Tips For Boys

(or for anyone really)

1)If you ever meet this girl

her name is Dominique Fisher and DO NOT HOOK UP WITH HER! She's crazy and not only will she cut you, but she'll carve her name into you

from the Daily Mail

A drunken fling ended in disaster for a man who woke up to find his lover's name carved into his arm.
Dominique Fisher, 22, used a Stanley knife to write her name on Wayne Robinson's upper arm.
She inflicted the injuries on the 24-year-old at her home in Blackburn, Lancashire.*
Mr Robinson woke to find his body decorated with a star on his back, 'Dominique' written on his upper right arm, and numerous slash marks on his left arm and shoulder.
He told police he had drunk vodka and taken Valium and was not awake during the incident on the night of June 14 last year.

Ow; it's like a cross between The Business of Strangers and American Psycho. *And please no jokes about there being a few more than 10 thousand holes in Blackburn Lancashire now...after that one. moving on

2) Guys if you think it might be safer to...um just handle yourself then brave the Dominique Fishers of the world and you have to...ahem...release yourself at work, find out which company this is and try your darndest to get hired there. From Slate's "Dear Prudence"

Dear Prudence,
I work in an office that I share with two other people. The desks are in a triangle with short partitions between us, but it is possible to see one another through the gaps. One co-worker is part-time, so I am frequently alone with the third. Lately, I have been hearing and then seeing him participating in a solo activity usually done in the bedroom. Once I figured out for sure what he was doing, I went to human resources. The manager told me that as she has only my word about this, I should go find her when he does it again so she can know for herself. The problem is, she is never around when it happens. He stops if I get up to go out the door and starts when I sit down again. I feel violated, abused, and totally grossed out. What should I do?

3. Failing to find that company might lead you to one other option, but it's a good one and it doesn't seem like your bosses would care. Work in Peru! Drink in Peru! Drink while working in Peru!
From Lemondrop

You don't have to worry about hiding that bottle of Hennessy in your desk anymore. At least not if you work in Peru, where the nation's top court has ruled that workers can't be fired for being drunk on the job. Woo-hoo!

Peru's Constitutional Tribunal has said that you can't get fired for being a little tipsy at work, as long as you're not hurting or offending anybody.

So to make sure you don't offend anyone with either you're drinking or your masturbating just be sure to pass around the Pisco, yo.

You're welcome

Guns n' Roses- You're Crazy [mp3]
The Beatles- A Day In The Life [mp3]
Talking Heads- Psycho Killer [mp3]

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Lies Movies Taught Me

Girls, if you’re ever frustrated and thinking about just marrying your BGF (best gay friend), you shouldn’t do it, apparently.

At least according to this advice columnnist

Q. I am a single mother of a 3-year-old boy, the result of an unplanned pregnancy. His father is a mess and not much a part of his life. A divorce is in the works.

Recently, a very close friend of mine who is a gay man has decided to enlist in the military. He has proposed a solution to both of our dilemmas by asking that we marry.
He is a wonderful man who loves my son like his own. We get along tremendously well and have been friends for 10 years. He would be my perfect match were he not homosexual.

To my surprise, I am considering his proposal. I am so exhausted from the last four years that the idea of having a second pair of hands, plus income and love for my son, is infinitely appealing. I also understand and respect his fears about being “discovered” by the military.

I consider myself to be a moral, intellectual and law-abiding individual, and I am having a difficult time separating my need for help from what is sensible and realistic. I am 28 years old and aware that I have so much more time to find a good mate. Can you help me sort this out?

A. When you are emotionally exhausted and have been burned often, it’s hard to see any potential for the future. So it’s tempting to throw in the towel and take the safe route.

Marriage to your gay friend is an entirely safe option, or at least appears to be. There’s no possibility of risk and rejection because there is no investment. You are not investing love, romance or sexual feelings, so you figure you aren’t vulnerable.

While I certainly can sympathize, I think that if you avoid risk, you avoid gain. It would be sad for you, at age 28, to shut the door on any potential for finding love. I think it would be a mistake to marry your friend.

On his end, there are many gay and unmarried men in the military, where they “don’t ask, don’t tell.” It is not imperative that your friend be married to join the military. So you don’t need to do this for his sake.

This seems to be about somebody providing a safety net for you. But it sounds as though he already does this. He is a male role model and an important part of your life and your son’s. You don’t need him to be your husband in order for him to continue in this role.

If you want to marry him for financial help, it is likely this will cause disputes in the future. Couples argue more about money than anything else. And these are couples who love each other and are building a life together. You two, even though you are extremely fond of each other, don’t have such a connection. There’s a great likelihood you will at some point start arguing about money, and one of you will become really resentful.
Not only that, but by marrying you are announcing to the world that you are unavailable. So you are closing the door on having a future sexual partner, and so is your friend. He won’t be in the military forever. When he finishes there, he might want to find love with a man. So you are harming chances for both of you to find what you really want.

