Paul Shaffer Is A Little Creepy

this secret was posted on, er PostSecret this morning


I think I originally misread that as “I have an irrational fear” (maybe because that picture was frightening) but that misreading got me thinking that yeah, Paul is really creepy and I may be afraid of, or hate him myself.
But he's definitely creepy

Um…what about Cher’s muff?

Or with this wow! inappropriate question to Julia Roberts

But about the hatred maybe whoever sent in that secret, maybe it’s not that irrational maybe she’s just from St. Petersburg and she has to stand up for the homestead

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Overheard in L.M.E.- The Origin of the Eternal L.M.E.

(taken from Pre-History and Creating a Society exposed in the earliest days of this site.)


(some names have been changed to protect the LME-orous ;)
a late night conversation in Europe; September 11, 2005)

ev livid e : are you just saying that because you pity me
a dam e : and one thing i know is the heart finds strange ways
a dam e : i pity very few people
a dam e : i'm far too much of a snob
ev livid e : i am too
ev livid e : elitists unite
a dam e : we should start a facebook group
a dam e : entitled what
ev livid e : can we just make it us two. because that would be very very elitist
a dam e : elitist unite
a dam e: or something like that
ev livid e : EU for short
ev livid e : no
ev livid e : thats too european
a dam e : yeah
a dam e : fuck that
ev livid e : hmmm.
ev livid e : lets call it
ev livid e : t.c.f.y.s.f.o.
a dam e : s.f.h.p.
ev livid e : ahah last time i tried to shorten something it looked really wrong
ev livid e : and i won't repeat it, but you know what i was talking about
a dam e : yeah
a dam e : dyk
ev livid e : a professor definitely walked behind me
-------------------------------------------------------------

]ev livid e: ah well ok fine. because you're in the eu aka tcfysfo
a dam e : exactly
a dam e : did you think of something snobby in french?
ev livid eno but i can make up something
a dam e : i wouldn't know the diff
ev livid e: versailles- thats snobby as shit
ev livid e: something relating to nobility
ev livid e: something hunt club
ev livid e : like boca, but french
a dam e : how do you say " better than you" in french?
ev livid e : meilleur que toi
ev livid e : thats too loong and reminds me of grammar
a dam e : Meileur
ev livid e : meilleur?
ev livid e : or pompidou? i like saying pompidou
a dam e : what is pompidou
ev livid e : the pompidou center?
a dam e : never heard of it
ev livid e : modern art, its a ridiculous looking building
ev livid e : ok ixnay that
a dam e : i hate modern art
ev livid e : i do too
ev livid e : ok this is not helping. whats something elite
ev livid e: elite food
a dam e : The Meliour {REDACTED}
a dam e : like a preppy elite {REDACTED} or something
ev livid e : meilleur
ev livid e: ahhh
ev livid e : Le Meilleur {REDACTED}
a dam e : i like something along those lines
ev livid e:i like it too
ev livid e: it should be written in cursive
a dam e : definetly
ev livid e: we should make a seal
a dam e : we should get it embroderied on sweaters>
ev livid e: i would so wear that sweater. what colors
a dam e : so would i
ev livid e: gold and dark red?
a dam e : hmm
ev livid e: or is that too gryffindor
a dam e : a bit too harry potter
ev livid e: gold and dark blue?
ev livid e: or too duke?
ev livid e: man, we need to invent our own colors
a dam e : we should investigate more but we're making progress
ev livid e: yes. at least we have a name, and we know how we're going to market ourselves a la sweaters and knit scarves too please?
a dam e : we don't need to market ourselves
ev livid e: true
a dam e : cuz we're too good to let anyone else buy in
ev livid e : exactly. so no one else can be in it? is this just us two?
ev livid e: if we let too many people in, it wouldn't be elite
ev livid e: it would be le shit school
a dam e : exactly
a dam e : wait check this
ev livid e: so its a secret?
a dam e : we'll wear the sweaters but if people ask
a dam e : we'll say " oh it's not for you too know"
a dam e : all snooty
ev livid e : ahaha!
a dam e : http://www.colourlovers.com
ev livid e: and you have to wave your hand off at them and stick your nose up
a dam e : that i can do
ev livid e: i am also good on stomping
ev livid e: as in making people feel little
ev livid e: i don't know why i typed stomping it made no sense. but its a fun word
a dam e : ev the crusher
ev livid e: we need something to be our mascot
ev livid e: we need something elite
ev livid e: whats elite
a dam e : peacock
ev livid e: a jaguar
a dam e : leopard
ev livid e: hmmm...i like these printed animals
ev livid e: i don't like birds
ev livid e: whats a badass elite animal
a dam e : i don't like ugly birds
ev livid e: me neither
a dam e : a bengal tiger
ev livid e: and nothing dead too like the dodo
a dam e : peacocks are pretty tho
ev livid e: (bythe way have you noticed how ridiclous this conversation is? i love it!)
a dam e : (this is why i love you ev!)
ev livid e: awww! heart! hugs!
ev livid e: actually no, that doesn't sound elite
ev livid e: how do you express such feelings in an elite manner?
a dam e : with reserved emotions and refrain
ev livid e: i tip my peacock embroidred cashmere knit cap at you
a dam e : like in a victorian novel
ev livid e: ic an't read. aha. yes i can. but i've never read a victorian novel
ev livid e: it sounds like too much lace
a dam e : very victorian refined and british
ev livid e: ooooh we don't have to be a {REDACTED}
ev livid e: we can be a chateau
ev livid e: wait that wouldn't relaly make sense. carry on
a dame e : yeah i still like {REDACTED}
ev livid e: maybe we can have diff colored sweaters for diff seasons>
a dam e : different fashions for different seasons
ev livid e: yes!
ev livid e: we should bring back ruffles
a dam e : umm
ev livid e: i don't know how, but i intend to finda way
ev livid e: oooh {REDACTED} thats a lovely lovely blue
ev livid e: we could do that and {REDACTED}
a dam e : that could work
ev livid e : its a very french/pastelly colour yes?
a dam e : which is sorta what we're going for
ev livid e: excellent.
ev livid e: so the sweater will be that color
ev livid e: what color pants?> white?
ev livid e: and in the usmmer
a dam e : what about after labor day?
ev livid e: i don't believe in that rule because we are elite
ev livid e: and we can do whatever we please>
a dam e : our theme is {REDACTED}
ev livid e: yes!
ev livid e: and we have hot swiss chocolate every morning at 10
a dam e : we'll base on fashion choices around that
a dam e : this is fabulous
ev livid e: i love this so much!
ev livid e: and we need a motto you know latin
a dam e : both things we can work on
ev livid e: something really badass snobby
a dam e :yeah, but at least we found a name
ev livid e: l_ m_ e_
ev livid e: can we have a mission statement that is different from a motto
ev livid e: and we need a seal. and a crest.
a dam e : a peacock is good cuz they're really proud animals
ev livid e: male peacock. the female peacock is brown
ev livid e: which clashes with our sweater colour choice
ev livid e: i like the pastel blue and silver a lot
a dam e : i guess peacock is only good for an all boys school
ev livid e: its so pastoral
ev livid e: its ok. it can be a gender confused peacock
a dam e : hahaha
ev livid e: oooh and we need a song
ev livid e: oh so much to do
ev livid e: and we need stationary
a dam e : a song?
ev livid e: hmmm, lets not write the song
a dam e : unless its an alma mater
a dam e : is the stationary going to be more cute or more official
ev livid e: official, the seal /crest will be on top: and it won't be lined
ev livid e: but it will have a watermark and we need business cards too
a dam e : of course
ev livid e: like american psycho
a dam e : hahah
ev livid e: we have a lot to do
ev livid e: and business card holders with our initials engraved. silver of course.
a dam e : we do indeed; i was happy with the sweaters
ev livid e: well i like doing the whole kit 'n kaboodle
a dam e : and i appreciate the vision
ev livid e: so we tell no one about this ok?
ev livid e: no one. not a soul. this is elite.
ev livid e: lite being the key word
a dam e : our lips are sealed
a dam e : no fat
ev livid e: because we are elite
ev livid e: as in elite modeling agency wants us
ev livid e: but we're too elite
a dam e : hahah; exactly
a dam e : our official drink will be a wine
ev livid e: a very old one that dates back to louis 14th
ev livid e: man, i didn't know creating a society would be so much work
a dam e : 'tis
a dam e : we have time
ev livid e: because we CONTROL time

