Thursday, February 14, 2008

LOLBible- Famous Scriptures If Written By LOLCats

As if some divine feline, Celing Cat had imparted her infinite and absolute wisdom to her beloved cats to inscribe and share.
Oh wait, she did in what may be my new favorite thing and the absolute best thing ever
The LOLCat Bible Translation Project

In the Beginning (Genesis Chapter 1)
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.

3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1

6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.

9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.

11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.

14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.

20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.

24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.

26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.

27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.

28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.

29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.

31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.


The Ten Commandments

1 Then Ceiling Cat spoked all them werds:

2 I iz Ceiling Cat An I iz Top Cat, An I broughted u out of hawt lend wit no cheezbrgrs for hard werk at all

3 No can has other ceiling cat!! U gotz other Ceiling Cat, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.

4 If u try be Ceiling Cat of any of mai creayshunz up in floaty skai, down in erth or in watr or I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes.5 If u think faek Ceiling Cat iz Ceiling Cat, I mek u ded An ur children ded An ur children-children ded, for being stupid.6 If not I wuv u An all ur childrenz-childrenz-childrenz!

7 U sez Ceiling Cat bad, I shoot yous wit mah lazer eyes, cuz I dun liek it. Srsly.

8 Remembur caturday An keep holy.9 U werk 6 dais An finish werk, K?10 Caturday, u no werk. U An all ur peepz go wrship me.11 I maded heavenz An erth An see An the stuff that does teh funney hoppey stuffz in An on it - so I make it holy cuz I no werk.

12 Bez u good to papa An mama so u has long lief.

13 U no maek peepz ded! Srsly!

14 U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).

15 U no taek stuffs for free if not getz for free.

16 U no tell bad stuff about ur neibor.

17 U no wantz neibor stuff! No wief, no gurlz, no menz, no animulz, NO BUKKITZ! DEY NOT UR BUKKITZ, K?


23rd Psalm
1 Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.

2 He letz me sleeps in teh sunni spot
an haz liek nice waterz r ovar thar.

3 He makez mai soul happi
an maeks sure I go teh riet wai for him. Liek thru teh cat flap insted of out teh opin windo LOL.

4 I iz in teh valli of dogz, fearin no pooch,
bcz Ceiling Cat iz besied me rubbin' mah ears, an it maek me so kumfy.

5 He letz me sit at teh taebl evn when peepl who duzint liek me iz watchn.
He givz me a flea baff an so much gooshy fud it runz out of mai bowl LOL.

6 Niec things an luck wil chase me evrydai
an I wil liv in teh Ceiling Cats houz forevr

Ecclesiastes 3 (the inspiration for The Byrds’ Turn! Turn! Turn! )
1 sup. there has is a sison 4 everthing, and a tiems 4every purpos under teh ceiling, lol.

2 a tiemz 2 get kittehs, an a tiems 2 get ded.

3 tiemz 2 mades cookies, an also tiems 2 cheezburgers.

4 teimz 2 hugs, and loltims 4 buttsecks. u gets teh pichur.

9 what gud is it the kitteh from all that trbl?10 i has sees what all teh mans did ther, from teh ceiling cat11 teh ceiling cat mades teh bestes cookies and cheezbuergrs. but he aslo mades us wantz the invisibl sandwhiches he keep up in teh ceiling, omg, nfw.12 i knows teh invisibil cheezcakes has are not filling, but better is to do gud, liek mading cookies, upgradin ram, ect., k, srsly.13 an also of cours teh surprize buttsecks wenever possibl, lol. ceiling cat sez so.14 teh buket of cookies meads by the ceiling catz, is ful 4ever. no wai. wai!

15 now iz alredez haz been eaten. ceiling catz wants moar but iz hungree lol.

16 in teh sun iz judgd teh cookeez, an teh wikid buttsecks, an thai dont compair to teh rightisnez of teh cheezbuergrs.

17 ceiling cat iz teh judge, jury, xecushioner 4 a purpiz. itz hiz job.

18 ceiling cat gits in the est8z of men's kidz an showz them hoos bestes, so they see they has buttsecks 2.19 4 kiddiez an bestes rofl; one dies, and then another; thez cant breeth from the lolz; men an bestes make a big buttsecks sandwhich to the ceiling. Thai likez it.20 evereeone cumz from teh littursbox an goez back when they takes a break.21 men and bestes upgradez and downgradez as ceiling cat watchus.

