Sunday Confessional: How I Came Out To My Mom Part II

(continued)
It was from 6 p.m. my mom's time and she replied to my forward with " hasani, why did you send me this article? is this your way of telling me you're a transsexual?"
i read this. and i read it again and then I started laughing. I jumped in the shower to try to get my head and then I started freaking out; I remember just cursing and having no idea what to do. I took some cigarettes outside and started to chain smoke. I had maybe 4 days to write 2 huge papers that I hadn't really started and now that was another night where I could not possibly think of anything besides that or concentrate on school. I really wished that I had told her a week later when I was done with school, so that just added to my stress. I was also thinking about just how from that point on my worlds would be colliding, like if I had ever wanted to "be a boy" at home I really couldn't how everywhere I went from that point on, my relation with my mom would never be the same and neither would I. So at this point I was in a total state of breakdown. Suj, who had that point basically moved out, had gone up the stairs past me but as she came out she saw me and saw me freaking out and I told her what had happened. Of course she was empathetic and tried to convince me that it would be alright and that she had to already have known, which made sense since lingerie I bought and a few dresses not to mention $400 dollars prosthetic breasts that I bought had all "mysteriously" disappeared. But of course that didn't really help. Theresa came over and they convinced me to go out to take my mind off of it. The whole time I was thinking that I should call my mom, but I had no idea what I would say; How would i start that conversation "hi" My mind was spinning a thousand feet per second. Theresa and I went to Dain's to have a few beers and calm down. We talked, mostly me freaking out, then she vented to me about the problems she was having in her relationship. We went to see a band down the street and I had a few more beers (some of which I didn't realize were like 10% alcohol.) There ended up being a lot of hugs and so many more tears that night. Eventually we all agreed that I should probably write her an email, since I could better organize my thoughts that way. Of course they said I shouldn't do it drunk, but when I got back to my place of course I did. It was a long and rambling letter that I'm sure is akward and poorly written that I haven't read since.
I didn't mean to tell you this way. I am so so so sorry- I've just been really emotional recently. I didn't know what else to do and I love you so much so I wrote a letter. I really hope you understand it. I'm sorry I haven't slept well recently ( worrying about telling you at Graduation was one of the many reasons) so it may be sloppy. But i will understand if you hate me and want nothing to do with me.
All I remember is crying so much while writing it, while writing about just growing up and all the pain and everything. I sent it and my mom responded within half an hour with:

Hasani of course I don't hate you. I am your mother and you are my child. You will always be my child. We must talk about this so that I will understand.

I love you. Please get some sleep.

That helped some but I still didn't sleep well. I was still freaking out so much. The next day was the draft so Jay and I went to a sports bar and I brought some reading to do (which is interesting because Jay was apparently really freaked out about my drunken admissions from Thursday night) then we went to a Durham Bulls game that some of our friends were going to. It was an absoultely breathtakingly gorgeous day, it was beautiful. The whole time I was dreading and waiting for my mom to call and just as I was telling one of my friends " i wonder when my mom is going to call" she did. It was like the 6th inning and I didn't want to talk at a baseball game, and I still had no idea what to say; I was so nervous. So I didn't answer the phone. I got home and after doing some more reading I went outside and called her at about 9 that night. I just remember my voice being so weak and being so apologetic; I know I didn't cry when I was talking to her though. She just (expectedly) had a tonne of questions and expressed maternal concern mostly. She was so calm and nonchalant that I asked her if, like Suj and I thought, if she had suspected anything and to my surprise she said no that she just "thought you liked soft things." She just told me she loved me alot and was proud of me and called me her child instead of her son, which I totally picked up, and held on to. While we were talking one of my friends came up in his Excursion with his frat and they all jumped out, bumped up the music, and started to have a dance party. Obviously that was not the setting for a conversation. The next day was such a good day. I had the greatest weight of my life off my shoulder. I had, at that point, come out to everyone in the world who was important to me (and a lot of random people on the way as well) I had planned on telling my mom at graduation in about a week and a half but I realized this was better, though I did worry because I was so relaxed that I wouldn't have the tension that I thrive on to write those papers. But that day I read Kate Bornstein's My Gender Workbook and talked to my mom again. That monday I wrote my paper on Drag Bingo and in about 19 hours I wrote 33 pages for it. The next day for my gender and language class I wrote 13 pages in 7 hours. And I was done
I realizied that if I had waited to tell my mom until graduation that at that point I would then have something hanging over me and I would be freaking out about it. But now that I had told my mom and was done with classes I was totally and utterly FREE. My mom and my relationship was closer because I didn't have to hide such a huge part of myself from her and we talk a lot more and hang out alot more often now and I couldn't be happier. That wednesday, a week post LDOC, a day after finishing school and a few days since coming out to my mom I celebrated by getting my hair done and going shopping with no regrets or negative thoughts. It was fabulous.

Christine Daniel's blog- Woman in Progress
Leonard Cohen- Famous Blue Raincoat.m4a

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