While We're On The Subject

So when I was thinking about what to do for BBE* if I were to do it one of my ideas reminded me of a Stuck in my Head I posted months and months ago. Both videos to me touched on like the fear of discovery and the threat of subsequent violence that is unfortunately why today is a Day of Rememberance. And because that connection worked with me, and you haven't had any music or any of my wonderful insights I'm going to repost it (with a few changes and an mp3 at the bottom)

Stay with me because this may seem a little convuluted (and I don't think I spelled that word right at all.) Anyway I've tried to focus on positivity, love hope and beauty, but sometimes the songs themselves that are lodged in your head aren't necessarily the most joyful. Such is the case today. I don't think I had these songs stuck in my head, as much as the videos. But c'est la vie. I've had She Wants Revenge's Tear You Apart in my head for awhile (it's quite addictive)- I remember the first time I heard it I thought it was a new song from Interpol. Of course I later found out who it was (thank you XM radio.) But I still loved the song and when I saw their video I was completely blown away. Who knew Joaquin Phoenix could direct? And who knew he would have a transgender theme and plot, and while the lyrics and song itself aren't really happy I identify quite strongly with this video (for rather obvious reasons) and the ending always makes me really happy and is a fantasy for I would suppose many people, but especially those who have been ostracized and attacked for living their truth. So here's She Wants Revenge and "Tear You Apart"


And any band that has their first video with that type of message I'm bound to like. I was then thinking about that video while having the song stuck in my head and it sparked a memory of when I was young and a video that I knew meant a lot to me at the time, and looking back may mean even more. It's Soul Asylum and Just Like Anyone. The video features Claire Danes at the height of her My So-Called Life fame ( I remember that show being amazing, and it still kind of holds up today). And i really like these lyrics, they really make me happy

She walks into the outhouse
the cold night breathes into her face
the flies are standin' still now
the moon it spills through the place

and she starts wonderin' what its like to be
liked by everyone and like everyone be just
like anyone and just wants to be so
just like anyone, just like anyone

she reaches through the darkness
her fingers touch the porcelain seat
she spins and pulls her pants down
the cold air holds her like a thief

and she starts wonderin what they mean
do they just mean to be mean
and thinkin' bout the scene
do they just want to be seen
try not to seem so just like anyone,
just like anyone

the door comes screechin' open
she walks into the evening air
she disappears in the darkness
all's left, the faint smell of her hair

she starts wonderin' what its like to be
liked by everyone and like everyone
be just like anyone and just wants to be so
just like anyone and wonderin what they mean
do they just mean to be mean and thinkin' bout
the scene do they just want to be seen
try not to seem so just like anyone

just like anyone

And though the video does not have quite an explicit transgender theme I think you'll be able to read between a few lines.


I love the school dance theme, and its import and symbolism, lord knows my senior prom was mind blowing (at Duke not in high school.) And I'm not sure about it but I have a feeling that this video, and its ending, may have planted the seeds for one of my recurring dreams, of ascending from my skin and rising as a winged golden angel. Metaphor much?


But this videos (songs, whatevers) I think fit into the theme of today of beauty and hope and eventual happiness. Just like I cried with happiness for Christine Daniels, was run ragged with emotions and ended up coming out because of it (it's in my last sunday confessional- great reading I'm sure) the release and acceptance that these videos and their final scenes show, escaping the cruelty and pettiness and hurt and transcending it all to find a greater joy and a place of peace and acceptance, are truly beautiful and make me happy at least. Anyway thanks for sticking with me and though I probably don't know you personally, you know me, and I love you for that. Let's keep in touch.
Have a good weekend everyone.