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Best Band Ever*

*according to me, at one point
(Ok I feel horrible and really don't want to think so hard, and have nothing really to think hard about, and maybe I shouldn't try to hard as my website visitor tracking system tells me I've had one visitor in 2 days;i think i need to recheck that.. so here is a BBE* "classic" originally posted in July and...I kinda hate it. The writing is really embarrassing. But I have added a few videos and mp3s at the end so hopefully that media will make up for the suck.)

(*according to me, at this moment, subject to change)
Hmm these Best Band Ever* things are pretty stressful but on mornings like this I remember the old maxim "it's just the marine layer; it'll burn off" which hopefully it will (it is so cold right now I was almost tempted to wear a jacket to walk the dog.)
But I guess something so L.A would come to me on the day when I try to profile a criminally under appreciated artist whose songs on my favorite album evoke a certain L.A. Of downtown and trolley cars, a world twinged in sepia. Sort of like a James Ellroy novel, but without the violence and corruption. That was a very random way of saying in honor of his show tonight at the Largo today's Best "Band" Ever* is Michael Penn.

I first heard of Michael Penn I'm guessing around 1999 or 2000 when I was being very moody and emotional because of the fact that a girl who intrigued me seemed to love everyone except for me, and our friendship as well seemed to be melting away. Anyway it was on MTV2 and, as they used to do they had an artist on air for about an hour where they programmed it with the artist's favorite videos. Aimee Mann was on and one for the video's she showed was Michael Penn's "Long Way Down (Look What the Cat Drug In)" it was a staggeringly amazing video but after marveling a few times at the video (and I really wish I had planned this better because I can't find the video anywhere except for maybe here), the lyrics and the melody, in the end appealed to me the most with their romantic melancholy. And they totally summed up how I was feeling at that point, almost like I had written them about my situation, a feeling that all great songs give. (and the line "and if I wear Apathy's crown, don't call me highness"-wow, simply killer) You can watch a live performance from Letterman here


I was hooked and I later found out that Michael is Sean Penn's brother; it was probably the Penn that gave it away
In those days of Napster I stumbled upon his song No Myth (Romeo in Black Jeans) from his first album March, and the lyrics are superb. The man really knows how to write a song, even when including Heathcliff and Astaire while writing a song about lost love and missed chances. (and apparently the video won him a MTV video award. Bizarre. You can watch it here.)