Children aren’t dumb. As your son grows up, he will perceive the situation and know you aren’t a real couple. So think about the example you are sending to your son. Do you want him to grow up and have a romance-free relationship of his own?

You are young and have plenty of time ahead of you. It’s premature at age 28 to decide that hope is dead in the arena of love. Love is something that everyone is entitled to try for.

If you really want your friend around, he can move in like an uncle or a roommate. People have relatives and friends sharing their living quarters all the time. But I see no advantage to living a lie.

Though it is unfortunate you have such a difficult time with your ex-husband, this does not mean you are destined to forgo love forever. If you feel really hopeless, I advise you to seek therapy to see whether you are somehow attracted only to men who can never be right for you.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Marrying a gay friend, who seems to offer many advantages, will close you off to real romance in the future and is unlikely to turn out well.

But hasn’t she seen The Next Best Thing
Or
The Object of My Affection


Such arrangements always work!

This columnist seems really old fashioned too- who says it would be living a lie? I mean they do love each other, even if not in love, and there are tonnes of couples who don't even have that. Plus it's not like if she meets someone she's actually interested in that she can't just say "hey, yeah I'm married but my husband is gay and so we can do whatever."
And plus there's that new fangled divorce thing-always an option.

Hmm, I should be an advice columnist- I feel I'd be amazing

(Note: I actually haven’t seen those movies either, but I assume that’s what those films taught
Note 2: that little mermaid is Hayden Panetierre-aww...and I really want to see the whole thing now. Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston have to be the cutest couple ever)

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Free JJ!

He’ll always be my boy and I’ve wondered why every time I watch an Orlando game (like maybe 3 times) this season I never see him playing
Apparently it’s because there are 3 guards ahead of him and since he’s not playing he wants a trade

From an article in some Florida paper

Representatives for J.J. Redick repeatedly have approached the Orlando Magic about a trade that could provide the seldom-used shooting guard more playing time, but general manager Otis Smith said there are no plans to move Redick anytime soon.

Like last season, Redick has struggled to get consistent minutes with the Magic. The former college player of the year at Duke University has played in just 20 games this season for the 28-18 Magic. He is averaging just 3.7 points a game in 8.3 minutes a game this season.

Maurice Evans, Keith Bogans and Keyon Dooling have taken turns starting at shooting guard, and because they are better defenders and rebounders [Ed. Note- But I guarantee they don’t have nearly as beautiful and perfect a shot as JJ] , Redick has struggled to get little if any playing time for long stretches.

But Smith said because he knows Redick is a competent player merely in a tough situation, he has no plans to move him before the Feb. 21 NBA trade deadline. Also playing into Smith's thinking is the potential makeup of the Magic's roster come this summer.

"We know that he can play, but as with a lot of young guys he just has to be patient," said Smith, who drafted Redick 11th overall in the 2006 NBA Draft. "If I trade him and he goes somewhere else and plays well, then what?

"Look at how many free agents at guard that I have coming up next summer -- Carlos (Arroyo), Keyon (Dooling), Mo (Evans) and if the other guy (Keith Bogans) opts out, that would make four. J.J. could go from the bottom (of the depth chart) to the top, but he's got to be patient."

Van Gundy said he has conversations with his assistant coaches on a daily basis asking, 'Should we be playing him?' as it relates to Redick. He said Redick's ardent practice habits and how he has responded when put in games has made it difficult to keep Redick on the bench.

"I think about him all the time, and he makes you think about him with the way he practices," Van Gundy said. "I know he's really frustrated because there's not much more he can do. He plays well out here in practice, and when we give him chances in games he's played well. That's a frustrating thing, but he has to keep doing what he's doing. It's not a negative thing with him. I know he can help us and I'm sure he will."

He will Stan, but you better let him; he’s too good to be wasted
SO all I have to do so that JJ can play is injure Carlos Arroyo, Keyon (I always thought his name was Kenyon) Dooling , Mo Evans and Keith Bogans

but JJ all you need is patience,
Find the trails of patience.

Super Furry Animals-Patience [download]

just a little patience,

Guns N’ Roses- Patience [download]

don’t worry you’ll play you came in with flying colors

Love of Diagrams- Pace or The Patience [download]

discovered on the ever fun Fanhouse

and yeah I took the opportunity to make this post funner with movies and music; it felt thin. At least now it feels random and tacked on

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America Will Get The Idol It Deserves....(Un)fortunately It Won't Be Either of These Two

I mean we have the bitchy deluded one who when he fails because of his lack of inherent talent blame a conspiracy
And then we have the uber religious kid who’s never been kissed and is saving himself for marriage and so... has the key to his dad’s heart (creepy much?) who sets my gaydar off like whoa and is in the closet even if he doesn't know it yet

Don't those two character studies sum up too much of America?

