*

[I'm a little scared to write this since some karma may be in play because after I wrote something badmouthing BALCO The Giant, the Dodgers sped up in their path to immolation by losing now 15 out of 20, but whatever happens now can't be as bad. Rock bottom is close]

So last night it finally happened. I remember flipping to ESPN as I normally do in my restlessness and they were showing a live cut in on the Giants game because He With the * was at bat. I immediately turned it off because I didn't want to be watching when it finally happened, but apparently it happened at that at bat becuase on the L.A. Times website they had a Breaking News Banner proclaiming Cheater as the New Home Run King*. I knew it was going to happen though I was hoping against hope that somehow he would be struck down, in a divine act of justice that would have reaffirmed my faith but alas it didn't and I had the same feeling that I think I felt when in 2000 Dubya was in the Texas State Legislature speechifying how "I am the President of You All" and then 4 years later with the election returns (and how moral issues were like the number one issue in the exit polls) and also when Palpatine ascended to become Emperor in Star Wars. It was a moment of finality, of when good seemingly lost to evil, of doom and despair and the world turned upside down. And in the case of The Unnatural I know no one respects him or believes in the legitimacy of this record but for a time He Who is More Machine and Technology Than Man name will be at the top of the record book*. But he's not the new homerun king, for Sadaharu Oh still lives and my he live for ever.

(and one more thing someone Streeter a new columnist for the Times wrote some article about how if you take prozac to "calm your nerves" and condemn The Evil One then you're a hypocrite, but what he doesn't mention (and at this point I may be talking out of my ass because I didn't read the whole article I was so disgusted) is that in this country STEROIDS ARE ILLEGAL. and even if it's a "symptom of a society looking for an edge" he should still be held to account. I mean the Times cutting costs and letting go of journalist have the money to keep this guy? Bring back Adande. Kurt Streeter, you're dead to me.)

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Careful There, Your Guilt is Showing

Editor & Publisher had a really thoughtful article on another way that He That Won't Be Named has been cheating all these years. Through that ridiculous arm armor he wears. I've been saying for a while that it gives him an advantage because it allows him to crowd the plate and effectively take away the inside part of the plate from the pitcher and also increases his area that can be hit. I guess in that way its within the rules of the game but its still b.s. (which is why I strongly advocate throwing at his head!) Of course that theory was perhaps shaded by my extreme hatred towards him so perhaps I'm biased. But Editor & Publisher seems to be quite a reputable site and organization (I mean look at how nice and classy that ampersand is in their name) and they lay out a list of mechanical and physical (as in physics) reasons why that armor gives him an advantage; you can read it on their site I'm too lazy to write them all here. But I fully agree with all of their assertions and it is shameful that The Disgrace To Humanity and the Game has been allowed to do all of this shit for so long with impunity. I hate him.

This next bit is not nearly as dry; Home Run Derby has a clip of The Unnatural in the on-deck circle and if his teammates actually did like him wouldn't one of them mention his fly was open. It's a video of a clip on a computer so it's already small enough (I don't think they have MLB's expressed written consent, shh!) but if you look at his groin its visible. Don't worry you can't see anything naughty, side effects of steroids and all.

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I Think I Just Threw Up in My Mouth

So He Who Will Not Be Named is coming down to Dodger Stadium, with his band of losers (ha! last place!) for a 3 game series. I should be more apathetic to this thing considering how everyone not wearing black and gold knows that its gonna be a b.s. moment branded in history with boos and asteriks but I just know that he's going to do it against the Dodgers, because it seems that he always gets milestones against us (and i had a feeling that if this day would ever come it would come against us- 71*, 500th steal, 500th homer, ugh). And the whole thing just offends my sense of decency . If I was a manager, and I've been saying this for at least 5 years, any time he came to bat I would have my ptichers throw at his head and I would gladly take the suspension and fines. I would be a hero for ever.
So I'm hoping that over the next three days whenever he's introduced that we don't boo him as we do, it only feeds his steroid enlarged head and ego, but rather just silence, I'm talking like crickets, or everyone at those moments can turn their back to the field and not acknowledge it. It's impossible to organize 5 peoplenot to mention 50,000 but how awesome would that be? I know people are going to go and cheer and be loud, its the fuckin' Giants who I've hated since before I was born (they cheated in '51), but those moments will say a lot. When they were playing the Cubs in Wrigley I remember Sportscenter showing fans who were boasting about how much they hate him and how much they were going to boo him, but it seemed that the only time there was an enthusiasm in the stadium was when he was at bat when it seemed the whole crowd was standing, which really pissed me off, especially because The Unnatural noticed. The Padre fans did it right last year with the syringe on the field (and that will be the last thing I ever say good about the Padres)
So fuck him, eat a Dodger dog whenever he's at bat and don't give him the honor of your jeers. He's not worth and the Giants, they're going to lose anyway.
I feel so bad for Vin Scully, but I know if it happens he'll handle it exactly like he needs to, the right way; he always has.
Here are a few things I would rather do then witness that moment:
Try to use a bathroom in J0-Ann's Fabrics.
Be a sheep in this guy's town.
Have her as my teacher (possible Harry Potter spoiler; I didn't actually read the article)
Watch Kelly Osbourne in Chicago, nightly
Be Britney Spears right now.