During AmeriCorps when I was sent to Arizona to work with the Red Cross on the Rodeo-Chediski fires when I was in Flagstaff I remember going into a record store and finding in the used CD section Michael Penn's "Free-For-All." I listened to that album pretty exclusively for a while and its imagery, especially when I was so far away from home, connected a lot with me. Songs like Bunker Hill (Hey Luanda, do you want a thrill? We can watch the lights shine up from Bunker Hill. But if it put your heart at ease, my baby please...) and Strange Season (my baby won't come out at night, they took apart the Angel's Flight for this, Strange Season) make me think of a different L.A. and get nostalgic (even the cover does) but thats not just it, really just the whole album as a whole is damn near perfect. Try to find it if you can; its been in and out of print (bastards!) [Or was. I think it's been revived. Thankfully.]

He's also been featured on the somewhat uneven I Am Sam soundtrack performing "Two of Us" with his wife Aimee Mann (probably the best singer songwriter power couple I can think of), a version that I actually prefer to the original Beatles'. Here's a live version

It is really such a shame that he hasn't made it "big" not so much for him necessarily I know he has to be quite happy with his life, though he totally deserves "mainstream success", but for the general public and fans of well crafted songs. Like his song Walter Reed from Mr. Hollywood Jr. 1947, where comparing love to a war, and subsequent injuries result in a (now ironic) longing to go to a place for recovery, and once again the lyrics are great. Here's that video.

(and I know as At the Drive In once said in a MTV2 bumper, quoting Frank Zappa, that "talking about music is like dancing about architecture" but it is the only way to get the "word" out, and if it does, this guy is dancing far better than I can)
So for all of those reasons, along with the fact his website is really cool and he's a cat person, Michael Penn is the Best Band Ever*.

buy Michael's wares on Amazon or through iTunes

Long Way Down (Look What The Cat Drug In) [download]


No Myth (Romeo in Black Jeans) [download]


Strange Season [download]


Bunker Hill [download]


Walter Reed [download]


Macy Day Parade [download]


Two of Us (with Aimee Mann) [download]

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While We're On The Subject

So when I was thinking about what to do for BBE* if I were to do it one of my ideas reminded me of a Stuck in my Head I posted months and months ago. Both videos to me touched on like the fear of discovery and the threat of subsequent violence that is unfortunately why today is a Day of Rememberance. And because that connection worked with me, and you haven't had any music or any of my wonderful insights I'm going to repost it (with a few changes and an mp3 at the bottom)

Stay with me because this may seem a little convuluted (and I don't think I spelled that word right at all.) Anyway I've tried to focus on positivity, love hope and beauty, but sometimes the songs themselves that are lodged in your head aren't necessarily the most joyful. Such is the case today. I don't think I had these songs stuck in my head, as much as the videos. But c'est la vie. I've had She Wants Revenge's Tear You Apart in my head for awhile (it's quite addictive)- I remember the first time I heard it I thought it was a new song from Interpol. Of course I later found out who it was (thank you XM radio.) But I still loved the song and when I saw their video I was completely blown away. Who knew Joaquin Phoenix could direct? And who knew he would have a transgender theme and plot, and while the lyrics and song itself aren't really happy I identify quite strongly with this video (for rather obvious reasons) and the ending always makes me really happy and is a fantasy for I would suppose many people, but especially those who have been ostracized and attacked for living their truth. So here's She Wants Revenge and "Tear You Apart"


And any band that has their first video with that type of message I'm bound to like. I was then thinking about that video while having the song stuck in my head and it sparked a memory of when I was young and a video that I knew meant a lot to me at the time, and looking back may mean even more. It's Soul Asylum and Just Like Anyone. The video features Claire Danes at the height of her My So-Called Life fame ( I remember that show being amazing, and it still kind of holds up today). And i really like these lyrics, they really make me happy

She walks into the outhouse
the cold night breathes into her face
the flies are standin' still now
the moon it spills through the place

and she starts wonderin' what its like to be
liked by everyone and like everyone be just
like anyone and just wants to be so
just like anyone, just like anyone

she reaches through the darkness
her fingers touch the porcelain seat
she spins and pulls her pants down
the cold air holds her like a thief

and she starts wonderin what they mean
do they just mean to be mean
and thinkin' bout the scene
do they just want to be seen
try not to seem so just like anyone,
just like anyone

the door comes screechin' open
she walks into the evening air
she disappears in the darkness
all's left, the faint smell of her hair

she starts wonderin' what its like to be
liked by everyone and like everyone
be just like anyone and just wants to be so
just like anyone and wonderin what they mean
do they just mean to be mean and thinkin' bout
the scene do they just want to be seen
try not to seem so just like anyone

just like anyone

And though the video does not have quite an explicit transgender theme I think you'll be able to read between a few lines.