Firstly it must be said that I am opposed to American Idol(and about what they mean and shape with so much of culture, especially regarding "norms") and I've only watched the second season, but somehow I've learned of these two contestants and they're too...unique to not share

Anyway here is performing what I thought would be, from that sustained “And” at the beginning, Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love you but then morphed into “And I Am Telling You” just liked Jennifer (Hudson or Holliday) would sing it- if they had been deaf since birth and were now being tortured in the recording booth, ladies and gentlemen this is what American Idol has wrought- Joshua Bosen from South Carolina (a southern ghetto queen if I've ever seen one)

Josh they didn't say South Carolina sucks, they said you do

And here is Bruce Dickson from Dallas, the kid who holds the key to his father's heart.Does anyone know if his mo is still around, because it would make more sense to me for her to hold the heart. Moving on notice how he says he's never kissed "a girl" leaving about half of the population to have fun with.

I really like how Seacrest reaffirms "his heterosexuality;" fathers lock your daughters up if those two hit the town. Anyway Bruce wasn't horrible and he seems like a nice enough kid, he just needs to take that heart away from his dad and give it to that one special boy who you can't live without...oh and move out of Texas.

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Hmm...Maybe I Was Too Quick To Judge

I've really had less than no interest in that Frank TV show that has had the second greatest publicity overkill since that movie about bees. But after seeing this clip of the Frank guy on the TNT Basketball studio show and especially hearing his impression of Charles Barkley (at about a minute into it) I have to admit it's a little funny and pretty amazing. I'm still not going to watch the show (i feel it would get old after about ten minutes*) but this is funny

seriously though if the advertisers had just put out a few viral videos of him doing something it would have saved them soo much money on advertising and also there wouldn't be this backlash that people feel after being.beaten.over.the.head. about something for months. Everyone likes being kind of underground and "hip;" no one likes being told what to do.

*UNLESS they team him up with Michael Winslow from Police Academy. Imagine the possibilites. Robin Williams, shaving. GWeeB in a helicopter. Somebody that sounds like all the rest doing something (those movies came out when I was like 2 maybe, I don't remember the Winslow nuance.) And maybe the theme song by Rahzel...

man, there's no way that wouldn't be epic.

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Barack Needs To Chill

here's barack hussein obama kinda getting testy with an elderly white woman during a question and answer event in Iowa.

Passion and enthusiasm is not necessarily measured by the tone or volume of your voice and after all no ones likes an angry black man, they even scare me at times.

John Edwards, on the other hand, loves old people. And being bred born and raised in the south he knows how to treat his elders. Vote Edwards!

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Tupac: Resurrected

Bentley Green with his single "Hey Mama"

What went through my head upon first watching this: shock, awwww he's so cute, wow how old is that kid?, awww he loves his mom, did he just say "peer?," I wonder who wrote this for him? But the kid was obviously born to be a rapper, I mean Bentley Green; Bentley. Green. His name just smacks of materialism and excess. If this was a few years ago (or back when I was like 8) he already would have had a record deal.

btw, The song he's rapping over and obviously inspired by, is Dear Mama (download) though the chorus he seems to have taken from 2Pac's earlier Keep Ya Head Up (download) which is tremendous all around considering this kid was born like 5 years after he died. And people don't believe in reincarnation with such evidence.
Just a word of advice to Bentley though, if you ever encounter any giant men nicknamed Suge, run. Run far and run fast. And hopefully things will work out better this time around...

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Love is Strange

As I may have mentioned before I have a strange habit of reading the New York Times wedding announcements. This sunday was no different and when I came upon this

I was quite excited because I enjoy the same sex "unions." But imagine my surprise and shock and disappointment when I discovered that this was a heterosexual marriage (gasp!) Apparently the "Keith" is Alexandra Keith, who goes by her middle name. Such a horrible trick. Congrats though you two.

And in real strange love news a 24 year old man married an 82 year old in Argentina this weekend. Ew. I can't even imagine how long 58 years is and the sheer weight of all those years is insane. That would be like me marrying one of my friends' great grandfather.
seriously though if women in their 40s are called cougars then what is she? a saber-toothed tiger? The fact she knew him since he was a teenager is incredibly creepy (it's like Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood* but so much worse and wrinkly) but the fact he pursued her is disturbing. There really should be a general and accepted rule; no marrying or sleeping with anyone 40 or more years older than you. Older guy or Older girl it doesn't matter just don't do it**. I think it would be better for everyone. Otherwise you have sentiments like this

Asked if the marriage was purely spiritual, Ms Volpes laughed and replied: "There is going to be more."

I really hope she means she's going to bake him cookies otherwise...I mean ew ew ew. I'm trying to shake that mental image out of my head. I can't even really watch the scenes where the two old people have sex on Tell Me You Love Me. And the guy with those weird sunglasses and horrible beard and the fact that he's "always liked mature ladies"; incredibly creepy.
The whole time I was reading this story all I could think of was this was a real life Little Britain sketch taken to a disgusting saggy South American extreme.


But seriously good luck you two! I'm sure the kids will be beautiful.