22 i knows what it looks liek, an we should be happy, 4 their iz plenty to share: who wants sum? wink wink. tis teh sison.

The Birth of Christ
18 Now, teh burth of teh Christ was liek dis: After Marry and Joseph waz all "We's gonna get marrieded, kthnx", but before dey could had hankiez pankiez Mary was all pr3ggerz from Teh Ceiling Cat.19 Joseph was liek "I has virjn - NOOOO dey be stealin my virjn! Must hied hur".20 But when he was tihnkin, zomg, a WallCat frm Ceiling Cat was liek, "Oh hai! I'm in ur dreemz, givin u messij. Don't be scairdy cat. Taek Mary as ur wife - is virjn. But teh Forse is strong in tihs wun, lol! HovrCat is on hur, givn hur feetus, srsly." So joseph was liek " Oh yey I'm gonna love him and squeez him and call him george."21 But Wallcat was liek "No, you gonna call him Jebus, cso George bad name, srsly. cuz he save kittehs frum bein bad kittehs. Kthxbai."22 So all dis was all did cuz Ceiling Cat had sed it wud be. His proffit was all liek:23 "Hay guise, look! teh virjn iz all pr3ggers, and dey gonna call him A-manual", dat be joospeek for "Ceiling Cat wit us"24 Then Joseph waked up, done wat teh anjel frm Ceiling Cat tolded him to, and was all liek "U wit me now lol" at Mary.25 And dey didnt has teh HARBL GOES WHERE!?!? til affer dey gets a son and calleded him Jebus. Kthnx.

The Beatitudes (or Teh Catitudes)
Wen he seez lotz kittehz, he climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too.

2 He sez hai and he teaches teh kittehs, he sez:

3 U r doin good if U iz liek a n00b on teh inside; U can has teh Ceiling.

4 U r doin good if U iz sad kitteh; U can has petting.

5 U r doin good if U no want 2 pwn otehr kittehz; U can has urths when otehr kittehz is daid.

6 U r doin good if U iz liek "I can has justices, plz?"; U can has it.

7 U r doin good if U no pwn teh n00bz; Ceiling Cat will not pwn U.

8 U r doin good if U is cleen on teh inside; Ceiling Cat not invisble 4 U.

9 U r doin good if U iz makin teh peece; Ceiling Cat is liek "U mi kittehz."

10 U r doin good if U iz pwned by otehr kittehz just coz U iz fair n reeznable; U can has Ceiling (and share it wif n00b on teh inside kittehz).

11 U r doin good if U iz pwned by otehr kittehz coz of me and thei make up stupid lies abt U, k?

12 B happy and make teh celebrazns coz u can has cookiez n cakez in Ceiling, cos itz liek wen kittehz pwned Ceiling Catz kittehz.

The Crucifixion (from Luke)

26 Whiel dey wuz draggin him awai dey seed Simon from Cyrene an maed him carri teh cross.27 Lotz of peepl wuz dere, includin sum ladiez who wuz cryin.28 Jesus wuz liek "U shudnt crai for me. U shud crai for urselvz an ur childrin.29 Bcz teh tiem wil com when u wil wish u nevr hadded eni childrin at all.30 Den
" 'u will be liek Mountinz, fall on us!"
an hillz, covr us!" '
31 If peepl do dis when there is cheezeburger, what thei do when thei can no has cheezeburger?"

32 Two othr d00dz wuz dere to be eksekutid. Dey wuz criminalz k.33 Dey caem to dis plaec called teh Skull (rock!) an crucified Jesus betwin teh criminalz.34 Jesus sed, "Ceiling Cat, forgiv dem, dey duzint know what dey iz doin." An teh guardz playd diec to desied who got Jesus's yarnz.

35 Evribodi maed fun of Jesus. Dey wuz liek "If he is Ceiling Cat's son he shud saev hizself."

36 Teh soljrz wuz liek "LOL" an gaev him vinigar to drink.37 Dey wuz liek "If u iz teh king of teh Jews, saev urself."

38 An dey putted a sien on him dat sed KING OF TEH J00Z LOL.

39 Wun of teh criminalz wuz bein all rude.

40 But teh othr wun wuz liek "Izint u afraid of Ceiling Cat? U gotted teh deth penalti too, remembr.41 We dizrv it, but Jesus didint do ennithin rong."