I love the school dance theme, and its import and symbolism, lord knows my senior prom was mind blowing (at Duke not in high school.) And I'm not sure about it but I have a feeling that this video, and its ending, may have planted the seeds for one of my recurring dreams, of ascending from my skin and rising as a winged golden angel. Metaphor much?


But this videos (songs, whatevers) I think fit into the theme of today of beauty and hope and eventual happiness. Just like I cried with happiness for Christine Daniels, was run ragged with emotions and ended up coming out because of it (it's in my last sunday confessional- great reading I'm sure) the release and acceptance that these videos and their final scenes show, escaping the cruelty and pettiness and hurt and transcending it all to find a greater joy and a place of peace and acceptance, are truly beautiful and make me happy at least. Anyway thanks for sticking with me and though I probably don't know you personally, you know me, and I love you for that. Let's keep in touch.
Have a good weekend everyone.

Wow, I was really happy and cheery and...I don't think I was drunk. But I kinda hope I was. A little embarrassing.
Soul Asylum- Just Like Anyone [download] buy it on iTunes

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Best Band Ever**

(**if i had to think of a Best Band Ever* for today it would probably have had to be Mandy Moore since I have listened to her Umbrella about 60 times since Sunday and have started singing it in my sleep. That of course led to a tempestuous "rest" and so I don't really have the energy or the time to try to fake something this more. SO here's a BBE* classic from maybe in September- and like last time all links will be put together and mad activate at the end.)

*according to me, at this moment, subject to change

It was so fucking hot this weekend I feel it zapped all my creativity, just like it did all of my energy leading me to plop myself uncomfortably on couches trying to position numerous fans on myself and making me way too tired to move. So last night when I realized I "had" to do this again in the morning I got a little freaked out trying to think of someone for Best Band Ever* and feeling a little bit of pressure now that I've obsessively been looking at google analytics (more on that later, at some point, if I remember) to actually make it, y'know, good. Then I really didn't want to do this because usually to start a week I can ease in with Monday Morning Cuteness then Things to do and so I really don't have to think before noon. Not so on Tuesdays. And so of course nothing came then and this morning I couldn't sleep and woke up early feeling that I had been afflicted with writer's block, though what I'm doing here can't be really called writing so I guess it was more of a blogger block. But fuck it. In the words of the former description of this site "i'm just dancing like no ones' watching." Anywhoo I think I had originally wanted to do something different toady and "spotlight" (in the glare of a 50 watt bulb) a transgendered folk singer called Namoli Brennet who has some really great songs and of course I feel an affinity for, but it didn't feel right at the time so I shifted my focus to another singer/songwriter of whom I first learned because of a transgendered theme song (to my ears) and so for the reasons I may fail to fully explain below, Dar Williams is the Best Band Ever*.

I first heard of Dar Williams when, it had to have been early in 2005, when one of my great girlfriends suggested I got on gay.com to, I don't know, try to find a date or something. That part seemed pretty creepy (and still does) but they had a fabulous section on entertainment and queer musical artists. One of the standard questions they asked a band they were highlighting was "what song do you wish you had written" and some lesbian band's answer, I don't remember who's, was "When I Was A Boy" by Dar Williams. (And it is amazing what a very simple search will find. It was an interview with Mara Levi.) Naturally I was intrigued. And so I got the song and felt an incredible connection to the lyrics, of the changing of gender roles/identities/ expectations (And especially now when I'm figuring out there's a tonne of stuff I "can't" or shouldn't do now that I'm a girl, like walking home by myself or riding around topless. And all the pictures of my past that are me but aren't and how I reconcile those thoughts When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me/ Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees. And I know things have gotta change,/ But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too/ And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep/ Except when I'm tired,
'cept when I'm being caught off guard)
It was like the best song about transgenderism that I think I had heard and even after having listened to it at least dozens of times (don't judge; my most played song is only like 40. I have a phenomenal memory and an obsession for no song to be privileged to far above another) it still touches that same raw and secret spot inside. The song is the first track off her first full length album "The Honesty Room" so it must have a pretty esteemed and important place in Dar's heart (being her introduction to the outside world and all) and here's a live version

There are very few things that are more true than a musician and their guitar. I love it. Sometimes I wish I could be a singer songwriter but I always feel my lyrics might be too obtuse or insular, or too universal to be vague. She doesn't really seem to have that problem and has probably the best sense of humor that I've heard in a folkie, just think of songs like The Pointless Yet Poignant Crisis of a Co-Ed. But even with that humor she doesn't shy away from serious ideas and thoughts; she's a very smart woman (yeah religion majors!) and her way with words really can create pictures as can be seen in The Christians and the Pagans (this is a fan made video, made by a Wiccan, I'd assume. It's nothing special visually but it does have a great audio of the song:)


