Tips For Boys

(or for anyone really)

1)If you ever meet this girl

her name is Dominique Fisher and DO NOT HOOK UP WITH HER! She's crazy and not only will she cut you, but she'll carve her name into you

from the Daily Mail

A drunken fling ended in disaster for a man who woke up to find his lover's name carved into his arm.
Dominique Fisher, 22, used a Stanley knife to write her name on Wayne Robinson's upper arm.
She inflicted the injuries on the 24-year-old at her home in Blackburn, Lancashire.*
Mr Robinson woke to find his body decorated with a star on his back, 'Dominique' written on his upper right arm, and numerous slash marks on his left arm and shoulder.
He told police he had drunk vodka and taken Valium and was not awake during the incident on the night of June 14 last year.

Ow; it's like a cross between The Business of Strangers and American Psycho. *And please no jokes about there being a few more than 10 thousand holes in Blackburn Lancashire now...after that one. moving on

2) Guys if you think it might be safer to...um just handle yourself then brave the Dominique Fishers of the world and you have to...ahem...release yourself at work, find out which company this is and try your darndest to get hired there. From Slate's "Dear Prudence"

Dear Prudence,
I work in an office that I share with two other people. The desks are in a triangle with short partitions between us, but it is possible to see one another through the gaps. One co-worker is part-time, so I am frequently alone with the third. Lately, I have been hearing and then seeing him participating in a solo activity usually done in the bedroom. Once I figured out for sure what he was doing, I went to human resources. The manager told me that as she has only my word about this, I should go find her when he does it again so she can know for herself. The problem is, she is never around when it happens. He stops if I get up to go out the door and starts when I sit down again. I feel violated, abused, and totally grossed out. What should I do?

3. Failing to find that company might lead you to one other option, but it's a good one and it doesn't seem like your bosses would care. Work in Peru! Drink in Peru! Drink while working in Peru!
From Lemondrop

You don't have to worry about hiding that bottle of Hennessy in your desk anymore. At least not if you work in Peru, where the nation's top court has ruled that workers can't be fired for being drunk on the job. Woo-hoo!

Peru's Constitutional Tribunal has said that you can't get fired for being a little tipsy at work, as long as you're not hurting or offending anybody.

So to make sure you don't offend anyone with either you're drinking or your masturbating just be sure to pass around the Pisco, yo.

You're welcome

Guns n' Roses- You're Crazy [mp3]
The Beatles- A Day In The Life [mp3]
Talking Heads- Psycho Killer [mp3]

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Ad Dishin': Super!

And here are my favorite Super Bowl commercials (and no i don't care if this is "so old;" i like to have things in their right and proper places)

I adore Alec Baldwin and I think Hulu's ad "Alec in Huluwood" might've been my favorite...mostly because of Alec (i'd probably even watch The Shadow again just for him, though young thin Alec somehow less appealing)
From Careerbuilder.com "Tips" (I feel like the woman in the car at least twice a week)


I just thought this Monster.com ad "Need a New Job?" was so simple and so well done (the name of the commercial, however, might be a little too simple and generic? isn't the whole point of your company people "need[ing] a new job?"


I liked the Teleflora (I company I had never even heard of so, good job actually using tha 3 million dollars for good) "Talking Flowers" because it reminded me of Harry Potter and his Howler mail, plus that line "no one wants to see you naked" was just mondo killer. and yes I'm trying to bring back the word "mondo"


Cars.com's"David Abernathy" i really liked a lot, except for the end when I guess the commercial actually had to advertise something; i was just kind of hoping it would go on telling about his life. I'd watch that movie...or at least the extended trailer


and finally Coke's "Heist" i just thought was really pretty and cute and almost imaginative (the deal was sealed when the butterflies, fluttered by.) Plus it reminds me that spring is actually coming...I hate winter, or at least winter in large doses

ahhh, awww, ahh; that made me happy.

Ones I didn't like? Those e-trade babies are really over now, and anything where guys were getting hit with bowling balls and other random stuff (like buses) though I have to admit I laughed at this Doritos commercial, but can you blame me? I mean football in the groin had football in the groin.
But one commerical i absolutely detested to my core and made me vomit a little in my mouth was the Pepsi commercial that seemed to connect, and imply that Will.i.Am. [not] is this generation's Bob Dylan. And I know I hate Will.i.am. but he manages to ruin everything he touches, in my eyes and it sudddenly becomes anathema to me but also intellectually the ad is disingenuoius though you don't have to listen to me (though you should, in all things) the New York Times said so too (but more, y'know, factually)

A commercial by TBWA/Chiat/Day, featuring Mr. Dylan and Will.i.am, rewrites history by presenting Pepsi-Cola as the choice of peaceniks, hippies and other youthful rebels. In reality, the Pepsi-Cola parent, PepsiCo, was led at the time by Donald Kendall, a friend of Richard M. Nixon’s, and the soft drink was considered the Republican soda.