42 Den he wuz liem, "Jesus, remembr me when u getz bak to ur kingdm."

43 Jesus wuz liek "Todai u wil be wif me in hevn."

44 It wuz around six an it gotted dark for three hourz,45 bcz teh sun stoppted shinin. An teh curten in teh templ wuz torn in half. Dat wuz a mirakl, no wun wuz sharpnin dere clawz on it or nothin, srsly.46 Jesus wuz all "Ceiling Cat, I sendz mai spirit to u." An den he died :(

47 Roman kitteh see whut happin, say 2 Ceiling Cat "Jesus good kitteh, not should die D:"48 Teh ppl that saw gotted sad. Dey rode away wif invisible bike.49 Peeple taht knew Jesus (teh wummenz too, lol) from Galilee, dey staid 'n' wached.

50 Honurable man is honorrble, he name Joseph.51 When Cross happn he say "Do not want." Josph from Arimthtehea, he wantid Ceiling Cat 2 come.52 He say to Pilate, "I taik Jesus' body, kk?"53 He take down & wrap it in soft yarn and placed it in cave, whut was emptyt.54 Yay, verily, it was Caturday.

55 Teh wummenz what came wif Jesus from Galilee followeded Joseph saw tomb & yarn & body of Jesus.56 Dey go home and make nice Cheezburger. But dey rested on teh Sabbath 'cuz Ceiling Cat liek dat.


The Resurrection (Mark Version)
1 K so tehn on Mondy Mary Magdaln an Mary hoo wuz Jamses mom taekd sum spisez to rub on teh Jesus husk soes it dont stank. 2 An dey getz to teh cavez rly erly in teh mornan, liek sunries. 3 An dey wuz wundrin hoo wuz gunna maekded teh srsly big rokk door opind. 4 An dey lookded an seen teh door alredy opind. 5 And wen dey goed in teh caev dey seen a d00d thar in wite robes, an dey got skeert. 6 Teh d00d sez 'O HAI THAR, don be skeert. U comed heer lookin fer teh Jesus u lef heer, rite? He camed bak frum teh deds an aint heer no moar. 7 Now GTFO an txt Hiz d00dz an Pete an tell em dat dey can haz meetz wit teh Jesus in Galalee liek He sed befoer He wuz ded. kthxbi' 8 An teh chikz GTFO rly kwik cuz dey was srsly skeert, an dey dint tawk teh hole way homed. 9 An teh frst persn teh Jesus shode up fer wuz Mary Magdaln. He wonse pwnd sevn demans taht wuz livin in her hoo-haa. 10 An she teld Hiz d00dz abowt her meetz an dey maed a cry. :*( 11 Wen dey thunkd abowt teh Jesus seein Mary an not dem, dey stard thunkin 'No wai. He stil dedz' 12 Den teh Jesus apeerd to 2 moar uv His d00dz wile dey out taekn a walk. 13 Dey told teh udder d00dz bowt it but dey sez 'No wai.'
14 So den Jesus shode up to all his d00dz wile dey was NOM NOM teh cheezbergrs an yelt an pwnd dem fer not baleevin He wuznt ded no moar. 15 An He sez, 'GTFO an GBTW tellin all teh cats an kittehs on Urfs abowt meh. 16 Tell dem teh cats dat baleev r full of WIN, an teh wons dat dont r on teh FAILBOAT an gonna get pwnd in teh hell. 17 An teh peepz full of WIN getz mah lvl ups an gonna b abl to pwn demans an 5P3@I< l33t w0RdZ, 18 an jugl snayks, an drank poysin witowt gittin hert, an respawnd ppl. k, bai.' 19 An wen he wuz doen talkin wit dem he taekd a INVISIBLE EVEVATER to teh skai an sat at da rite paw of Ceiling Cat. 20 An dey went an telded all teh catz and kittehz wat happn, and Ceiling Cat halpded dem do amazn shit to proev it. Kthxbai.

Finally a translation of the Bible I can get behind...yeah I think my god may be Ceiling Cat
Kthxbai

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