Both of the above songs, as well as a personal favorite (that is awesome for singing out loud to, the chorus at least) As Cool as I Am are all off her second album Mortal City.
And like I mistakenly thought when first hearing When I Was A Boy, or As Cool as I Am, she is not a lesbian but I loved her answer when she was asked about it in an interview:
"I didn’t want to cash in on breeder status: “Don’t worry, it’s safe, you can like me, men or homosexual women,” because so much of the music industry is predicated on the male gaze of the camera: “Are you the doe in the headlights, are you the bad girl, are you the good girl, are you the virgin.” I wanted to be self-identified, I wanted to jump through that loophole, and I also wanted to be equal-opportunity in terms of who I reached in terms of my lyrics. Therefore I was not clear about my own sexuality, therefore I was pretty gender-neutral in my songs, and I was as inclusive as possible in terms of who I talked about on-stage." I have not really heard the term breeder used in straight company.Fabulous.
I'm not sure if I say it a lot, or overuse the phrase but her writing seems to fit me emotionally where ever I am, I'm not sure if I seek her out but usually when I'm in a sour or melancholy mood (oh at least once every two weeks) her songs speak to a sense of hope and survival and better days and usually take my breath away and make me cry those happy tears, as I tend to do. Songs like Better Things from her End of Summer album for instance, which surprised me by coming on this morning when I was feeling a rather large crisis of confidence. One of those songs, which is so so powerful, is After All from her album The Green World. It really speaks to me when I'm really pondering what am I doing and why don't I just like take my pills and red wine and hope for reincarnation, but then I listen to this song and especially the verse :
And when I chose to live
There was no joy
It's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found."

Or "sometimes i think my father too was a refugee" and you remember that you're not the first or the last to go through this and you can get through. If I could ever write I song this good and beautiful I would gladly die happy.

"It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets into who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all"
So fuckin' beautiful.

Anway I was going to post a few mp3s for tasting purposes but then I read this interview with Dar while doing research and I totally understood her point in response to how she feels about "illegal downloading"

Well, I’m off the beaten track, but I’ll tell you, the better known you are, the more of a bummer it is. And the better known you are, usually the more people do it to you. If you’re playing for 30 people, and they know that your career is where you need to sell three CDs in order to have enough gas money to get to your next gig, that audience is aware of that.

If you’re basically an artist who is known and loved for their entertainment value and you’re associated with a major label, there’s a sort of “Who would notice?” mentality, and it is sort of like peeing at McDonald’s. You sort of think, “They put all these golden arches around the landscape, they owe me one.”
I love hearing about people putting songs on mix tapes, and I love hearing about people who heard about me in one way or another. I used to tape stuff off of my Dad’s record collection as a kid, and I remember my handwriting on those tapes.
But I think that’s how I feel about kids. I did a photo shoot recently with somebody who is an affluent grown person who works with musicians and showed me his collection of burned CDs and asked me what I wanted to listen to, and I didn’t dig it. It gave me a chill, that there was absolutely no ethic around downloading those things.
I think kids sharing, I think mix-tape sharing, that makes me very happy. That big picture, about people being moved, it’s like how you connect to music is the footprint in the sand. You are able to be imprinted in a very special way to the world when you listen to music.
There is a line that gets crossed sometimes that does give me sort of a spook. I like the ethic of people buying the whole thing. Instead of spending a dollar on that CD and getting it from your friend, don’t you want the lyrics and the liner notes and who I said thanks to?

Yeah it's kind of like those people who are famous and are well known so everyone assumes they're rich, when really they're living in a basement in Brooklyn, barely getting by ( do houses in New York have basements?)
Soo, you can always buy her stuff on iTunes, or Amazon. do it, do it.

And so for all of those reasons , even though she is mistaken in her belief that Southern California Wants to Be Western New York ( umm...no), and for her constantly writing songs that I can wish I had written (and I feel can apply to transitioning such as Farewell to the Old Me from her Beauty of Rain album

Dar Williams is the Best Band Ever.*

Two mp3s (because I just read that interview about downloading and what not and so I'd feel dirty but these two songs are AMAZING)

When I Was A Boy

After All

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Best Band Ever*

I'm not gonna lie, when I woke up this morning I wasn't really feeling my prospective choice for BBE* from last night, the Dresden Dolls, and no other band really popped out. And if there's one thing I know from doing these damn Best Band Ever* things is there has to be some kind of spark or interest, but since I don't really have that, in this form, I've decided to repost the first in this series. SO if it offends your notion of honest and integrity that this wasn't exactly who is the Best Band Ever* (*according to me, at this moment, subject to change) or if you've been here since the beginning and it's all old hat then don't bother to read on (my mind is full of a lot of crazy things that kept me up so it should be fun later today) but if you don't care then...oh one more thing all the links to mp3s- if I even had any at that point- can be found at the end



(*- according to me, at this second; subject to change without notice)
Jeff Buckley is the Best Musician Ever. Or as we have just past the 10th anniversary of his death, sadly he was the Best. But there is no musician that I have ever known, or experienced that touches me as deeply as he does. One listen and you're changed forever.
I remember first hearing Jeff around 94 or 95 through a video on MTV. I didn't remember it for a couple of years but then, I guess when I discovered what I thought was love and heartbreak, the line "kiss me please kiss me" kept resurfacing in my head. I didn't know the name of the artist but I remembered the video and thought that was the name of the song. I don't remember how exactly I got the right name, whether it was by searching the Internet or if miraculously the video had resurfaced but in 2000 I found out it was Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye"

Even with its obviously dated flannel and early 90's look you can still sense something more.
I was 17 at this point and really going through some emotional stuff (cuz y'know that ended after i got my high school diploma) so I went out and bought his one studio album Grace. 10 songs, 10 songs of pure brillance. So ethereal, so ephemeral, so eternal. Just Perfect. Ah! there are not enough positive attributes or adjectives to describe it though many have tried. I think I may have listened to it exclusively for 6 months and even now when i play it I have to listen to the whole thing and I just float away. Each time I listen a song say something new to me and becomes one that i just can't skip past.
At first Last Goodbye was my favorite song, then I discovered Grace.