Wow, I was really happy and cheery and...I don't think I was drunk. But I kinda hope I was. A little embarrassing.
Soul Asylum- Just Like Anyone [download] buy it on iTunes

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Your Stuck in my Head Song of the Day

I remember when I was young and Garbage first made it big. I decided then that if I were in a punk or hard rock band that the name would definitely be sewage. I've grown out of that phase, I think, but I still kind of have a soft spot in my heart for Garbage and that really kick ass Shirley Manson of the mid to late 90s ( i think i may be gay for girls with red hair) Anyway I first discovered this song through one of Christine Daniels' "postmodern girl" mixes , or maybe I didn't but I know it was mentioned there and the author suggested how it was being sung about a trans kid (which it sort of was, being inspired by the faux j.t. leroy) something you can easily pick up from the lyrics

She gave you everything she had
But she was young and dumb
She'd just turned twenty-one
She didn't care to hang around
So when the shit came down
Why she was nowhere to be found
This life can turn a good girl bad
She was the sweetest thing
That you had ever seen

You're such a delicate boy
In the hysterical realm
Of an emotional landslide
In physical terms

With your cherry lips and golden curls
You could make grown men gasp
When you'd go walking past them
In your hot pants and high heels
They could not believe
That such a body was for real
It seemed like rainbows would appear
Whenever you came near the clouds would disappear
Because you looked just like a girl
Your baby blues would flash
And suddenly a spell was cast

You hold a candle in your heart
You shine the light on hidden parts
You make the whole world wanna dance
You bought yourself a second chance

Go Baby Go Go
We're right behind you
Go baby Go Go
Yeah we're looking at you
Go baby Go Go
Aw we're right behind you
Go Baby
Go Baby
Yeah we're looking at you
Go

oh and it's a incredible fun and fabulously song to strut to ;)
yeah and I know it's kind of poppy and upbeat, especially for a monday but it has actually been in my head since i woke up this morning, and plus I'm trying to be a little happier right now and I didn't think anyone wanted to hear any Partridge Family so here it is Your Stuck in My Head Song of the Day: Garbage's Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)

Garbage- Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!) [mp3] buy beautifulgarbage

ugh i really don't wanna wake up tomorrow...

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Ephemeral Desires: Things that are too cool/trendy for me*

but I would still like to experience.
(and yes I do feel really horrible and selfish for writing this after my last post)

• I would love to meet the geniuses/assholes on the marketing team that may have made up fliers for a missing girl as a part of an ad campaign. Or maybe I just want to see if whatever they're promoting is really cool, because I am intrigued.
  
• Apparently today is Google's 9th birthday. I would love to go back to a time when Google was still less powerful than God (seriously on a regular daily basis I rely on Google a lot more than god) instead of trying to "out open" facebook as a part of their universal quest for domination.
• There is something cool about sleeping on a recycled gum pillow, I 'm not sure what exactly, maybe the knowledge your sleeping on things people spit on and out. Though if this Clean Gum becomes a greater reality then such pillows would come apart after a day.
  
• It would be kind of cool to live in one of AquaDomi's floating houses, though I don't think my dog would be so enthused about going outside and taking a walk then.
  
• It's good to know if everything doesn't work out and I get bored that I could embark upon the way of the modern shaman, and the funny thing about is I'm pretty sure if I did my mom would accept me more. I mean at least that way I can pass myself off as a two-spirit person and be knowledgeable about it.
• Germs that were taken into space have returned deadlier. I would love to be there if that seal broke, err maybe not- the Andromeda Strain was pretty freaky.
  
• I think I could get behind this temporary marriage thing, I mean forever is a really long time. If only I didn't have to move to Iran or Germany, though maybe Iran wouldn't be so bad, and I am in love with one person in Hamburg so maybe it'd work out in the end.
• I'm not sure I would actually want to see these casting "coulda beens" in some of my favorite movies but I would enjoy seeing a screen test or maybe them spoofing themselves in the roles they could have had.
• The MacArthur foundation has just selected its "Geniuses" for this year and I think it would be the coolest thing ever to not only get a genius grant but also to be called a genius. Right now I'm only brilliant at best.
• But I feel that perhaps if I were able to understand how the water in Dyson's Wrong Garden goes uphill, I'd be halfway to genius status. Too bad it still confuses me.
  