*apparently Wagner first saw her when she was like 13 and he was 20 knew he wanted to marry her. or maybe i'm thinking of a movie i can't place right now.

**More tea parties less lemon parties.

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Fun with the First Amendment....and tasers.

I saw the tape of the Gainesville kid who got tasered or whatever and I really don't blame the police there. Anytime you hear someone screaming in presumed pain it affects you, but... I'm sure he was ranting about his right to free speech but usually at such events, especially one with a high profile guest audience members are usually allowed one question and maybe a quick followup not to grill the speaker. There is a price to pay for being an asshole and actually being disruptive and even if you feel that you weren't being disruptive at the microphone by constantly ranting and screaming as you're being taken away and try to break free at that point you are a disruption. I'm sure he was probably yelling about not resisting arrest but you kind of were and resisting two officers who were actually smaller than you. Perhaps you shouldn't have been tasered but you probably should have yelled a couple of times as you were being taken away and then written a letter- your school mates who were videotaping the incident would have made a big enough deal of it to prove your point. Be mature, bro. (watch it here)

It just doesn't seem as egregious as the case at UCLA where a middle eastern student studying in a library who was basically racially profiled and asked for his id "he student did not exit the building immediately.

The CSOs left, returning minutes later, and police officers arrived to escort the student out. By this time the student had begun to walk toward the door with his backpack when an officer approached him and grabbed his arm, at which point the student told the officer to let him go. A second officer then approached the student as well.
The student began to yell “get off me,” repeating himself several times.It was at this point that the officers shot the student with a Taser for the first time, causing him to fall to the floor and cry out in pain."

(you can watch the video here)

Actually I don't know what I'm arguing here. In both cases the tasering was probably too much (you are dealing with campus police officers who probably wanted to be real cops but couldn't) but if people were to just follow rules and go through correct venues and not act like every case is a huge constitutional affront then we wouldn't have such situations. My generation we've been looking for things to protest and to make a big deal about but what happened in these cases, let's be honest, it's not Kent State.

(And I don't think I was aiming to be that political and confrontational or to take such a position. Not sure where that came from. hmmm...)

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Notes On a Sporting Weekend

So I think this weekend was the start of that time of year when it is either a bit of a sports overload, or paradise depending on your perspective, with college football, NFL opening weekend and baseball pennant races. It was weekends like this where I wish I was at Devine's like all day, where the chili is always amazing and the same regulars are always there with their quirks, and I would laugh at the misfortunes of my friends' teams. Great times. So anyway these are a few random thoughts that I accumulated this weekend.

• Jonathon Broxton, you're not dead to me yet (we're still [barely] in the race) but I am very close to pulling the plug. Not only did you make us lose.To the Giants. Twice. But if we had won those games we could have moved up in the West or at least the Wild Card. That is not okay in the slightest. C'mon Jonathon,we need you. Shake it off, but don't let it happen again.
• Watching the Auburn/South Florida game (and why is the University of South Florida in Tampa?) when it ended it was close to midnight and I realized something about college life. First when you go to an SEC school you have to dress up to go to a game. Secondly when your team wins a game you go out drinking and celebrating. When they lose you're angry so you stay in and angrily drink, but either way you drink. I miss that, I think.
  
• When Bo Schembechler died last year the day before the Michigan/Ohio State game I really thought he loved the Wolverines so much that he died in order to inspire them to victory over their biggest rival which would give them a shot at the national title. I've come to think differently, however. Now I kind of think that Bo allowed the Wolverines to be humbled and embarrassed with their worst season ever, in an attempt to gain entry into heaven. I don't know why exactly St. Peter would want Michigan to suffer but he accepted the Curse of Bo Schembechler. I mean they haven't only not won a game but the losses have been historic. I mean how else can you explain App. St and then losing to Oregon in the worst home loss, since the season before Bo's first season at Michigan. Maybe Bo really didn't curse Michigan (though he probably did), instead maybe he is orchestrating these repeated shamings so Michigan will adapt and come out of it stronger. At least I'll hope so, for next week at least- they cannot lose to the Irish.
• This doesn't really have anything to do with this weekend specifically, I just thought it was funny. Joe Pa and his wife just recently discovered the show M*A*S*H and have never seen Cheers and are hoping to "discover it soon." Seriously I can't be surprised-it's Joe Pa. He's so old school I would be shocked if he actually had a color t.v.
• And the whole Rodney Harrison-HGH story has been so brushed over it's sickening. Here's a leading defender on a 3 time Championship team admitting to using a banned substance and you hear about a tenth of the outrage as one hears about Rick Ankiel and his hgh-ness (or about half according to a very quick unscientific google poll) And it's not like it's being shushed because Rodney Harrison is a good guy, he's the dirtiest player in the league.Then what is it? Is the NFL really that bullet proof? (I mean, have you even heard about this?) And yes I do apply a double standard to teams and players I hate as opposed to the clean and upstanding citizens of my favorite sporting clubs. (Also about the Jets game, when Chad got hurt and his back up came in, while I was watching live I just thought the crowd was applauding to offer encouragement to the back up, not to express their delight in an injury, though apparently I think too kindly of people.)
  
