Friday, February 15, 2008

Getting Drunk With Oscar

An Academy Award drinking game seemed like something that would be out there, because though you don't need any excuses to drink sometimes it makes you feel like less of a degenerate so, for the sake of your self image and a fun Oscar party here are a few Academy Award drinking games

the first entrant

  • Use your own beverage of choice
  • During the Oscar festivities, take a drink at the beginning of the event when the stars are entering the theater, everyone drinks when you see a star wearing something absolutely hideous. However, it has to be a unanimous decision by the group. If there's one person who likes something like Bjork's swan get-up, nobody drinks, but the veto giver gets unlimited ridicule for the rest of the night.
  • When the opening number hits the peak of suckiness.
  • When the first award is finally handed out.
  • At the top of every hour. ï
  • Any time a presenter butchers a nominee's name (usually during the foreign films, documentaries and technical awards).
  • When a nominee looks like they really don't want to be there (for example: any shot of Russell Crowe).
  • Any close-up of a star not laughing at a joke (for example: any shot of Russell Crowe).
  • Any nominee who fails to appear in person
  • Any personal opinion or campaign that will cause controversy and make non-entertainment news shows the next day. (Vanessa Redgrave bringing up the Zionist hoodlums in 1978, Olympia Dukakis supporting her relative Mike when he was running for president in 1988, anytime Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are onstage together, Kim Basinger's endorsement of Do the Right Thing in 1990 and last year"s Sept. 11 love-fest are recent examples).
  • Anytime a Best Song nominee is not performed by the original artist. ï When that song hits the peak of suckiness.
  • When a non-winner (used to be called loser) gives an obvious non-happy look as another name has been announced (Lauren Bacall in 1997, Kate Hudson in 2000 and Samuel L. Jackson almost muttering mutherf-er to himself in 1995).
  • When a winner (sorry, recipient) is interrupted by the orchestra. Bonus chug when they start to talk really fast over the band.
  • When a recipient starts to cry.
  • When the recipient cries to the point of your crowd yelling, "Shut up, already!" (Halle Berry last year and Gwenyth Paltrow in 1999.)
  • When a recipient or presenter is obviously drunk, stoned and/or just plain stupid.
  • When a star is attending and you have no idea why they"re there (for example: Any year Steven Segal is there).
  • For every person you know during the annual Death Montage.
  • For every winning category that's just flat out wrong (Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction? Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas? Titanic over L.A. Confidential?). This is also a unanimous decision by your group. Again, the veto voter gets unlimited ridicule for the rest of the night.
  • For every major upset (Everyone on the planet thought Lauren Bacall would win Best Supporting Actress for The Mirror Has Two Faces and it went to Juliette Binoche in The English Patient. Art Carney in Harry & Tonto winning over Jack Nicholson in Chinatown).
  • Take a drink for the number of years the recipient said it took to make this film (for example: three swigs for "This has been my life for the last three years").
  • Every time someone jokes about the length of the awards ceremony.
a less extensive one made for last year's ceremony
Drink everytime:

-Someone thanks their “agent, spouse, parents, or kids.”

-They cut off a person’s acceptance speech unceremoniously with the “exit” music.

-They cut to a shot of Jack Nicholson wearing shades.

-One of Ellen’s jokes falls flat. (I guess you can change this to Jon)

-Somebody needlessly and awkwardly mentions something “political”–this calls for a social.

-Ellen changes wardrobe–this is a social if she changes into a dress! (If Jon does this that should be a couple of shotguns)

-A winner says something to the effect of, “I can’t believe I won with all these other talented/wonderful people I was up against.”

-There is a completely unneccessary music/dance number.

-Social when they honor the people who died last year.

-Somebody gets a standing ovation

and finally one last set of rules, this one is a doozy ( feel free to mix and match from all three as you well)
  • When a winner thanks the Academy, take 1 drink.
  • When a winner thanks God, take 2 drinks.
  • When a winner thanks his or her kindergarten teacher, take 3 drinks and thank your own kindergarten teacher.
  • When a winner forgets to thank the screenwriter, take 1 drink.
  • When a winner forgets to thank the director, take 2 drinks.
  • When a winner forgets to thank a spouse, take 3 drinks and kiss your significant other.
  • When a winner pulls out a prepared speech, take 1 drink.
  • When a winner says, "This is so unexpected," and pulls out a prepared speech, take 2 drinks.
  • When a winner wins for writing something and stumbles inarticulately through a speech, take 3 drinks and mumble something incoherent.
  • When the band attempts to play a winner off the stage, take 1 drink.
  • When the band succeeds, take 2 drinks.
  • When the band attempts to play Marty off the stage, take 3 drinks and yell at the TV. (Meant for Martin Scorsese but substitute with any prestige winner you think deserves it)
  • When a presenter stumbles over a name, take 1 drink.
  • When the camera cuts to an object of [Jon's] ridicule in the audience and he or she is clearly not at all amused, take 1 drink.
  • If it's Jack Nicholson, take 2 drinks.
  • When a winner trips on his or her way up to the podium, take 1 drink.
  • When a winner accepts his or her Oscar and pretends to buckle under the weight of it, take 2 drinks.
  • When a winner tries to leave the podium in the wrong direction and needs to be guided by the Oscar bimbettes, take 3 drinks.
  • For every clip montage that goes on too long, take 1 drink.
  • For every performance of a nominated song that is accompanied by absurd choreography, take 2 drinks.
  • When the guys from PriceWaterhouseCoopers give those goofy grins that say, "Hey, Ma, I'm on TV!" take 3 drinks.
  • If [Jon] spoofs Letterman's Uma/Oprah fiasco, take 4 drinks and call it a night.

That should do you just fine. Have fun,but remember the next day is a Monday...

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