Whatever. Let's go Dodgers, and welcome to your blue heaven Scott Proctor

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Finally a good Sports moment

In what has been a horrible time for sports, what with the whole Mike Vick thing (and I hate hate hate how the NAACP is now making this seem about race by organizing a support Vick rally; I'm pretty sure they didn't show such restraint in the Lacrosse Case), the rampant doping at the Tour de France,the NBA betting scandal, He Who Will Not Be Named about to break the home run record Skip Prosser dying and (it has just been reported) Bill Walsh passing away from Leukemia all around it has been probably the worst period that I can remember, (though luckily not as bad as Slate writes, it always could be.)
But in the midst of all that was a really good place at Cooperstown where Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. were enshrined in the Hall of Fame. I know its been said to death (and ESPN's camera certainly played along, with repeated showings of a sign reading Classiest Class) but they were two humble and selfless and seemingly pure gentlemen who played the game the right way. I could never like Tony as much as I should have because he did play his whole career for a division rival but there's no way you could hate him as a person, he was so quiet and unassuming and just did his job. But he has started along the Kirby Puckett route of being very fat and square after they retire. Hopefully he can work on getting healthier.
And then there is Cal who is like a God to me (with amazing deep blue eyes) and along with Griffey the only non Dodgers I consider among my favorite players. I remember watching his 2131st straight game and when they rebroadcast it yesterday I still got goosebumps when they unveiled the sign. He was just so steady and (maybe a little too) iconic but he's who you would want your kid to idolize.(and when I was in AmeriCorps in Perry Point, right across the river from his hometown of Aberdeen his museum which was preety damn cool even to cynical me.) And they both made such great speeches about doing the right thing and the responsibility of being a role model are really what they great ones and the Hall of Fame should be about. And when Cal started crying talking about his wife, of course I started to tear up, of course I cry at the drop of a hat where for guys they can only acceptable cry over sports and I guess their wives.
It was a great day. But the only thing that cast a strange note was sitting right behind Cal's family was John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston and when Cal started to cry to his wife, right over her shoulder you could see Travolta wearing some stupid sailor hat and blubbering. what was up with that?
But no matter; Congratulations once again gentlemen.

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There's Someone Else Out There That Hates Likes Me

This is from Deadspin and it is well worth reading. It is an interview with Jeff Pearlman the author of a biography about He Who Will Not Be Named on this site (let's just say he's a former Pirate and now wears a size 12 baseball cap in orange and black.) In this interview however, Jeff shows that though he tried to be objective in his biography of The Unnatural One, he has finally and fully come around to the side of all that is good and pure. Here are some highlights.

The truth of the matter is, [Forbidden] is completely, undeniably 100 percent full of shit. He truly is. I no longer buy his love of baseball history any more than I buy the sanctity of his marriages or the purity of his blood stream...[Forbidden] cares no more about baseball history than does my goldfish. He knows what Hank Aaron went through to hit 755 home runs, and he was more than happy to cheat, load up on steroids and HGH and surpass him...
[Forbidden] has never treated people especially well, so there's very little loyalty for the man. Do you root for someone who refused to sign a ball for your kid? Who ignored you when you asked for advice? Who told you you couldn't carry his jock? I still often think of Dan Peltier, the former Giant backup who brought his young son to the team's Family Day. When [Forbidden] asked the kid to name his favorite ballplayer, he said, "My dad!" To which [Forbidden] replied, "Why? He never plays."
[Forbidden] is a cheater...Forty years from now [Forbidden] will be what he truly is--a once-in-a-lifetime talent who gave into greed and jealousy. An asterisk and a big, HGH-bloated head....
I set out to write a fair, honest, balanced biography of a misunderstood legend. I did my absolute best, and the result is a book that I'm very proud of. I've received strong reviews, in part because I didn't take sides. Now that I'm well beyond the researching and writing; now that I'm beyond the promotional, 20-second soundbite push I feel liberated to express my conclusion of the whole experience.

It is this: [Forbidden] is evil.

So true my friend, so true. And I really hope every at bat he has at Dodger Stadium that we throw at his hand. His team and fans is like the only reason I'm reluctant to move to San Francisco. And I Hate the fact he'll hold the record for even a second. Ugh


But onto a good guy (except when he's beating the Dodgers, bastard) Craig Biggio is retiring after 20 years, which is kind of sad. Not for any real reason other than the fact that he is soo close to become the All Time getting hit by pitchers. Its a record we all can be proud of and believe in. So come on pitchers, do it for the integrity of the game. Hit Biggio! He only needs 3 more...

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