• On Sunday night football John Madden and Al Michaels were talking about a new official who is in charge of the kicking balls and one of them said something like "they call [this official] Dr. K." To which John responded something like " you know those officials can be women too" Al: " Yeah we would call them Mrs. Dr. K" (and that transcription was very loose and paraphrased. but you get the idea) Guys you do realize women are allowed to be doctors- there are millions of them, and I'm sure there's a female heart surgeon waiting to operate on John if he keeps on eating turduckens. It reminded me of a riddle that I saw on the Cosby Show.
• The Nextel Cup Chase or whatever is starting soon and I still have no idea how it works. Do the other drivers who aren't in the chase just not race? And so will there be only 12 cars on the track? And speaking of fake playoffs I don't understand- in golf now that Tiger won a match (don't think thats the right term) and Phil has a win as well, they both have to show up this weekend, right?
  
• Roger Federer, excuse me, God beat Djokovic Novak which I think is his name (or vice versa maybe-either one works) for the US Open title which everyone knew would happen. Like the sun rising too early and Monday would come too soon after the weekend. I didn't know too much about Novak Djokovic but when I saw him in his semifinal match against Ferrer he reminded me of someone. Then it came to me; he is the total twin of (the great) Lee Melchionni. God Lee was awesome; I miss that kid. But check for yourself

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An Example or Two Why Hollywood is Doomed

yeah I know this was something like the highest grossing theatrical summer ever, but seriously how many movies did you see and actually adore or thought about 3 days after the fact? Especially if you're over the age (mentally) of like 16 And there are no new ideas, as evidenced by the plethora of threequels, which kinda means someone had a great idea 7 or 8 years ago and execs are too scared for their jobs to do anything that isn't safe with a "guaranteed audience."

But I hadn't intended on writing that because it is a little too angry, and I feel way too sick to be angry. I really was just trying to form an introduction to a few things that I don't know how were green light or actually made onto the fall schedule.

Exhibit 1: The geico Caveman show? Sure the commercials were fun and amusing but they were 30 seconds long- who thought that that one gag would still be watchable after a 23 minute episode (forget about a full season.) I think I read somewhere that it was intended to be a satirical look and examination of stereotypes and racial issues in today's society, but guys you got your idea from an insurance commercial. And it's gonna be on ABC. There's no way it can even be on the blade, let alone edgy, you can't offend anyone and hope to keep an audience. This video entitled BlackMen (that i found originally on Defamer) is pretty much what I expect Cavemen to be, though it is likelier funnier.
[damn it I can no longer find it anywhere, but just imaginethat someone doesn't want the cavemen to go somewhere and do something and the cavemen replies "why is it because I'm a {black man}" inserted in place of the word cave man. But you get the idea, I'd hope]
(seriously though if they had to steal an idea from a Geico commercial, why couldn't they have been inspired by Tiny House, which would have been an actually really fun show to watch)

Exhibit 2: I really hope that the cooling temperatures and the fact the kiddies are back in school will not lead to a repeat of last weekend when the totally unnecessary and kind of sacreligious Rob Zombie remake of Halloween somehow made money. Labor Day weekend I guess is the last hurrah and the fact it was blazing may have forced many to find refuge in the theatres but I would hope better of America. When I first heard Rob Zombie was thinking of a
"reimagining) I was a little disgusted. The real Halloween is my favorite scary movie and I remember the first time I watched it was in the dead bright middle of the day with everyone window open to give in more light and allow me to paranoidily look out for any killers. And I was still terrified. The music was so perfect. And it was so understated and suspenseful . I think only like 4 or 5 people died in the whole film and I can't even remember there being blood. I mean Rob Zombie is, if anything, not known for being understated ( have you seen House of 1000 Corpses?) Apparently they also explain why Michael Myers is "evil" which offends me because it is far more terrifying if you can't boil down his dysfunction, if there is no cause, but rather if he was just born evil? Is this an attempt to create sympathy for the devil? Because it's hard to keep someone as a bogeyman when you can trace back in his past to him just been a scared little boy. ( and this is the review that I feel I would write.)
Really does Hollywood have no original ideas left? None at all? Can we somehow create a list, like those AFI top 100 lists, of movies that Hollywood should never be allowed to remake? I know it will be different for all people but I'm sure there will be a tonne of overlap between any lists.

