My girl friends are going to hate me

They always get mad when I do this. But I really need to lose weight. I'm not necessarily fat I just have some eating disorder tendencies, but without the discipline and follow through. I would be bulimic but I really hate to throw up, plus its so much work to run to a bathroom within 15 minutes (or so I've heard) of eating before the calories are absorbed. I would think I'm more anorexic, but I don't have the hardcore discipline that they have, and I sort of admire. I just sort of try to go as long as I can without eating then I eat. Lately, since I've been home I've been eating about a meal a day, and I try not to eat after 8 at the latest. If I eat after then then the next morning my stomach just feels like such shit, which has to do with the hormones, I'm certain. I also haven't had the same urge to gorge myself as I once did just for kicks.

Right now I'm about 145 (my mom refuses to keep a scale in the house for the very reason that I may do something like, oh develop a type of eating disorder) and about 5'10. Not bad but I feel like I need to lose a stone and a half at least. Then I think I'd feel better about my body cuz right now my midsection disgusts me.

But I do have my (very stitled) reasons. I do live in L.A., it is the summer and I have a new two piece I need to wear and being thinner and smaller is considered more feminine and it helps to pass. Though I am a fuck up and buying way too much into our beauty obsessed culture I still won't get the new alli medicine (even though it is trendy and tempting.) There's just something so unsexy and unappealing about shitting oil and having to carry about a change of clothing. But if it works...

I guess I could always do that whole smaller portions,reducing calories and more exercise thing but where's the fun in that?

btw don't take too much of this too seriously, I am way too lazy and my willpower is sort of a joke to do much.

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