• If Shawn Marion were to come to the Lakers I must say I would be far from upset about it. In fact you could say I would be quite pleased.
• and speaking of sports I would have lived to been (invisibly) in the room when Vin Scully was interviewed about the strangeness of the Dodgers season, by Christine Daniels, or maybe better still to be in Vin's 80 year old head to see what he was thinking, though since he is Vin Scully and one of the greatest and best people ever I'm sure he was full of love and happiness.
• I however am not so, I'm quite happy that the Evil One Who Cheats will not be in San Francisco
  

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Let Me Know if this is too Bitchy

Dear Christine,
I love you and everything; you were the unplanned impetus of me coming out to my mom (drunkenly of course) and so I've been on your side, brimming with pride for all of your successes, reading your blog and being happy for all of your good moments and joys. Even when it was revealed that your first sports reporting experience didn't go as well as you thought it did, I felt pain for you but was glad such thoughts didn't upset you.
And so keep all of that in mind, as well as the fact I love you like a sister...or aunt, when I tell you that the photo accompanying your blog, which you posed for and I assume approved of for dissemination is not a good look, not a good angle and not a good color. I don't mean to seem mean or rude, I know this is the fulfillment of a life long dream and the only thing that really matters is how you feel and if you're happy with it but...there wasn't a better photo? I mean I liked your last one, the setting of being in a park surrounded by trees gave off a more joyous vibe. This one? I blame the background and lighting, that atrocious dress or your eye makeup. I like your earrings though...And I don't know if it is just a byproduct of getting old, you are almost 50, but if that's the case I may have to live by the Who's original maxim. Non me piacianno le rughe) But the important thing is you're smiling...
All the best sweetie. Love,
Me
(ugh I feel like a young queen who expects to stay girlish and attractive forever And I know I sound like one, but for the time being I'll live with my delusions.)

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Your Stuck in my Head Song(s) of the Day

So today I got really happy to the point I started crying. And it was all because of Facebook, well not all because of Facebook, but you'll see. Anyway I had friended a girl I went to middle school (and I thought some high school as well.) She was one of my favorite people back then and shameful for me I hadn't thought about her for many a year until then and I had actually forgotten her last name. Anyway today she accepted my request and she looks so happy and just like I remember and she's also a lesbian. And when I saw that I just got really happy, and I realized it was a similar emotion, of crying with joy, that I felt with the Christine Daniel's announcement. I guess it is the feeling that I'm not alone but also that there's another one "on our team." And like I said that made me so happy (along with the fact she had some pictures of another one of my really good friends from H-W) that I couldn't really contain it all without tears. I'm sure some of it was the fact that it continues my belief that all real lesbians are the nicest and my favorite people, but also that I'm not the only queer kid. Then The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" came on and it seemed perfect for my mood, like the one happy Cure song. And the idea of something being so good and beautiful and feeling you with enough happiness as to be comparable to our perception of heaven, well it's a good thought.

Then I read the lyrics and, yeah it's not as happy as I thought it was (I think). But the music is happy at least! I started thinking of our interactions in school and trying to remember if there were any "signs" though it is such a ludicrous statement (mainly on the basis I can't remember what happened a month ago.) And I'm sure if she was intrigued enough to check my profile she would realize she's not the only one who's "changed" and I started thinking could we ever have imagined where and who we are now back when we were 13. So I started thinking of songs that expressed that kind of idea of "wow who could've guessed" type vibe, but one that specific didn't come to mind (I'm beginning to slack with having a song at the ready for every occasion; maybe I'll just write one) though the idea that I really wanted to meet up with her (and she would be the 2nd person I know when i move to San Francisco!) made me think of the chorus of a Pulp song "let's all meet up in the year 2000. Won't it be strange when we're all fully grown" Yeah growing up is strange, but it's a beautiful thing. The song is Disco 2000 and (thinking about it the last time I may have seen her might have been around the year 2000.) So what do you say Chelsea, wanna meet up in the year 2000? I'm sure I can find a fountain down the road. Ah I really love how life turns out sometimes. It can be truly wonderful and beautiful with its surprises and paths(oh and back to the song; it's a really cool video)


Have a good weekend everyone. I'm going to spend it writing letters to people I haven't talked to in awhile ( I had planned on that long before today's events) and applying to jobs so I can actually afford to live. You all stay safe out there. buona fortuna a tutti