Exhibit C: and this one is maybe more offensive to me just because I did go to Duke and spent some of the best moments in my life in K-Ville get wasted in a tent but when I first heard that FOX was making a show called "K-Ville" I was shocked and a rather angry that they were blatantly stealing the name of a pretty well known entity. And the show itself seems awful, which makes it even worse. I don't buy Anthony Anderson as a hard nosed cop. The fact that the show takes place in a post Katrina New Orleans is also not going to work well for it; the government has forgotten about New Orleans and many Americans, if they ever cared, have or are trying to move past such a shameful and devastating event. I don't think they will tune in to be reminded weekly that things are not back to normal in New Orleans and that they should feel guilty. Americans like to put things behind us. Here's the description from its official site (though I found it on the futon critic):

From writer and executive producer Jonathan Lisco (“NYPD Blue,” “The District”) comes K-VILLE, a heroic police drama set – and filmed – in New Orleans. Two years after Katrina, parts of the city are still in chaos, but hope has emerged. Battling an upsurge of violence, understaffing of police forces and a lack of crime labs and other facilities, the cops who remain in the New Orleans Police Department have courage to burn and a passion to reclaim and rebuild their city. MARLIN BOULET (Anthony Anderson) is a brash, wry, in-your-face veteran of the NOPD’s Felony Action Squad, the specialized unit that targets the most-wanted criminals. Even when his partner deserted him during the storm, Boulet held his post, spending days in the water saving lives and keeping order. Now, two years later, he’s unapologetic about bending the rules when it comes to collaring bad guys. The stakes are too high, and the city too fragile, for him to do things by the book. Boulet’s new partner, TREVOR COBB (Cole Hauser), was a soldier in Afghanistan before joining the NOPD. He’s tough and committed, but if he’s less than comfortable with Boulet’s methods, it’s because he’s harboring a dark secret. Cobb has come to New Orleans seeking redemption, but redemption can be dangerous. Will Boulet be able to trust him? Will Cobb’s past endanger them both? Rounding out the crew are wisecracking JEFF “GLUE BOY” GOODEN (Blake Shields), the team’s comic relief; tough-as-nails GINGER “LOVE TAP” LeBEAU (Tawny Cypress), the only female on the squad; and CAPTAIN JAMES EMBRY (John Carroll Lynch), who wrangles the eclectic personalities of his squad with equal parts humor and tenacity. Through its no-holds-barred crime stories and dramatic personal stories, this intriguing series will take viewers from the Victorian mansions of the Garden District to the rubble of the Lower 9th Ward

Nope. not going to work. The only k-ville is on the lawns in front of Wilson. (and quickly, I don't find Carpoolers to be viable either; it just gives off that vibe)
Sigh, and they canceled Arrested Development... {UPDATE: speaking of "good" t.v. Time made a list of the 100 Best Shows of all-time- I haven't studied it because I just wanna nap but I'm sure there will be a few things on there, or that aren't on there, that will piss you or I off. Yay arguing.

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The Kid'll Be All Right

Lauren Caitlin Upton. Seriously that answer (which you have to have seen by now even if you live in Peoria) was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. I mean I didn't even know about the pageant, have seen no other footage and have no clue who win (and really don't care, but how pissed do you think the actual Miss Teen America winner, or whatever, is?) But everyone knows Miss Teen South Carolina. ( Over 10 million total views and counting in just 6 days;wow!)
She's taken it all in stride and has had some fun with it including hosting a Geography quiz on People.com which was surprisingly hard, I only got a 4 out of 7 ( you can try to do better here)

And let's be honest she might not be the brightest bulb in the batch but she's blond and attractive and has a nice southern accent; she'll do quite fine in life. ( I could see her working for Fox/Fox news) And even though she's going to App. St. at least she's getting out of South Carolina. A word of advice sweetie: don't look back. You're a star! (at least until you marry a nice southern boy and raise your kids in a quiet Methodist church.) Ah I miss the south.

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Final Ookie Post at Least until the Next One

So this is my last bit of unsolicited advice but PTI had a topic about whether going on Oprah could help rehabilitate Mike Vick's image. I am really over Oprah (never been a fan) but that got me thinking and this is what I figure: if between now and his sentencing Mike Vick were to appear on like a special 90 minute edition of Larry King Live or some other national call in show it might help.
Have Larry, the horrible interviewer he is, interview Vick for about half an hour and then open the phone lines and have whoever, the most rabid anti-Vickist or rabid PETA supporters have their say to call in and tell him what they think of him. Disparage him, scream at him curse and call him awful in all ways. The whole time keep the camera focused on Vick. If Vick is actually as contrite and remorseful as he says it is this will be a little bit of penance. And though the experience would be quite awkward (for the viewer) and difficult for Vick, it would be fascinating and I think it may turn opinion to the smallest degree. Americans may like to humilate people but they don't necessarily like to watch when hundreds of people in a row call in to basically throw rotten tomatoes at someone. Eventually they will think he's had or suffered enough of such a punishment and may begin to feel sympathy for him. Especially if they can see the emotional toll on his face and that he is racked with guilt.

All people want to, more than actual remorse sometimes, is to see that a punishment has been served and such a public shaming and humiliation will give them more satisfaction then him being locked away in, what many will always call Club Fed. And then once he actually gets out of jail I think people will be more ready to move on.

I'm not sure I articulated that well, but I think you may get the idea. And anyway it's just a thought.