Hallelujah (the definitive version, with all due respect to Mr. Cohen) become my next love adn still holds a truly special place in my heart. During AmeriCorps when we were working at Double H, each week before another session started I would listen to Hallelujah just to spirtiually cleanse myself and make myself ready for the coming week and all the joy and trouble it could bring. It is still one of the songs I listen to as each old year becomes new again. Lover You Should Have Come Over and every time I think of it I just picture myself in a flat in the French Quarter, his words evoking such a perfect romantic and beautiful place that I wish I could be that in love just once. Finally every song Mojo Pin, Lilac Wine, Corpus Christi Carol, Eternal Life and Dream Brother were all indispensable. Here's his video for So Real, I think it reveals his light hearted side and anyman who loves apes and getting shirtless in the street has to be awesome.

I began to devour everything I could about him. I bought anything that he touched like his proposed second album Sketches (For My Sweetheart the Drunk) the one he was working on in Memphis around the time of his death. The first disc was professionally mixed and produced but Jeff wasn't happy with the album. The second disc contains a lot of 4 track recordings where Jeff was experimenting- it was where he wanted to take his music. During AmeriCorps I made a trip to Virgin Megastore in New York and found his DVD, which shows a totally different side and how amazing he was live. Vancouver takes my breath away, especially the finished version and it made, and still makes me want to movie there. Mystery White Boy, Live at l'Olympia= amazing live albums, absolutely amazing with brilliant songs that were never recorded in studio (Moodswing Whisky, Hallelujah/I Know it's Over especially in the former) and staggering versions of his classics. I bought his Live at Sin-e EP; his version of Van Morrison's The Way Young Lovers Do destroys the original (in the best of ways.)

And that was another way in which Jeff expanded and bettered my world of music. His influences were so vast and I was so into him that I wanted to know what made him tick, what made him who he was, who had he aspired to be.Van Morrison, The Smiths, Edith Piaf, Nina Simone, Nusrat Fateh Al Khan, Leonard Cohen and of course his father Tim; I was exposed to these artists and became a fan of them in the first place, because He was a fan before me. In late August of 2002, when I was having a mini breakdown in AmeriCorps, I decided to take a train trip which ended up being me going as far west as I could in Pennyslvania in 3 days. My only reading material was the fascinating dual biography of Jeff and his dad Tim. I highly recommend it.
Jeff was such an archetype, a fragile angel seemingly to beautiful for this world. Of course he had to die young. (I just wonder why he went into that river) but his music, as much of a cliche it is to say, but his music never will. He touched so many people and is still touching everyone that hears him. His admirers are legion and loyal. If you've never heard of him before I'm glad I could introduce you to him.
He was and He is.
Jeffrey Scott Buckley (november 17,1966- may 30,1997)

As if I can think of this no more.



Hopefully you didn't actually read that- i feel the writing and everything about it is embarrassing but I can never reread anything I write. And yeah his birthdays is coming up on the 17th I think, of this month. Anyway here are the mp3 links and if you're moved as you will be and want more you can buy his stuff...pretty much anywhere
from Grace

Grace [download]
Last Goodbye [download]
Hallelujah [download]
Lover, You Should Have Come Over [download]

from (Sketches For) My Sweetheart the Drunk

Everybody Here Wants You (he won a Grammy posthumously for this, I'm pretty sure [download]
New Year's Prayer[download]
Vancouver (after hearing this song moving to Vancouver became my dream..one I may still harbor somewhere inside)[download]

from the Meltdown Festival 1995
Dido's Lament (j'adore.) [download]

from Mystery White Boy

I Woke Up In A Strange Place [download]
Moodswing Whiskey (these songs were supposed to be indicative of the new style in which Jeff was heading) [download]

from Live A L 'Olympia
Je N'en Connais Pas La Fin (Edith Piaf cover) [download]

from the Live At Sin-é ep and two disc Legacy Edition

The Way Young Lovers Do (Van Morrison cover) [download]

from First Love/Last Rites (Music from the Motion Picture)

I Want Someone Badly [download]

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A TMI Classic: Self Discovery through Pop Culture

I was thinking about posting a new one of these tonight but I got up way too early this morning and I have to do it again tomorrow, so I'm really exhausted. (and of course I had to start it at this hour because of Ugly Betty/30 Rock and The Office) So I'm going to repost an early TMI, because as NBC once said, if you haven't seen it, it's new to you.
This one is Self Discovery Through Pop Culture, which was inspired by this post Tales of Self Discovery through Bad Movies, from the 23rd of July, which preceded TMI by a few days. It's rather entertaining, at least to me, so enjoy. Or not. Whatever.