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Ok Last Linkapalooza of the Day

Just a collection of stuff that I found and that I decided you should know about ( I only have your best interest in mind)

• Glenn Close has a new show premiering on TNT {I think its on F/X; sorry my bad}. In the New York Times review she is lauded(?): "But there is no actor dead or alive as scary as a smiling [Close.]" It gets better "Ms. Close plays Patty Hewes, one of the most formidable trial lawyers in New York City. It is a role that brings out the very best in Ms. Close, which is to say her talent for exploring the worst in the characters she plays. Patty is intense, demanding and mercurial — gruff and ice-cold one moment and playful the next, her hooded eyes dancing with what might be mischief but could just as easily be the early warning signs of madness."And this is an incredibly positive review. I'd hate to see what Alessandra Stanley has to write for something she hates.
• I suppose its wrong to laugh at the misfortune of someone who "still has numbness and pain in his extremities" but I really really hate Notre Dame (and the Patriots to be honest.) Don't judge me.
• Apparently is not so much Man vs Wild as Man (with the help of motels and other experts, and editing and a camera crew) vs. Wild. I knew something was fishy with that guy.
• I fully agree with this blogger's assesment and suspicion about these steriod users. Except of course when he's talking about Jason Schmidt. That sir, is character assassination of a fine, fine man.
• This trend has always confused me as well.
  
• I don't believe this at all; we've gotten hosed way too many times. Speaking of Duke though, I'd much rather us be #119 (we haven't win a game in 2 years); at least there's some honor in being the worst as opposed to 4th to worst. You're on Buffalo.
  
• Poor Christine. I'm sorry you're debut didn't go as well as you thought it did. Totally one of my fears and worries. But fuck 'em; if it makes you happy...(and no I'm not corny enough to post that Christina Aguilera song....damn; my bad)
  
• And finally, some company has used a program to show what stars would look like as "normal" people. While some I could actually picture walking around (and John Travolta is creepy as hell) others like Johnny Depp are just weird. But the most revealing one is Keira Knightley. She looks so so pretty, actually more so than in real life. At least to me.
  
  

(a song of the day update; we may have a dark horse contender. This is getting exciting)

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Your Stuck in my Head Video(s) of the Day

Stay with me because this may seem a little convuluted (and I don't think I spelled that word right at all.) Anyway I've tried to focus on positivity, love hope and beauty, but sometimes the songs themselves that are lodged in your head aren't necessarily the most joyful. Such is the case today. I don't think I had these songs stuck in my head, as much as the videos. But c'est la vie. I've had She Wants Revenge's Tear You Apart in my head for awhile (it's quite addictive)- I remember the first time I heard it I thought it was a new song from Interpol. Of course I later found out who it was (thank you XM radio.) But I still loved the song and when I saw their video I was completely blown away. Who knew Joaquin Phoenix could direct? And who knew he would have a transgender theme and plot, and while the lyrics and song itself aren't really happy I identify quite strongly with this video (for rather obvious reasons) and the ending always makes me really happy and is a fantasy for I would suppose many people, but especially those who have been ostracized and attacked for living their truth. So here's She Wants Revenge and "Tear You Apart"


And any band that has their first video with that type of message I'm bound to like. I was then thinking about that video while having the song stuck in my head and it sparked a memory of when I was young and a video that I knew meant a lot to me at the time, and looking back may mean even more. It's Soul Asylum and Just Like Anyone. The video features Claire Danes at the height of her My So-Called Life fame ( I remember that show being amazing, and it still holds up today). And though the video does not have quite an explicit transgender theme I think you'll be able to read between a few lines.
Embedding it from Youtube has been disabled (damn artist requests; I remember the good old lawless days) so click on this link if the video doesn't work below; I'm trying new things out of necessity



I love the school dance theme, and its import and symbolism, lord knows my senior prom was mind blowing (at Duke not in high school.) And I'm not sure about it but I have a feeling that this video, and its ending, may have planted the seeds for one of my recurring dreams, of ascending from my skin and rising as a winged golden angel. Metaphor much?
Who knows; either way you cut it you gotta love the message, and more importantly the grunge. (and I so had a post today without a youtube embed. I told you I'm not a total slacker)

