to sleep, forever and a day

Pass the tea and sympathy, for the good old days are dead
Let's drink a toast to those who best survived the life they've led
It's a long, long time 'til morning, so build your fires high
Now I lay me down to sleep, forever by your side.


lyrics from Janis Ian.com

Janis Ian- Tea & Sympathy (mp3) buy Between the Lines

(second in an occasional series)

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Seeing Old Friends

Okay this is random and will interest only pretty much people who were my year at H-W or who went to Brown, so if you're not within that 1/1000 of a percent skip ahead.
Anyway this is one of the joys of being jobless, you get to enjoy those wonderful daytime commercials which seem to be geared towards housewives, people who are disabled, old or people who are trying to go to Technical school. Or for degenerate gamblers. It was an ad for Absolute Poker.net (i'm not sure if there's an absolute poker.com) and I though someone at the table in the beginning looked familiar so I didn't immediately turn it off but watched more intently to see if my eyes weren't betraying me

I know "Dan"! We slept in the same tent on a Catalina beach on our 8th grade retreat, we took improv classes together, he played football. I remember when he broke up with the girl he had went out with for much of high school, his senior year in college. And I know it's a horrible commercial and won't be winning any Clios, and it's not anything as big as being on 30 Rock (yay Bridget) or writing a cover story for People (yay Amy) or dating starlets (ummm), but it's still fun and strange to see someone you know feigning enthusiasm about not taking calculus and looking exactly the same as he did 6 years ago; still a little goofy. I guess it was just good to see an old familiar face. I hadn't really though of Teddy, but it's nice to know he's doing pretty well.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Your Beyond Amazing, Simply Perfect Stuck in My Head Song of the Day

First a confession, because if I achieve nothing else on this site I try to be totally honest, I could not think of a single song that was in my head today. The only thing I could think of was Juliette Lewis' cover of PJ Harvey's "Hardly Wait" but it didn't feel right and the video didn't have the whole song. And after my last post, which I think sucks, and the alcohol in my system I got rather emotional and tried to find a perfect song that would convey what I was feeling, whatever this indescribable feeling is, or at least something related to the last post. So I skipped through songs in my library for about 90 minutes, discarded some immediately, thinking others would have to do, and thinking about maybe just saying fuck it and not having one tonight. Because after having a lot of really good posts today the last two, the most important two would end up being horrible.All the while feeling like more of a failure and getting closer and closer to crying.
But then Radiohead's True Love Waits began to play (or more specifically Thom Yorke's solo version from a school benefit) and I began to think, naturally, of Hubby and how this is the first Thursday Thursday that I haven't spoken to her, through e-mail at the least, and how this is the first of too too many until September of 2009, and it is kind of like love; you know when you know and I knew that no other song would be so perfect, no other song could take me out of my weird drunken state of self pity than one that makes me think of her. And the song is beyond tremendous, one of my top 10 all time I'd say,I can't even describe it really. So i won't even try but leave you with the lyrics here and a mp3 version below, with a youtube performance in between.


Radiohead- True Love Waits (mp3)
Man I love that band. God, I really miss Julia. Okay I'm going to cry happier tears when I fall asleep tonight. I guess that's enough.

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Things that are too cool/trendy for me

but of course I still want to experience.

  • For the teenager who spent 500 hours (!) hacking an iPhone in order to make it work on any carrier to give it to me. I mean I'd trade it. For, hmm... let's say I'd give him a hug. I have a feeling it would be the most female affectation he's ever gotten.(I mean seriously! could you not shower and wash your hair before the photographer came? Or did they sneak in on you at that exact moment when you finally hacked into it and you were surprised?) This kid is soo going to be richer than I can even imagine.

  • But who needs a tonne of money when you have a house this cool.The Single Hauz, which looks like a thicker billboard, just seems so awesome. And plus the cachet of having it before most people is priceless. Sure you won't be able to throw huge keggers (or probably even small dinner, but who needs friends anyway? And this way you always have an excuse not to have houseguests.
  • Yeah friends are overrated. Though I really want to get so many of these Hug Shirts to send to them for those moments when I want to be utterly sentimental or we both need to know someone else is there and cares (awww)
  • Once again another thing I want is for Americans to sacrifice their SUVs for the good of the world. Just like Prospective President John Edwards says.
  • I'm calling it now Interstellar will be the greatest movie ever. Directed by Spielberg. A plot written by Jonathan Nolan concerning wormholes and other hypotheses Einstein was never able to prove? There's no way it won't be amazing. God I can't wait. Now I have another reason to wish for 2009 to come sooner. I see no point in 2008.
  • For us as US Americans to finally get the truly accurate maps we need. I think these would do quite nicely.
  • To have my very own Mclovin id. What's that? I can? Well, isn't that just special.
  • And finally for the new American Gladiators to be just as awesome as the original one. It was and is still the greatest competition show on tv. Don't screw it up or "update it" too much. We don't need to see the contestants train or learn their personalities; that's far too common and boring ( I will choose who to root for, thank you very much) Just keep the spandex and the big hair, but failing that... Please keep the cheesy names. Ah Nitro, Lace and who can forget Malibu? I've never been happier about the Fall. So. Excited.

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Speeches that Fail At Expressing What I'm Feeling

but come the closest of any that I've been able to think of right now.
I totally had another path or idea for a speech but then I got an e-mail from Hubby, which will be her last for the next two years, and it was really beautiful and was what I needed to hear (though I didn't know it before then) and I got really emotional and tried to find some speech or monologue that summed up feelings of love and life and that even though time passes slow, true love survives. Something about the beauty of it all. I'm not sure exactly. So I spent the last few hours racking my brain and searching youtube, and of course a lot of the ones I could think of weren't on youtube but these got really close.
Here's Woody Allen from Hannah and Her Sisters discovering, in his own way the beauty of life:

"They're funny, and what if the worst is true? There's no God, you only go around once, that's it. Don't you want to be part of the experience? It's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself 'I should stop ruining my life searching for answers and just enjoy it while it lasts.' And after, who knows? Maybe there is something. I know "maybe" is a slim reed to hang your life on ... but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back…and I actually began to enjoy myself."


This is from Moonstruck. I was sort of opposed to this movie, because it seemed cheesy and starred Cher, but it is one of my friends, Kelsey from Bowdoin, with whom I was in Rome, it's her favorite movie so we watched it and I fell in love. It's such a great, fun and gorgeous movie. Nic Cage has never been better, or more beautiful (emotionally) in his own way. I think that is a fantastic way to think about life and love as imperfect and sometimes messy, but really that's what makes it fun and worthwhile.

"I love you. Not like they told you love is and I didn't know this either. But love don't make things nice, it ruins everything! It breaks your heart, it makes things a mess. We're not here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us! Not US! We are here to ruin ourselves and...and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and...and DIE...I mean the storybooks are bullshit."


And finally this is one of may favorite scenes from Philadelphia. I only saw this movie for the first time recently, because I don't like to be sad, I still like my Tom Hanks comical, and I've never gotten around to it, but it was quite worth it. It's not necessarily a speech but music is what gets us closest to our true, pure unfettered or unfiltered souls. Plus I love the song and Maria Callas. Just beautiful.

"It was during this sorrow that Love came to me. In a voice filled with harmony it said 'Live Still. I am Life. Heaven is in your eyes... I am Divine. I am Oblivion. I am the god that comes down from the Heavens to the Earth and makes of the Earth a Heaven. I am LOVE... I am love."

Y'know, maybe those did get close enough after all.

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