This is probably going to be a little lean because this post, by its nature of me trying to remember things that happened over a decade ago and also the fact that I'm not drinking right now but I'll try cuz, I've done this once so its tradition. Anyway as I watch Ugly Betty explain the difference between transvestitism and transsexuality, and Alexis Meade describing various feminizing surgeries, it seems an appropriate time as any, and I did say on Tuesday that this would be my topic if not earth shattering happened in my life so... andiamo. Oh wait I didn't really tell the topic umm...early signs I was different? Does that work? Whatevs; I still don't believe anyone actually reads this, so its just me and my therapist. (I'm going to use the power of the internet to research a few dates so I know how old I was for certain things, though I prefer to do this in a rambling stream of consciousness style.) I have a memory of being in some toy store and really wanting, I think it was, a female He-Man action figure that I really wanted to be and dreamed about being, which according to wikipedia was called She-Ra. The site claims that they discontinued the line in the middle of 1987 so I guess this had to be when I was no older than 4, which is wow! I had no idea I had any memories of anything that early. But I know I got that doll, I mean action figure and I remember playing a lot with her tiara. The next relevant memory I have is when I was shopping with my grandma in some mall thats no longer there. I was still really young at this point I think, and my grandma and I were in some beauty store maybe, with like hair accesories and the like I guess. But I remember trying on a plastic headband (an "Alice Band": I like that) and wearing it around the store. I remember walking out of the store still wearing it and one of the workers rushing out to get me. I must have been young because I think it must have been written off as a cute innocent thing. I remember up until 2nd grade I would only play with girls; I remember jumping a lot of rope and then when one of my friends got hurt by a speed walker I remember crying over it. Like a lot. Like enough where the teacher had to console me, and I may have gotten to go home early. I think it was the middle of 3rd grade, maybe during a semester break (did we have those in elementary school?) I went to a church camp up in the mountains (the first time I saw snow!) and at a cafeteria lunch I remember the girls raving over my eyelashes and how cute I looked; I reveled in that. (God I was such a queen; its a tad embarrassing) But I think it must have been sometime before this when, getting back to the pop culture point of this post, where I guess my mom and I were watching the Sally Jessy Raphael Show ( I am so dating myself with that.) The topic was something like parents who raise their children as the opposite gender. I was incredibly drawn to the show and I remember one of the guests; she was I'm pretty sure a Hispanic kid wearing a bright red dress with a really festive and ornamental head wear (in my mind I have a mental image but I think the exact memory has probably been corrupted by Ma Vie En Rose) and her mother was so accepting and I remember wishing that that would be me and that I could do that. But some socialization and knowledge of gender norms had sunk in because I knew that I shouldn't be too excited to watch it, or betray too much enthusaism because I didn't know what my mom would think. But I think I used it as a segue to ask her if there was anyone in our family who had had a sex change and apparently there is (some second or third cousin in Louisiana.) I'm trying not to cloud this to much with me analysis and implanting thoughts for 8 year old me. But maybe that gave me some type of hope and a realization that changing yourself wasn't something that only happened in the movies. I guess I was entering some sort of latency period (Freud is still b.s.), or probably just an acknowledgment that I wasn't the way "I was supposed to be" but of course I never stopped thinking about it. There was some case in the news about a girl suing to become a boy scout and as I was walking home from school I angrily wondered why a boy couldn't be a girl scout and then imagining my life as a brownie (wow these memories are actually really embarrassing) And according to this I was 8 at the time, wow, wow. On the first episode of X-Men the animated series on the first episode Morph died and I know he was my favorite X-Men because I wanted his power to change into whoever I wanted. According to this the show premiered in 92. And whenever anyone asked me what superpower I wanted if I could have any I would always say the ability to morph, though I never admitted it was to change into a girl. Actually I still want that power. But around this time I guess The Crying Game came out and though I didn't see it for years after I found out the secret and was so so so jealous of Jaye Davidson, hell I still am (such a gorgeous boy) plus the theme song was sung by Boy George who had always been one of my heroes just how he was so feminine and pretty, and I was definitely looking for signs of my "normality" and role models at this time. As any good tranny worth her salt I remember dressing up in my mom's clothes whenever I was left home alone, and I missed a good number of days just because I was bored and I'd like to believe to smart for school, and every time I would get dressed I would try to keep the clothes on for as long as I could to just imagine that I could always be that way. I'm sure my mom had to have noticed the remnants of make up on my face and maybe some clothing slightly misplaced, but she said she didn't know. When puberty hit, I don't know exactly when it started, I was incredibly confused by it all and since my brother and I never talked I had no idea what was happening so my mom got me one of those "What's happening to my body" book for boys, and I guess it came in a pack because there was also the girl version, which of course I would always secretly sneak away to read then hide it under my bed. Around the time my grandma died, when I was close to 13 I remember everynight praying to be turned into, just for a day, a girl, and because God could do anything I kept praying. But nothing ever happened of course, and my grandma died, so my faith in God hasn't really recovered yet. In the early 90's talk shows were everywhere and a common guests were the transsexuals and I probably watched too many of them but every time one would come on I would marvel about how pretty some were and wanted to be some of them, though I just wanted to be a normal girl and not necessarily have to go on television because of it. A few more anecdotes; the first orgasm I ever had was reading a transsexual erotica story about a boy dressing as his sister for her wedding and of course I had no idea what happened when It happened, but yeah I had the internet and I would constantly be on transgendered related sites and looking for information, since I was about 12. Michelle's Midday Break was my favorite. Then when I was 14 my mom and I went to Chicago for her sorority convention and I remember going to the Victoria's Secret on Michigan Avenue and buying a bra, panty and garter set and felt incredible awkward as the attendant tried and failed to hide her giggling but a more matronly saleswomen was talking to me about control tops. My mom found these clothes; she had begun a habit of snooping around, and told my pediatrician, who was a pretty close family friend, who upon seeing me for an appointment asked me if I was having sex and when I replied no, asked me when I did in the future would it be with boys or girls I replied sheepishly girls; I knew the consequences of saying boys, but after my mom being so open when I came out I sort of really wished I had the courage to tell her the truth back then. I could say I missed ten years of my life but I wasn't ready and had no idea how to handle it. And plus, I still have plenty of time and things worked out for the best. (yeah I know that was long and at certain times had no narrative form, but I think I did it more for me and once I started writing more and more memories came back and some even shocked me.There was definitely TMI. Okay this has been really long; I'll do my teenage years later, or maybe my theories on "causes" who knows- I'll probably forget.)
this was easily the least painful and shortest amount of time I ever spent doing this. sweet.