In conclusion, drink more Coke (or actually, just drink more water; all that high fructose corn syrup and other junk isn't good for you.)

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Ad Dishin': Cue The Stereotypes

(firstly i can't believe it took me a year and a half to think of a more coherent/catchy name than Ad Diction. ad dishin'... a dishin'.... addition... it works in my mind)
So I originally wanted to use this space to discuss the new ubiqutous Verizon commercial, I'm sure you know the one (i couldn't find the video online.) A pretty (stereo)typical Italian guy is grilling and what looks like a family barbeque. He introduces his best friend who's "like a brother to [him]", he introduces his brother who;s "more like a cousin" and this is where the commercial gets if not interesting at least mention worthy. In the original version that aired as recently as last week he then introduces his uncle "who doesn't owe [him] money so he's a keeper" but in the revised commercial that I first noticed this weekend and didn't know if it was just a attempt to shorten (by a second) the commercial, but in the new version the italian griller guido just introduces his "uncle...he's a keeper." And like I said before i didn't know if it was just me, but I've seen this version exclusively and so I began to think that the Italiam American lobby or anti defamation league was offended, or believed that the mention of someone owing an italian money would bring up old mafia/ loan shark stereotypes and imagery. (and apparently there's already been a lot of huffing and puffing and rigmarole over this) But at what point are you secure enough "as a people" to laugh off such things and instead take it for what it is, a meaningless bad commercial. I don't think Verizon will be able to tip someone over the age into anti- italian bigotry, or that any of the stereotypes brought up are new (and to be honest some of the best achievements in our visual culture have rested on such stereotypes)
If any commercial should offend them I'd think that new Denny's "eat a serious grown up breakfast" commercial where three "wiseguys" are basically planning a hit

I mean really? At least the verizon commercial shows a family having a good time. Plus that breakfast offends me. Umbrage has been taken!

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Q.R.T.: Quick Random Thought

Do you think the people who sell their gold for cash use that cash to buy more snuggies?

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Pardon My Melodrama

I've just a had really awful time of it the last 5 days and when I throw myself pity parties (and no ones invited! i cry alone) i tend to think of this poem by Dorothy Parker; it always speaks to me, except for the last line- I can't do love.

"Symptom Recital"

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.

Oh Ms. Parker- I do love you.

Prince- The Ballad of Dorothy Parker [mp3]
The Real Tuesday Weld- Dorothy Parker Blue [mp3]

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And So It Begins

Sorry fans of humanity, and freedom, and the freedom of humanity; the machines have learned to evolve.
(i mean i seriously can't be the only person who has seen..um any sci fi movie of the last 30 years)

we know that robots are now made to look like us, and to think (and of course who can forget the sex robots) but now...
from the New Scientist

Unnatural selection: Robots start to evolve

LIVING creatures took millions of years to evolve from amphibians to four-legged mammals - with larger, more complex brains to match. Now an evolving robot has performed a similar trick in hours, thanks to a software "brain" that automatically grows in size and complexity as its physical body develops.
The robot is controlled by a neural network - software that mimics the brain's learning process. This comprises a set of interconnected processing nodes which can be trained to produce desired actions. For example, if the goal is to remain balanced and the robot receives inputs from sensors that it is tipping over, it will move its limbs in an attempt to right itself. Such actions are shaped by adjusting the importance, or weighting, of the input signals to each node. Certain combinations of these sensor inputs cause the node to fire a signal - to drive a motor, for example. If this action works, the combination is kept. If it fails, and the robot falls over, the robot will make adjustments and try something different next time."

awesome. I'll admit I didn't understand most of this article (science...head....owww) but I think i picked up the salient points, aka: "humanity will soon be enslaved and destroyed by robots, our own creations."
But seriously, when will people (scientists, mostly scientists) learn: robots are not our friends*. Ugh I sound like Lt. Gaeta.
screw it, i'm moving to mongolia; i've always wanted to and plus that has to be like the last places the robots will attempt to conquer.

*except for Wall-E. Wall-E is awesome. oh and Johnny 5 is pretty cool too; i wonder if they're related

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A Literal LOL

This actually made me laugh out loud, something which was exceedingly difficult today and that i thought might be impossible.

Brief setup: David, son to be internet superstar, just went to the dentist to hvae a tooth pulled and hilarity ensues


Ha! I mean, poor poor kid; in 15 years he's going to have to pay for that kind of high.