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Come Out, Come Out Whoever You Are

I guess a bathroom stall could be the size of a closet, maybe that's why certain people are so comfortable in them. Continuing the trend of conservatives with publicly very anti gay record being arrested for soliciting male officers for sex, Senator Larry Craig of the 0% HRC congressional rating, who was arrested on June 11th in a Minneapolis airport bathroom for disorderly conduct, pled guilty and then denied that fact stating that he overreacted finally came out today...to release a statement that he is "not gay [and has] never been gay."

Larry, you and your deluded wife have to be the only one's who believe that. There have been many rumours about Craig's sexuality since the early 80s when he was seemingly involved in a Congressional Page sex and drugs scandal and then was outed last year (or more credibly here). If this had happened to another politician it would have been a fairly big deal but the fact that it happened to Craig, who is surrounded by so much smoke as to be flaming, pardon the pun; sorry sir but three strikes and you're out. Just admit it; have some dignity.

This guy at The Nation (via Queerty) has an interesting take on this bathroom/republican phenomenon. As for my thoughts: If you wanna stay in the closet, for whatever reasons or hang ups that's fine, but to promote an agenda that can be seen as hurtful to others and self hating, which reinforces inequality and intolerance is morally wrong and though I am opposed to involuntarily outing (it's an incredibly personal step, which is why I haven't outed my brother) I think that it may be justifiable so that these politicians and moral leaders may feel publicly that same sense of shame and ridicule, the sting of "institutionalized otherness" and intolerance that they support and force upon many members of the Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered community through their votes opposing GLBT rights. Barney Franks, last year, on Bill Maher actually said what I'm tryng to say far more eloquently than I could ever hope to

Just come out;in the end you'll be a lot happier. Plus guy's bathrooms are disgusting.

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Let Me Know if this is too Bitchy

Dear Christine,
I love you and everything; you were the unplanned impetus of me coming out to my mom (drunkenly of course) and so I've been on your side, brimming with pride for all of your successes, reading your blog and being happy for all of your good moments and joys. Even when it was revealed that your first sports reporting experience didn't go as well as you thought it did, I felt pain for you but was glad such thoughts didn't upset you.
And so keep all of that in mind, as well as the fact I love you like a sister...or aunt, when I tell you that the photo accompanying your blog, which you posed for and I assume approved of for dissemination is not a good look, not a good angle and not a good color. I don't mean to seem mean or rude, I know this is the fulfillment of a life long dream and the only thing that really matters is how you feel and if you're happy with it but...there wasn't a better photo? I mean I liked your last one, the setting of being in a park surrounded by trees gave off a more joyous vibe. This one? I blame the background and lighting, that atrocious dress or your eye makeup. I like your earrings though...And I don't know if it is just a byproduct of getting old, you are almost 50, but if that's the case I may have to live by the Who's original maxim. Non me piacianno le rughe) But the important thing is you're smiling...
All the best sweetie. Love,
Me
(ugh I feel like a young queen who expects to stay girlish and attractive forever And I know I sound like one, but for the time being I'll live with my delusions.)

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I Love Lily

Another reason why I love Lily Allen. In a concert somewhere in England Lily called Bush a "fucking cunt" which isn't that big of news (everyone hates Bush) but it still amuses me and makes me wish we were friends (aww.)

But speaking of fucking cunts ( though I don't like that word all that much) Barack's wife at a women's luncheon in Chicao said something like "if you can't run your own house, you can't run the white house." It's from the Drudge Report so of course its sensationalized but still "One of the most important things that we need to know about the next President of the United States is, is he somebody that shares our values? Is he somebody that respects family? Is a good and decent person? So our view was that, if you can't run your own house, you certainly can't run the White House. So, so we've adjusted our schedules to make sure that our girls are first"
I see. You've adjusted your schedule to make sure your kids come first by having your husband running for president. He started running "technically" in Feburary of 2007 even if he doesn't get the nomination he'd still be in and running till March of 2008. And if he does, god forbid, win the nomination and get's elected that's until January of 2013, at least. So your children are coming first by having their father running across the country for at least a year campaigning for a job that if he gets will take up more time than she can imagine, which causes him to miss more time with his children. And you're not really putting your kids first by speaking at some luncheon, instead of being with them.T here is absolutely no way you can run a high level and successful presidential campaign and "put your children first." It's an incredibly naive and dumb statement. The natural extrapolation of her statement is that the wife, or someone in the house, should be a stay at home parent to make sure their "children come first." And maybe if you weren't campaigning and putting "your children first" and all they wouldn't be exposed to the pressure and "negativity" that your husband says can take a toll personally on the family; like you know on your children.
And I know her husband is running but the fact she uses the impersonal "He" sort of implies that only men can run for president, negating everything that Hillary is trying to do and reemphasizing thousands of years of patriarchy.
If that is the case I really think Michelle Obama should just go home bake her daughters a pie and put on some makeup. I am so damn sick of her.
Or at least that's my take. (uh oh; my bias is showing again)