But this videos (songs, whatevers) I think fit into the theme of today of beauty and hope and eventual happiness. Just like I cried with happiness for Christine Daniels, was run ragged with emotions and ended up coming out because of it (it's in my last sunday confessional- great reading I'm sure) the release and acceptance that these videos and their final scenes show, escaping the cruelty and pettiness and hurt and transcending it all to find a greater joy and a place of peace and acceptance, are truly beautiful and make me happy at least. Anyway thanks for sticking with me and though I probably don't know you personally, you know me, and I love you for that. Let's keep in touch.

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Sunday Confessional: How I Came Out To My Mom Part II

(continued)
It was from 6 p.m. my mom's time and she replied to my forward with " hasani, why did you send me this article? is this your way of telling me you're a transsexual?"
i read this. and i read it again and then I started laughing. I jumped in the shower to try to get my head and then I started freaking out; I remember just cursing and having no idea what to do. I took some cigarettes outside and started to chain smoke. I had maybe 4 days to write 2 huge papers that I hadn't really started and now that was another night where I could not possibly think of anything besides that or concentrate on school. I really wished that I had told her a week later when I was done with school, so that just added to my stress. I was also thinking about just how from that point on my worlds would be colliding, like if I had ever wanted to "be a boy" at home I really couldn't how everywhere I went from that point on, my relation with my mom would never be the same and neither would I. So at this point I was in a total state of breakdown. Suj, who had that point basically moved out, had gone up the stairs past me but as she came out she saw me and saw me freaking out and I told her what had happened. Of course she was empathetic and tried to convince me that it would be alright and that she had to already have known, which made sense since lingerie I bought and a few dresses not to mention $400 dollars prosthetic breasts that I bought had all "mysteriously" disappeared. But of course that didn't really help. Theresa came over and they convinced me to go out to take my mind off of it. The whole time I was thinking that I should call my mom, but I had no idea what I would say; How would i start that conversation "hi" My mind was spinning a thousand feet per second. Theresa and I went to Dain's to have a few beers and calm down. We talked, mostly me freaking out, then she vented to me about the problems she was having in her relationship. We went to see a band down the street and I had a few more beers (some of which I didn't realize were like 10% alcohol.) There ended up being a lot of hugs and so many more tears that night. Eventually we all agreed that I should probably write her an email, since I could better organize my thoughts that way. Of course they said I shouldn't do it drunk, but when I got back to my place of course I did. It was a long and rambling letter that I'm sure is akward and poorly written that I haven't read since.
I didn't mean to tell you this way. I am so so so sorry- I've just been really emotional recently. I didn't know what else to do and I love you so much so I wrote a letter. I really hope you understand it. I'm sorry I haven't slept well recently ( worrying about telling you at Graduation was one of the many reasons) so it may be sloppy. But i will understand if you hate me and want nothing to do with me.
All I remember is crying so much while writing it, while writing about just growing up and all the pain and everything. I sent it and my mom responded within half an hour with:

Hasani of course I don't hate you. I am your mother and you are my child. You will always be my child. We must talk about this so that I will understand.

I love you. Please get some sleep.