PJ Harvey- When Under Ether [mp3]

P.S. I love how words uttered the influence of pain meds can sometimes seem so profound. Y'know like the last words of Dutch Schultz; they're a bizarre and thus beautiful read

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Ad diction: Bad Howie

I really need to think of a name name for these things.
Anyway Tim, from Tim's Take, and a wonderful facebook/internet friend (who has a blog that is so much better than mine I must hate him for it; i forgot about that) mentioned this in a status a few days back and it was so funny because I had been thinking the exact same thing the first time I saw this commercial and as it has been played incessantly I'm sure you've seen it as well. It's Howie Mandel for Buy.com


Yeah, just like Tim thought that is pretty racy to be playing at basically all hours of the day. But another thing about that commercial that gets to me as I see it 4 or 5 times a day is that fact that Howie is pretty OCD and germophobic and so a) I couldn't imagine him going through someone else's lunch and eating it, and b) and probably more obviously I'm not sure he'd have sex with a stranger in a cubicle during the middle of the day, especially considering how on Deal or No Deal he can't shake the contestant's hands but rather greets them with a pound.

Sigh, the more you know....the more your enjoyment of things decreases...
But in honor of Howie here's his first TV appearance

Oh god; he was zany-ugh. was that ever funny?

This is much much better

Ah! Howie's funny!!! And dirty!!!

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God-speed Patrick

I really hope this isn't true about Patrick Swayze but if it is here are a few prayers for the dying that touched me

Prayer for the Sick near Death
Almighty and Everlasting God, preserver of souls, who dost correct those whom Thou dost love, and for their betterment dost tenderly chastise those whom Thou dost receive, we call upon Thee, O Lord, to grant Thy healing, that the soul of Thy servant, at the hour of its departure from the body, may by the hands of Thy holy Angels be presented without spot unto Thee. Amen.

Lord Jesus Christ! Thou Son of God and Son of the Virgin Mary, God and Man, Thou who in fear sweated blood for us on the Mount of Olives in order to bring peace, and to offer Thy Most Holy Death to God Thy Heavenly Father for the salvation of this dying person… If it be, however, that by his sins he merits eternal damnation, then may it be deflected from him. This, O Eternal Father through Our Lord Jesus Christ, Thy Dear Son, Who liveth and reigneth in union with The Holy Spirit now and forever. Amen.

Lord Jesus Christ! Thou Who remained silent to speak through the mouths of the Prophets; I have drawn Thee to me through Eternal Love, which love drew Thee from Heaven into the body of the Virgin, which love drew Thee from the body of the Virgin into the valley of this needful world, which Love kept Thee 33 years in this world, and as a sign of Great Love, Thou hast given Thy drink, as a sign of great love, Thou has consented to be a prisoner and to be led from one judge to another and as a sign of great love Thou has consented to be condemned to death, and hast consented to die and to be buried and truly rise, and appeared to Thy Holy Mother and all the Holy Apostles, and as a sign of great love Thou hast ascended, under Thy own strength and power, and sitteth at the right hand of God Thy heavenly Father, and Thou has sent Thy Holy Spirit into the heart of Thy Apostles and the hearts of all who hope and believe in Thee. Through Thy sign of Eternal love, open heaven and take this dying person… and all his sins into the realm of Thy Heavenly Father, that he may reign with Thee now and forever. Amen.
(from The Friends of the Poor Souls)

The Miracle Prayer

Lord Jesus, I come before you just as I am. I am sorry for my sins. I repent of my sins, please forgive me. In your name I forgive all others for what they have done against me. I renounce satan, the evil spirits and all their works. I give you my entire self, Lord Jesus, now and forever. I invite you into my life, Jesus. I accept you as my Lord, God and Saviour. Heal me, change me, strengthen me in body, soul and spirit.

Come, Lord Jesus, cover me with your precious blood, and fill me with you Holy Spirit. I Love You, Lord Jesus. I Thank You, Jesus. I shall follow you every day of my life. Amen.

Mary, my mother, Queen of Peace, St. Peregrine, the cancer saint, all you Angels and Saints, please help be. Amen
(from)

We pray for all those undertaking chemotherapy "chemo.” the use of medicines or drugs to treat disease, that the Lord will work out His perfect will in your situation and bring about healing. We ask that The Great Physician will heal all those that have undergone surgery and radiation therapy and that the fire of God will destroy all the cancer cells. We speak peace to all the patients and ask the healing virtue of Our Lord God will flow through every vein, tissue, cell, ligament and that healing will manifest. We believe that Gods desire is manifest in your life. His desire is written in 3 John 2 “Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along”. We speak peace to all the families having cancer patients. We speak uncommon provisions to cater for all the expenses needed to take care of the patients. We destroy every generational curses and declare that they will not continue but the blessings of God will overshadow each and every one of you. We are in agreement with Gods word in Jeremiah 30:17 “ But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds declares the LORD.” So be it, in Jesus Name. (Prayer for Cancer)

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