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Oh Those Wacky Southern Conservatives

You really gotta love them. And especially their penchant for giving blow jobs, or at least trying to. In about the past two or so weeks a Virgina minister was arrested in Tennessee for urinating in public in front of some kids while wearing a skirt. When police confronted him he did what any good lass would do to protect her reputation and get out of jail, he offered the cops oral sex. They've always said Virginia is for Lovers. And of course this news has gone international, I guess everyone is still fascinated by a bloke in a dress
And this is my favorite Bob Allen (great mugshot,btw) a Republican representative from Florida whose major legislative pursuits include "[sponsoring] a failed bill that would have tightened the state's prohibition on public sex. He also has been a supporter of amending the state constitution to ban same-sex marriage and has opposed a bill to curb bullying of gay students." Well he was in a park and there was a cop in a bathroom and, I think you know where I'm going with this. (But in case you don't here's an excerpt from the police report:

I talked with the other officers again and then entered the bathroom and began washing my hands. Allen entered the bathroom behind me and proceeded into the first stall.

I realized that there were no paper towels to dry my hands so I walked in to the handicap stall to dry my hands. As I stood in the stall drying my hands I observed Allen look over the door of my stall and make eye contact with me. Allen then stepped away and then came back to the door and looked in, making eye contact with me again. I said “hey buddy” and Allen said “hi” and then stepped away again. About 5 seconds later Allen pushed open the door to my stall and stepped inside. I was standing against the far wall of the stall. Allen closed the door behind him and stood against it. I said “What’s up” and Allen again said “hi”.

Allen then said “this is kind of a public place isn’t it.” I said, “Do you have somewhere else we can go”. Allen said, “How about across the bridge, it’s quite [sic] over there”. Allen engaged me in conversation in which it was agreed that he would pay me $20.00 in order to perform a “blow job” on me. Allen stated that he wanted to ride with him across the river before he performed the act and gave me the money. Before entering Allen’s vehicle I identified myself as a police officer and detained him."

I never understood paying to give oral sex, it seems a little backwards but I guess if you think the guy's attractive enough? Or you're that repressed, maybe. I don't know, but I also think bathrooms are disgusting and far from sexy, but whatever blows your hair back. Of course Rep. Allen denies it all, calls it "disgusting" and says the only reason it may have happened is because he was surrounded by black people and he was afraid he " 'was about to be a statistic' and would have said anything just to get away." Of course! That explains it! though of course blocking a door to a stall and then suggesting going somewhere quieter doesn't seem to give off a "oh god please help me" vibe.
I just wonder what this guys say to their wives, congregations or republican bases. Just seems like an incredibly awkward situation. Hopefully though, for the sake of everyone involved, this will stop their messages of homophobia, and that they just accept that their gay or bi, or whatever and accept themselves so they don't have to live with such crushing self hatred and their wives and children won't continue to have to be hurt by their lies. I mean then they wouldn't fell so guilty about wanting to visit Planet Unicorn. Such a wonderful, magical place...Heyy

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Why Renee, Why?

Ugh, do guys really prefer size 0 Renee? I mean she's young, successful and beautiful yet she's still starving herself down to nothing. Why? (and Sarah Jessica could use a sandwich herself.) This pressure to be thin, not even thin really more like (only) skin is insidious and insane, and as I'm sure you know its everywhere and I mean everywhere. But why do sucessful women still fall prey to it, and why do guys wanna screw a skeleton? I mean she was so gorgeous and sexy (look at her Bridget Jones costume) I mean c'mon. Now she looks as flat as me. And young girls will look at these celebrities and think that is how they must look and then the whole damn deadly cycle will continue. A fuckin' patriarchal society. I am totally disgusted by the whole thing. I'm just hoping that somehow this obsession comes to an end, and maybe recent trends will continue. I think I'm going to have some ice cream in support.

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John Travolta is a moron

Yet another reason why celebrities should not be heard unless they're a script. John Travolta of the "I'm not gay," " no my son is not autistic," camp is crazy but apparently he, like Tom Cruise, is an expert on psychiatric medication. He is now claiming that "I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings, it is not gun control. It is [psychotropic] drugs at the bottom of it. I don't want to create controversy; I just have an opinion on things, and there is nothing wrong with stating your opinion if you are asked."
Because we all know that if a kid is depressed an anti depressant wouldn't restore their chemical imbalance and make them better, of course it wouldn't, and there's no chance that these drugs could help a kid not think that not getting a date is the end of the world, they have nothing to live for and may as well take other people with them.

It is so irresponsible that people in their postions of influence (maybe somebody someplace looks up to the person who financed and starred in this) but the positive effects of these drugs for so many people, and people in all ways of life can not be overstated. But then again this is a man who believes this to be true

So in conclusion, John, thanks for Pulp Fiction (nice hair, btw) and
Grease (though you're ruining Hairspray, hypocrite), now fuck off.

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