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Whoever Made This I Love You!

Ok this is totally random but not as self indulgent as I usually am. In fact I consider this a public service announcement (you'll think me- I promise)

I don't think I've hidden my affectation towards post secret (and my worry if something ever happens to it) or my love and moderate shame at loving lol cats so you can imagine how excited I was when I found this site lolsecretz ( you don't have to imagine I squealed "OMG I Love it") which as the name suggests combines two of my favorite things. I really do love it way too much, it's really really funny and I love it even more because it provides me an excuse to post this from icanhascheezburger which I've had for awhile.

Ah that still makes me literally LOL.

And so lolsecretz creator I say bravo (brava?) and let's make out (it'll be us and Tom Raum, but he's cool with it)

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Finding Love Through Reagan

Wonkette found and posted a rather interesting pick up tactic from Craig's List from what I can only guess is a young Republican guy who worships Reagan, and wants a chick of similar mind; He created a quiz to test if one is worthy of him. (pity he's not at least Bi; one of my best friends likes Ronnie more than his children, probably.) Anyway, Let's see how I do ( and I won't use Wikipedia or google; there is some honor in this den):

If you can answer even 5 or 6 of these questions (without having to look at Wikipedia), then you might be the right girl for me.

1) What was Ronald Reagan’s middle name? Me: Wilson {Interesting fact; some guy tried to break into his house and kill him because he thought Reagan was the AntiChrist. One of the reasons he thought this was because there are 6 letters in each of Reagan's names; Ronald Wilson Reagan.]
Check. 1 out of 1

2) What was Reagan’s birthday? Me: No Clue. February Something, 191_.
Hmm I got the February part and that in was in the 1910s; can I get half credit? I'll say that's 1.5 out of 2

3) In what state was Ronald Reagan born? Me: Illinois
Check. 2.5 out of 3.

4) In 1966, Reagan defeated a sitting California governor. That governor’s son currently holds statewide elected office in California - what office does he hold? Me: He defeated Pat Brown father of former governor, former mayor of Oakland and former democratic presidential candidate, Jerry Brown who is the current State Attorney General and he defeated L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo by a substantial margin to win the post.
Obvs. 3.5 out of 4.

5) What was the name of Reagan’s “roommate”? Me: Hmm...since roommate is in quotations maybe it has to do with that movie where he had to take care of a monkey; don't know the exact name though.
Dammit. It was Nancy. I should trust my gut. 3.5 out 5 (no points for knowing he was in a movie with an ape? That's no fair!)

6) What was Ronald Reagan’s high school nickname? Me: Dutch
Check. Someone even wrote a book about him with that name. 4.5 out of 6

7) How many lives did Reagan save while working as a lifeguard? Me: I think it was 2, but once again I'm not sure.
Ouch! I was off by a mile. It was 77. 4.5. out of 7

8) Fill in the blank: “Go out there and win one for ___________.” Me: The Gipper
Check and Check. 5.5. out of 8

9) What college did Reagan graduate from? Me: I forget sometimes that they went to college back then. I just assume they learned through doing. Which was a fancy way of saying No Clue.
Eureka College. I think I knew that when I was young, for some reason. 5.5. out of 9. All comes down to the last one.

10) For whom did Reagan give his famous 1964 speech “A Time for Choosing”? Me: Goldwater
Check. Here it is. 6.5 out of 10.

Ok let's see how I did. About 65%. I heard somewhere that 2 out of 3 ain't bad. We're the same age and both love politics. I work out and think I'm pretty hot. Why not? Though I wonder if me being a transsexual or a staunch democratic socialist would cause any problems in our relationship. I mean we could work it out just long enough so me to get something out of it. It has been a secret fantasy of mine to hook up with a Republican or a true Red state conservative.


Ain't that the truth. Y'know for shits and giggles. Too bad Craig's List scares the hell out of me. I wonder if he's hot....I'm picturing a bowtie.Hmmm

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