That helped some but I still didn't sleep well. I was still freaking out so much. The next day was the draft so Jay and I went to a sports bar and I brought some reading to do (which is interesting because Jay was apparently really freaked out about my drunken admissions from Thursday night) then we went to a Durham Bulls game that some of our friends were going to. It was an absoultely breathtakingly gorgeous day, it was beautiful. The whole time I was dreading and waiting for my mom to call and just as I was telling one of my friends " i wonder when my mom is going to call" she did. It was like the 6th inning and I didn't want to talk at a baseball game, and I still had no idea what to say; I was so nervous. So I didn't answer the phone. I got home and after doing some more reading I went outside and called her at about 9 that night. I just remember my voice being so weak and being so apologetic; I know I didn't cry when I was talking to her though. She just (expectedly) had a tonne of questions and expressed maternal concern mostly. She was so calm and nonchalant that I asked her if, like Suj and I thought, if she had suspected anything and to my surprise she said no that she just "thought you liked soft things." She just told me she loved me alot and was proud of me and called me her child instead of her son, which I totally picked up, and held on to. While we were talking one of my friends came up in his Excursion with his frat and they all jumped out, bumped up the music, and started to have a dance party. Obviously that was not the setting for a conversation. The next day was such a good day. I had the greatest weight of my life off my shoulder. I had, at that point, come out to everyone in the world who was important to me (and a lot of random people on the way as well) I had planned on telling my mom at graduation in about a week and a half but I realized this was better, though I did worry because I was so relaxed that I wouldn't have the tension that I thrive on to write those papers. But that day I read Kate Bornstein's My Gender Workbook and talked to my mom again. That monday I wrote my paper on Drag Bingo and in about 19 hours I wrote 33 pages for it. The next day for my gender and language class I wrote 13 pages in 7 hours. And I was done
I realizied that if I had waited to tell my mom until graduation that at that point I would then have something hanging over me and I would be freaking out about it. But now that I had told my mom and was done with classes I was totally and utterly FREE. My mom and my relationship was closer because I didn't have to hide such a huge part of myself from her and we talk a lot more and hang out alot more often now and I couldn't be happier. That wednesday, a week post LDOC, a day after finishing school and a few days since coming out to my mom I celebrated by getting my hair done and going shopping with no regrets or negative thoughts. It was fabulous.

Christine Daniel's blog- Woman in Progress
Leonard Cohen- Famous Blue Raincoat.m4a

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Sunday Confessional: How I Came Out To My Mom

It's time for another Sunday Confessional! (woo! yay! get excited. ugh) Anyway I'm exhausted from my life of doing nothing so much so that I fall asleep at 9:30 every night- that should be my confession; god it's embarassing. But it is not. And now is time for the show ::curtains rising::

So this is about how I came out to my Mom. It happened about two weeks before I had planned, but looking back it definitely worked out better (and is probably more fitting with how I lived my life in college; drunken late at night with very little thought or planning.)
It all started on my Last LDOC (last day of classes) at Duke which I was involved in putting on this year. I was in charge of giving away thousands of shirts that day, as well as personally get drunk and enjoying my last day. Hubby arrived after being in Mexico for a week, the concert went amazingly and the whole day was perfect. Even though I was totally drunk that night (and told one of my friends Kiwi friend that I like my guests "well lubricated") I got to bed I guess at a reasonable hour. The next morning, the 26th, I had to present my research and paper on Drag Bingo in Durham to my Ethnographic Fieldwork class. I had done some research but I was nowhere close to having anything written for our paper, which was about 70 % percent of our grade, due the next Tuesday and for which during the course of the semester we had to turn in multiple progress drafts that of course I just didn't do, on the basis that I was a senior and I "do what I want." I got up at around 8, which had become incredibly normal for me since started taking the hormones and feeling quite sick in the morning, and screwed around on the internet per usual. I found some clips on youtube about Drag Bingo and the divas (that I wish I had discovered months earlier) that I could play in my presentation and hopefully take up some time. I then went to the L.A. Times website which I normally do to check up on whats going on in the world and saw on the main page a headline "Old Mike New Christine" a play on the name of the new Julia Louis Drefyuss sitcom (daughter of a Duke Grad)
From that title I had a few specific ideas about what the article would be about, but I've come to realize that being transgendered I tend to leap to conclusions, or see transgendered tendencies in many things and to assume. Plus I was still drunk.
Anyway I read this article and for some reason it affected me more than I had anticipated. One of the sportswriters for the times in this article came out as a transsexual and I remember just reading it and feeling so proud and happy for her; I read the article at least three times before I decided I better head to class. I guess it was the fact that I recognized the name Mike Penner from many years of reading the sports section ( and a quick aside, just seeing that name is really weird to me now I think of her as Christine Daniels, as I should) so I felt like I knew her. And secondly, and far more likely and important, everything she wrote about her depressions and feelings and longings were exactly like how I had felt for so many years that I instantly felt a greater connection and sense of kinship. And the courage that she had, to come out to like half a million people just totally blew me away.
After this I was really just happy and buzzing and that was all that I could really think about, it was a good thing my presentation was on a similar topic about gender identity and compartamentalization in society. So i made a rum and coke for class, cuz I refused to go to class during reading period sober, and made my presentation, which sucked but I had an interesting topic so everyone loved it. It was one of those days where everything was so beautiful and perfect and Duke is lovely in the Spring. As i was walking through campus and down Towerview/Morreene towards my apartment Leonard Cohen's Famous Blue Raincoat shuffled onto my iPod. To this day I don't know why the song touched me so, but on the walk back, and in my room I must have listened to it 9 times in a row. Maybe it was just the pure emotion of his voice and the meaning behind the words I don't know and I couldn't tell you. The whole time I was listening to it everything became so much more beautiful and the world seemed so alive and wonderful and I was full of such hope. It was a truly perfect moment. I got back to my computer and I read the article again while the song was still playing and for some reason I started crying hysterically. I think I was just so full of joy and happiness and the beauty in the world (not to mention estrogen) at that moment but I cried hysterically for half an hour. It was a wonderful moment that I'm failing to capture properly, but that is the nature of emotions.
Our neighbors were having a party that night so after a few hours had passed I went the 10 feet over there. One of my friends Bri who had graduated the year before was there and I was so happy to see her. She was a little drunk (as we all were- I had sucked flaming sambuca through a straw! I got mostly fire) and she asked me to give her my three moments that year that had blown my mind. I told her I wore a dress to our Senior Prom, and after a few minutes of convincing her that it wasn't gay prom or whatever she understand. When I told her it blew my mind Megan, my neighbor told me that "it blew a lot of people's minds" which I had sorta gotten (though it still weirded me out that people talked of me.) Anyway Bri, Jules and I went outside for about an hour smoking ciggies and drinking and talking about stuff and I was getting incredibly emotional. I then went into the Beirut room where I was on table and sort of drunkenly exclaimed to some of my friends that I was on hormones, yada yada, which I thought they already knew but apparently freaked out some people. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur but I remember sitting various places and talking to people and being weirdly emotional and inappropriate and open, which I tend to regret in the morning.
After awhile I went back to my place and I sent Christine this e-mail (at 3:20 in the morning):
Christine,
I'm sorry you're probably getting a lot of mail now and are probably not sure which ones are supportive/which ones to open. But I just wanted to say (even if you never read this) I am so happy for, and proud of you. I'm a transsexual as well, I've been on hormones for about 5 months now, and your article just made me so happy, like maybe there is someone else out there, but also because the courage to do that is amazing. I'm a senior in college and I've sort of been coming out to my friends...and everyone else, but I've never come out to half a million readers in one act.I don't personally know you but I feel like you're my sister and I really wanna wish you so much good luck. I have always read you off and on, but now I will feel quite honored to read anything Christine Daniels writes.

I had started crying hysterically again of course. I then drunkenly decided to forward the article to my mom, to see what her reaction would be concerning transsexuality, sort of priming the pump for me coming out. So I forwarded it to her with the personal message "I am so proud and happy for her." I thought nothing of it and went to pass out.
The next day I decided I really needed to start working on these papers. I got up that morning just sort of sick of being myself, of being the tranny kid that everyone knew so I started to freak out and wanted to get away from myself. There was a follow up article that day about Chrisitne about all the support she had gotten and that made me happy but also a bit sad I guess. I really needed to try to be normal. So I went dressed like any normal guy to Chapel Hill to study. I got a lot of reading done and as I was waiting for the shuttle to take me back to Duke my mom called at like 5 p.m. When she called I sort of freaked out that she was calling because of the email but she only asked me what I was doing and if I was planning to stay in Durham for a bit after graduation. Anyway I got back to Duke and read some more before I got to my apartment to research some more. Then I checked my e-mail.

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